|Reviews for The Girl Who Drown|
| Nonexistent Phantom chapter 1 . 12/26/2012
I must say I was quite displeased with your story. Firstly, your introductory chapter is hardly long enough to be called a chapter. Clipped chapters are bound to make potential fans unhappy.
Secondly, your grammar is atrocious. You pay no heed to proper tenses, as the title of your story indicates. The correct title would be "The Girl Who Drowned," or perhaps "The Girl Who Drowns," depending on what tense you were attempting to use. Your writing is littered with a plethora of grammatical mistakes which cause me to wince in disgust. You have misspelled the simplest of words, and have managed to break countless writing rules. The summary of your story alone is a deterrent.
I will rewrite your summary for you. You may use it. Take note of how much more enticing it is, drawing potential readers in...
"My name is Alex, and when I was seventeen, I drowned." Alex's life has never been easy. She was beaten nightly by a father immersed in a drunken stupor, and was placed into an orphanage at the age of six after a bullet stole her mother's life. But within the darkness, a light emerged: a young boy.
See how the new summary paints your story? It is free of grammatical errors and it sounds infinitely more interesting than the original summary.
The events in the first chapter were terribly confusing. I could hardly keep track of what was actually happening due to the amount of fragmented sentences as well as grammar and spelling blunders. In addition, I had no idea what the scene looked like. What does Alex look like? What color hair does she have? What does the house look like? Tell me more about Crystal and Addison. Who are they? Why are they in the story? I need not only a considerable amount of background information, but some description as well, in order for my rating of this little tale to go up.
You have the chance to change this story for the better. But I suggest completely rewriting both the summary and the first chapter. I always write my summaries before I write my stories so I'm not brainstorming ways to summarize my story at the last minute. Take a look at the newest story on my profile, a dark science fiction oneshot titled "Rise of the Planet of the Redheads," for an example.
Good luck as you continue to write, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
| thefatcat25 chapter 1 . 12/25/2012
It looks like it's going to have a good plot! Keep it up!