|Reviews for Queen of the Dead|
| RoastyMyToasty chapter 1 . 12/29/2012
pretty good! keep writing! i will be interested to see what else you have to offer. :)
| TequilaMockingbird19 chapter 1 . 12/19/2012
LOL. Okay, I think this was a really really good start to the story. You gave enough details about Crimson to give me a good picture of her but you also held back enough details to make her a bit blurry around the edges. The whole 'she's so famous yet so mysterious' thing is actually getting to my head.
I believe there were a few comma issues. I think I spotted some in the 1st paragraph but I guess I'm not the best person to judge, considering I'm bad at punctuating too. Hm, I also see awkward paragraph breaks here and there. Some sentences can still be interrelated into single paragraphs, in my opinion. But anyway. Great start! You left me a cliffie there. :)
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
I must have forgotten The Crownless King, because this isn't ringing any bells. It's certainly interesting though.
Your opening sentence seems to be missing something. [Crimson didn't frequent the Beatdown, everyone there was surprised to see her.] - I see an invisible "so" in there, or a connecting phrase of some sort. To me, it doesn't really connect by splitting those two clauses with a comma. I'd even be iffy about a semi-colon, and that would be the correct usage of it. I think it would be better to add just a little to benefit the flow; not the best first impression when you're blinking at the first sentence after all. :)
I love the image of sight and blindness in here; you did a really good job in showing it even though you've used a minimum of words in doing it. That's the part of your writing that attracts me; you've given enough information to be able to paint an abstract image but you leave it up to the reader to put things together. Things like that work really well for oneshots, so I was surprised to scroll back up and find this is actually a multichap. Things seem to have come together well enough that I could consider this just a open ending for a oneshot and not really want to read on, if that makes any sense. I seem to have missed the sensation of you pulling some shots for later chapters I suppose.
| Xephia chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
This is a really interesting beginning!
One thing I didn't like was the misuse of commas and paragraphing. For example, "Crimson didn't frequent the Beatdown, everyone there was surprised to see her." - these are two separate sentences and shouldn't be joined by a comma. "Crimson didn't frequent the Beatdown. Everyone there was surprised to see her." or "Crimson didn't frequent the Beatdown, so everyone there was surprised to see her." would be more suitable. You could also look at using a semicolon.
"The Kings—the first time in ten years anyone had seen them. But they looked…
Okay, so I am really guilty of doing this in the past, haha. It's for effect, right? But it just looks clumsy on the page. You would get the same effect if they were all on the same line c:. You start a new paragraph often where it's unnecessary.
I'm really interested in Crimson and I think you've characterized a very interesting lead! while the genre isn't my cup of tea, this story definitely has potential. Good luck!
| wisedec4u chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
Okay, I like how you described Crimson, but I could really tell which of your description were the right one. It would have been nice to hear some inner dialogue from her so I could get a sense of what she was really like instead of just going by hearsay. Also, I just felt it was way too much telling at the beginning of the this. I know you trying to give us a background, but it's coming across a little bit as info dump. Maybe if you'd written this as first person or perhaps she overhears someone talking about her at the bar to another patron and she reflects on in her mind how different she is from what others think about her. You would also like to get a better description of the King's other than their eyes looking dead. Since I haven't read the Crownless King's, I have no idea who these mean are and how they look. Good start though. I looking forward to reading more your work. I have to say that Scream is my favorite so far.