Reviews for Hell's Punishment
Argentum Vir chapter 11 . 4/22/2013
Kind of short and anticlimactic for a chapter about John's return. We didn't even get a glimmer of his powers. :/ I noticed a few words missing in between sentences. Some of them felt awkward so you might want to look at that.

Argentum Vir chapter 10 . 4/22/2013
This was a pretty good end to the arc, though I feel there should have been a little more action. Like a sparring match, or a huge gang battle between the midgets and John (after the defeat of their leader.) So far so good, I'm going to keep reading.

Argentum Vir chapter 9 . 4/22/2013
It's the angel's heart, that must be it. Super strength, perhaps a bit of magic? Invisibility? Please don't tell me he gets invisibility. :O

Argentum Vir chapter 8 . 4/22/2013
Just another day in a dismal futuristic dystopia? Me thinks so. I think I like how the plot has turned out so far. I hope you find a way to make his life get worse. I derive some sick sense of satisfaction from how bad his life keeps getting.

Little bit of criticism here though. Put any sort of character thoughts into italicised text instead of dialogue tags.

Argentum Vir chapter 7 . 4/22/2013
Yeah, Miku creeps me the hell out. Is this going to turn into one of those things where John actually gets powers from all the crazies around him?
Argentum Vir chapter 6 . 4/22/2013
Umm, what just happened? I think I missed something here. I think I can guess what's going on, but damn, this really is Hell's punishment. Stupid corrupted jewels.
Argentum Vir chapter 5 . 4/21/2013
Your liberal use of names is redundant. Try to keep the names to a minimum. Use he or she unless there's a need to establish who the speaker is. Also, don't keep using names to address the subject of dialogue. It gets really annoy to read something like this:


"Oh, I only kid, Gabriel! Lighten up a bit, shall you?! These are joyous times, not times of war!"

"I think something has changed you, Michael. I really do."

"I am still the lovely, Michael. As you are the beautiful, Gabriel."

"D... Don't flatter me, Michael." Gabriel blushed. "Anyway, our discussion is done. I shall leave you be, Michael."

"Farewell, Gabriel. A good morrow to you."

Michael waved as Gabriel flew away. Michael stopped waving and frowned to himself.

"My... I did not predict her to return. I wonder... this is Hell's Punishment, truly." Michael said to himself.]

You repeat their names so many times... It really drags the speed and enjoy-ability of your dialogue down several pegs.
Argentum Vir chapter 4 . 4/20/2013
I think the women who can't cook trope has been way too overdone. Pun intended by the way. Also, the overuse of profanity gets kind of old. I understand it's Lucifi's nature, but I would think she could be a bit more ladylike since it's hard to lust after a woman who speaks and acts like a man. :/

This also makes me think of Dokuro Chan. John is almost in a similar situation.

Juniper Nox chapter 3 . 4/3/2013
I love this story :) This reminds me of Oh! My Goddess for some reason :) It's good, anyway. I will definitely be adding this to my favourites list!
Argentum Vir chapter 3 . 4/1/2013
Previous criticisms still apply.

Anyway, while I like where the story went, *wink, wink* I didn't expect it to. During the fight scene, all I could envision was how John was being flailed around helplessly. Now that I think about it, isn't John and ironic name?
Argentum Vir chapter 2 . 4/1/2013
Redundancy, something, grammar and spelling. The story line is going good so far. I'd think that Lucifi would act a little more like Satan though. Did the transformation seal away her adult mentality as well as her powers?
Argentum Vir chapter 1 . 3/31/2013
To start off, this story really made me smile. It started off pretty strong but after reading through, I noticed you have a lot of trouble with tense shifts. I can't tell if this story is written in present tense, or past. That makes it confusing to read. I would advise you to read the prose and re-write any tense conflict out.

To be honest, your prose is also very awkward.

[After school, John walked home through an alleyway. The alleyway was dark and, like most alleyways, scary to be around in when it was nighttime and all alone. Luckily for John, it was almost nighttime and the sun was still partly out.]

This seems like a very childish fear. Like the home basement. Not that I have anything against it, but I think you need to word it better.

[The midgets laughed as they pulled out weapons from their pockets. The midget John was talking to earlier hit him in the back of the head with a steel pipe. John fell over and struggled to keep his balance.]

I don't know anyone who can take a steel pipe to the back of the head and not be phased by it. This dude shouldn't be someone who keeps getting bullied if he can take damage like that. I think he'd have learned how to fight a bit too.

You have a lot of redundancy issues that need to be addressed as well. Sometimes you describe something one way, but below it, you describe it the same way. Like in the alley quote before. It makes things that should have a bigger impact, less... well, impactful.

Along with redundancy, your grammar could use a lot of work.
Kiento21 chapter 12 . 3/30/2013
Great story i cant wait for the next chapter to be released :3 the only thing i do have to say is try to make the chapters a bit longer if you can but other than that this story is really good :D
Kiento21 chapter 1 . 3/30/2013
hahahahaha oh my god this story is so funny xD i couldnt stop laughing but i cant wait to read more keep uploading these chapters
bradpara chapter 7 . 3/17/2013
Funny as usual. I need to get caught up with all the stories here again.
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