|Reviews for Hell's Punishment|
| BabyChan12 chapter 1 . 8/4/2013
XD XD I finally read this, King-san. -w-b Got over my procrastination XD
Welp, it's a nice chappy, though I can't say much right now. I knew it was interesting after all ;D
Just spotted these errors -w-
1. though they can choose to leave it open if they want t - since you were writing in past tense, 'could'
2. that he never wanted to experince ever again. - experience
3. Ken Mitamoto, say this show on T.V. where some guy - Is this 'saw'?
4. My soul ain't working taking nor can I do anything for him. - working? 'worth' maybe?
5. It was almost night out with the sun still partially out. - Using 'out' twice makes the sentence look weird.
6. he would most likely mug him since he looks homeless - looked
7. the leader midget . - You missed a word here ;)
8. He's know not to mess with us. - 'known'?
9. He done nothing wrong to live the current way he did and hated every minute of it. - 'has done'; or maybe 'did'
John threw the card down on the table and banged his head against the wall.
o.o Why did he bang his head?!
10. He walked to his laptop and searched the internet on "devil summoning". He - forgotten sentence here? o.o
11. The being shrunken down in size and gave a loud terrifying scream. - 'shrunk'; btw I think that saying that Lucfi screamed first and then shrunk would sound better.
12. The girl realized her she was and stood up to her feet. - you missed something after 'her'. I dunno 'state'?
She grabbed John by his collar, lifting him up high in the air despite their size differences.
How did she lift him? o.o He's taller than her, right?
13. " But, now I am reduced to nothing but this childish form." Lucif rant to herself. - 'Lucfi'; 'ranted'
14. I just pour some water on those flames earlier and..." - 'poured'
15. he stared in shocked from seeing his couch flung. - 'shock'
God is a man.
Bwahahahaha. That sounds funny when reading it. My fav part, I guess. XD
16. for making me lessening my powers - o.o Umm, how about rewording it as 'decreasing my powers' or something?
17. You're luckily I am not tearing your body into two as it is! - lucky.
Hai, that's all. I'll read more tomorrow. Or whenever I'm free *shot*
-w-b It was good though. Can't tel you to keep it up, 'cause you finished already though. XD XD
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 3 . 6/28/2013
I think I'll refrain from commenting on the procrasterbating in this chapter.
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 2 . 6/28/2013
I'm cross-shipping Yuichi and Lucfi so hard right now.
["M... Men sex!" Lucfi shouted with glee.]
- I dare you to write that, King-sama ;)
Oh dear, now John is being mistakened as Satan. Poor fella can't get a break lol.
[He could tell the bearer was female do the fact he saw her panties and can see her large chest.]
- Oho, this is how we tell the light and dark apart. Their booby size.
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
I think I mentioned this in a review of your other story before, but damn, you improve really quickly in your narration. But I'm too lazy to give CC, so I'll just stick to my troll reviews ;)
And so the story where the notorious flat-chested Satan originated from. The premise of a nerfed form reminded me of Al Azif from Demonbane. But where Lucfi was much more sinister in the the tourney, she was quite a harmless and perverted loli here haha.
Or maybe it'll be different once I get to the later chapters.
["Yes from time to time I'll allow you to soil me and to have some freedom to yourself]
- If John doesn't like it, why not pass over the offer to Yuichi ;)
And poor poor John. Not popular with girls, and even marked by midget gangsters lol.
| Megami-hime chapter 18 . 6/13/2013
Awesome chapter...but seriously, Lucfi not recognizing Azrael? What the hell? They were both around during the War in Heaven! Of course they would know each other! They're the freaking original ArchAngels!
BTW, Lucifer's name while he was an angel was Samael/Samiel. You could change it to Samiella or something.
| Benidate86 chapter 13 . 6/13/2013
Still spot some little bogies: ommited words and whatnot. I think I spotted a 'My little sis can't be this cute' reference.
| Benidate86 chapter 12 . 6/13/2013
bwhahahaha. 'The power of Christ compels you.' Never get tired of that one.
| Benidate86 chapter 8 . 6/9/2013
Let's see, Demons, crazy angel, butcher yandere, gansta mom... Hayate Ayasaki is no longer the most unfortunate being on the planet. I weep for him.
In other news. Awwww, Mikey's so cute.
| Benidate86 chapter 7 . 6/9/2013
YANDERE FOR THE WIN!
| Benidate86 chapter 6 . 6/9/2013
I know your writing would have a changed a lot from this, but most of the narratives in this chapter were too direct; similies, metaphors or allusions would have helped. Also,some of them gave away the cherry far too soon .eg: the Mika Odin introduction was, in my opinion, redundant; John yelling 'Mika' did the job much better. Got to stretch the tension that extra bit.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be getting back to my daily whipping.
| Benidate86 chapter 5 . 6/8/2013
Dont Interrupt my daily whipping! And here I thought they were toruring some poor soul. Haha good stuff. A little less 'tell' and a little more 'show' would be great.
| Benidate86 chapter 3 . 6/8/2013
Very funny, very manga-esque. But some parts of it break suspension of disbelief. Poor angel...
| Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 5/18/2013
Midget gangsters. Now there's something you don't see everyday. LOL.
The devil's sex slave, huh? Kinky.
Your typical brand of humor pervades in this story as usual. I'm guessing this is gonna be a variation of the romcom? Plot-wise, not necessarily the most original idea, but that doesn't matter because in these types of stories it's the execution that matters. If the jokes are there and they're funny, then that's what's important.
| Megami-hime chapter 16 . 5/14/2013
One question: Why is Azrael is so damn OOC here? He was always depicted as being completely loyal to God, and he never fights, not even in the War in Heaven. So why?
Well, it was a good chapter. Some foreshadowing about Mika, and Jofiel and Lucfi are being jealous.
| Argentum Vir chapter 12 . 4/22/2013
Hehe, I think I just imagined John as a badass. Just casually holding Satan by the wing. "Now apologize and never do this again." xD