|Reviews for Event Horisen|
| Alias Blue chapter 1 . 8/11/2013
Hello! I'm reviewing you from the Gossip Forum.
First thing I noticed is that your sentences are quite fragmented, making it hard to follow what's happening. As an example, this sentence: "A formless intruder interlude upon its ageless rest" is hard to make sense of because of how 'interlude' is used. Is it 'a formless intruder interlude' as a compound noun? Or 'a formless intruder' and 'interlude' mistakenly used as a verb.
The way you construct sentences - "cocooned in resin like swaths, encapsulated within, royalty slept undisturbed." sounds like you'd be very suited to poetry.
"less then" - typo - should be 'less than'.
You describe the captain as 'it' - surely they're a person?
Sometimes you miss full stops off the end of sentences.
The language you use is very evocative and beautiful - but the grammatical structure of the sentences makes it hard to appreciate it, when I'm trying to unravel what it means.
"Now it was time for a new actor to emerge as the burning wreckage crashed down into the sickly swamps neighboring a vast sprawling city littered with factories." This sentence was a bit long and could be broken up into two sentences, but from here the sentence construction becomes easier to read. Perhaps it's because you're moving into the story and the plot, so you can build the sentence in a more logical way.
The end of this is brilliant!
I love the phrase, "like a child from the womb". Brilliant simile. And the sequence of events is easy to follow because the sentences are complete.
This doesn't entirely hook me because there isn't much to lead on to the next chapter - this scene is pretty complete in itself. Perhaps also because there hasn't been a main character introduced yet?
(Also, if you have to leave a note saying "it'll make sense later', it suggests you're not giving the reader everything / all the information they need, and are preemptively dismissing their comments)
Hope this review was helpful,
| Naomi Chick chapter 1 . 2/7/2013
An interesting prologue. The connection was strong like I could interact with the narration especially the way things were describe. Though, I feel the influence over the content was a lot to take into consideration.
| Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 2/4/2013
Okay, I know prologues often act as teasers, so this doesn't need to explain everything. But if you're going to open with pure description, I'd try being less vague and more descriptive. Particularly with original sci-fi that isn't based in an established universe, your opening really needs to bridge the reader into the story, not confuse them.
I think these images are very strong in your head, but I need more description to make them strong in mine.
Also, you don't need the second comma in your summary.
| Persevera chapter 1 . 1/31/2013
It's a smart idea to separate your short dashes with spaces but if you want to lose long dashes—I've just learned this great trick that can be done right in your text, so you don't have to copy/paste from somewhere else. I'll share it with you if you'd like.
[This gleaming gray lark, carried along by space faring winds, it soundlessly drifts through the infinite expanses of the void. A dull thrum resonating throughout the hull as an invisible force pushes it along on its tireless journey.] Good, descriptive paragraph. The sentences could be divided more correctly, giving a reader less things to criticize.
I really liked the ending of this, with the ship you'd so eloquently described meeting its demise and something rising from the wreckage.
It's cool that you described the ship as a gray lark and the new entity as a phoenix.
| YFIQ chapter 3 . 1/22/2013
Gwen is not so different huh? Not surprising when it comes to being a covert pervert. So far it's pretty lighthearted so I guess the darker part will come in soon.
| YFIQ chapter 2 . 1/22/2013
Guess during wartimes like this, you wind up in a militaristic background. That's the part of the everyday life in this world.
| YFIQ chapter 1 . 1/22/2013
Pretty apocolyptic description.
Not sure of the spelling of the story title is intentional, if not you could fix it. Now, onto the second chapter where the real story begins.