|Reviews for Suppression|
| BloodWillSpill chapter 1 . 1/25/2013
An okay start but nothing with a spark. I do hope the ball gets rolling in the next chapter. Maybe you could've described her love for freedom with dialogue or something? Maybe I'll read the next chapter
| incrediblectopus chapter 4 . 1/24/2013
Wow, this is weird.
| thetruthaboutsilver chapter 1 . 1/22/2013
Nice chapter, and good job on the character description. I like the plot, it sounds like it has quite a lot of potiential. My only criticism is, try to have more dialogue.
Otherwise, great job!
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 2 . 1/13/2013
Those were two pretty good chapters. It was slow, yes, but it is obviously building up to something. Jen's life is pretty relate able, her struggles with the stove, etc etc. I couldn't stand to live off of Ramen ether, lol. The old lady name Ariel? That kind of made me a little turned off, because I thought of the Ariel from your other story. Same character or same name? Try not to use the same name in two different stories, unless these are somehow connected. (:
"The car ride must have tired her out more than she thought. She woke up with a splitting migraine too." A lot of things could have been done to that sentence, it stood out to me as too choppy. A comma instead of a period, or putting "Also" before she on the second sentence. Hope i helped!
| Kay Iscah chapter 3 . 1/10/2013
I love the creepy spider trees!
[She let gravity shut it behind her] technically this would be momentum rather than gravity. Gravity pulls things down.
[they were essentially the piranhas of the air.] love this line
[She was now walking near the playground,] okay, this is the time jump thing that keeps bugging me. You keep jumping from past tense to present perfect (I think that's what it's called), and it doesn't flow quite right.
[She started to distance herself from the playground, the voices of the children seeming to fade into the wind behind her.] This should be a period or a semicolon. Commas only connect sentence when you're also using a conjuction.
[Jen was no random passerby though and she did not fall for the root's whimsy.] This compound sentence needs a comma before the "and".
[each swipe of the wet nap.] oo...yeah, never use wet naps on cuts...that's just mean. Best thing is water...soapy water if it's dirty, but wet naps are loaded with alcohol rather than soap. Does seem a little odd that she's not armed with band aids too, but not beyond plausibility (I've watch kids a lot...and thus keep a small first aide pack with bandages. Technically Band-Aid is a trademarked brand name, but it's become more common than the actual term bandage or adhesive bandage.
| Kay Iscah chapter 2 . 1/10/2013
I actually really appreciate the slow build here. Stuff is happening, it's just not the world is in peril stuff... little bit of a stepford vibe.
["The Supermarket." they didn't have chains here it seemed]
As a small business person, I can tell you this is weird. Which may be what you're going for, but usually even mom and pop stores in small towns will have some name to distinguish them. It may be uninspired like J's Supermarket, and every one in town may refer to it as "The Supermarket"... but businesses are strongly encouraged to pick distinctive names, helps the government identify them for tax purposes, etc.
[so when it was a beautiful day, like today, everyone was outside, watering plants, mowing lawns, or just talking to neighbors. ]
If you're writing 3rd person limited vs. third person omiscient, this seems an odd thing for her two know on her first day to observe it. I'd suggest rephrasing, unless time jumping is an important part of the style. You did a little time jumping at the start of the last chapter too.
You may just need a proofreader, but these two things popped up multiple times and bugged me the most.
["The store, all I've got is ramen and my stomach is actually getting sick of it." she laughed.]
"The store, all I've got is ramen and my stomach is actually getting sick of it," she laughed.
You use a comma rather than a period when connecting dialogue to a _ said statement.
"Blank," she said.
"Blank?" she said.
She said, "Blank."
["Thanks," she said, as she closed the door behind him.] is correct.
["Oh hey Jennifer!"]
You need a comma when you address someone directly. "Oh hey, Jennifer!"
| Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 1/10/2013
I like elements of this. Spooky old house, transitory life with a snow globe collection.
The explanations at the front seems a little clunky. And it's not clear if she has bought or is renting the house. Renting would make more sense.
While the grammar isn't awful there are several punctuation issues like:
[She needed a shower, she went to the main hallway, she liked living in a ranch house, everything was on one floor, she didn't have to constantly be making trips up and down flights of stairs.]
"She needed a shower. She went to the main hallshe went to the main hallway. She liked living in a ranch house. Everything was on one floor; she didn't have to constantly be making trips up and down flights of stairs."
or something similar.
If this a Coraline style isolation story, putting this info in exposition works fine. But if she's going to befriend anyone, this could just as easily come out in a conversation.
This sentence at the end seemed odd:
[Little did she know, she had a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, new people to meet, neighbor's homes to visit.]
Earlier it said the whole point of moving around was to meet new people etc., so where does the "Little did she know", come in? Also a rather over used phrase. I'd only use it if nothing else will do.
| Sevenvoyager chapter 1 . 1/10/2013
I have to say I like this story so far, the beginning is a not as action packed or mysterious as I normally read, but I have to give you credit for sparking my interest enough to keep me reading. Considering I study engineering I was constantly telling the character to go check the electrical appliances and sockets by measuring the electrical currents. lol, It's a quirk I guess.
Anyways I can relate to your character, you write her well and it's so true that most students/ graduates practically live on Ramen, I know I do, Ramen and Redbull, all time favourites. All in all, I like this story and i hope you do continue it.
| incrediblectopus chapter 3 . 1/7/2013
I saw a typo. I'm pretty sure it should be 'seamlessly' instead of 'seemlessley'. Is the old lady, like, something only kids can see or were Stacy and Robert lying? Dun Dun Dun... We shall soon see.
| Beautifully Corrupted chapter 3 . 1/7/2013
YAY! Good job! I think you are doing awesome! although what is going on with the font...?
| Beautifully Corrupted chapter 2 . 12/29/2012
I like it! It is really good, I can't wait to see where it goes from here :D
| incrediblectopus chapter 2 . 12/21/2012
I remember the spider monster thingies in The Willow Weeps. They were not very nice. Wow, 'thingies' is an actual word. I just realized that.
| Mimzyfire chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
This is shaping up to be a good story. Nothing wrong that i can tell. Keep it up.
| incrediblectopus chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
I don't know, if I say I like this story, will you not update 'The Ending Reign' as often? And by the way, you do very well for the cover art of your stories.