|Reviews for Hidden by the Shadows|
| Guest chapter 5 . 1/7/2013
Not to be rude but here are a few editing points:
"Still, after so many hours in the pitch black darkness, the light flooding the room from Florissant lighting blinded me and so needless to say the person's arrival scare all of us to death."
It is spelled florescent and would typically not be capitalized.
"Hopefully," he continued, "it's the prior."
In this sentence a more fitting word would be former, as opposed to prior.
Great chapter, look forward to the next update.
| FloraIrmaTylee chapter 5 . 1/8/2013
Doesn't matter if it's short, it's amazing! I really want to know what happens next, it's getting more tension-filled anda stuff!
| Ney13 chapter 5 . 1/7/2013
I don't have much to comment on, but I wanted to leave a review because you deserve it:) Really good, wish is was longer, though
| bex chapter 4 . 1/3/2013
im intrigued by this story, the character development with her family was brief enough not to get boring but long enough to help us understand Iza's background. it would be helpful if you provided translations at the end of the chapter.
| Faye Ross chapter 4 . 1/2/2013
Hi! Your story is great. To be honest this is the first story I'm reviewing here in FP and that is saying a lot since I've been reading stories here for the past two years of my life :) This is an anonymous review because I don't have an account here but on its sister site.
I like the fact that the story is going at a slow pace
| FloraIrmaTylee chapter 4 . 1/3/2013
I really like this one! Jace seems interesting too.. Now I just want to know what he's doing with these kids! And what language they're speaking, haha.
| Ney13 chapter 4 . 1/2/2013
So much better:) I only saw one grammar mistake, (were should be we're, forget where it was exactly, but I think it was dialog) but other than that, it was great. Good job with the improvement!
| Ney13 chapter 2 . 12/29/2012
Very good. I don't have much to comment with, except some missing commas. Introductory words (like 'Fine,' and 'Okay') needs commas after them. Names need commas around them, too. If the name is in the beginning of the sentence, it needs a comma right after it. If the name is in the middle of the sentence. It needs commas both in front and behind it. If the name is at the end of a sentence, it needs a comma before it. Sorry if there are any spelling errors, I'm doing this from my iPod
| Ney13 chapter 1 . 12/29/2012
Much better:) I liked the extra detail you added, like with the dresses. The only thing I noticed was that you didn't put commas between the describing words. When you have more than two adjectives to one noun, there needs to be commas in between. Other than that, it was much better. Also, since you changed this chapter, you should really put a little authors note at the top of the page of your second chapter, so previous readers know that you changed some things and they can go check it out.
| FloraIrmaTylee chapter 3 . 12/30/2012
Omg. She's being kidnapped. Ugh it's a cliff hanger though! Update soon, I want to know what's happening! Well I know what's happening but you get my point.
| Ney13 chapter 3 . 12/30/2012
Huh, well, I reviewed last chapter, but I guess it didn't get to you. Maybe I forgot to click the review button...wouldn't be the first time:)
What I said last chapter was the only thing I saw that needed to be fixed was commas. You leave them out, and they're needed. You need them before introductory words ('Fine' 'Okay' 'Alright', etc.) and around names, when using dialog. If you use someone's name in the beginning of the sentence, put the comma after it. If you use someone's name in the middle of the sentence, put commas around it. If you use someone's name at the end of the sentence, put a comma before it. I repeat, only do this if a character is speaking.
Other than that, I could see your improvement. It was excellent. Much better description, more dialog. It doesn't seem as empty as it was before.
For this chapter, I'm not really feeling the whole, "I don't trust boys because my ex-boyfriend kissed another girl." Maybe she's more careful with boys, but not trusting them? And she acts afraid of him, even going along with her brother's enemy to try and avoid him. If put in her shoes, what would you do? I don't really know anyone who would go so far just to ignore an ex.
I found a run-on sentence, "He must have understood because he didn't follow me, still I didn't stop." Should be, "He must have understood, because he didn't follow me. Still, I didn't stop."
Your spelling and capitalization are great. You would not believe how many people can't remember that the letter in the beginning of the sentence needs to be capitalized, or I's.
And, your story line is going really well. You didn't rush into the whole kidnapping thing, and I loved that. It's one of the problems that writers have most often. Nearly every writer has done it at some point, even me. So, I applaud you in the amazing way that you didn't rush:) Awesome.
| Cazie chapter 2 . 12/29/2012
This chapter was awesome! :D I really liked it!
You did a great job showing her feelings, if that makes sense. :) Please update soon, I cant wait!
| FloraIrmaTylee chapter 2 . 12/29/2012
Omg it's an old man. I'm reminded about Ke$ha's song " Dinosaur". It would totally go with the scene right now, the ending you know? And Jake's part is realistic too, you could imagine a big brother telling this to his sister. I wouldn't know, not having any brothers, but I could imagine I did with the dialogue.
| Ney13 chapter 1 . 12/27/2012
First thing I noticed is the paragraphs. You stuff the conversations into one, when they should really be separated. EX: /new paragraph (The sound of arrows whipping past my ears was all the fuel needed to make me push myself harder. My head grew fuzzy while my lungs fought for air and my muscles cried out in protest but I wouldn't stop, couldn't stop. /The only thing keeping me going wasn't my primal need to survive, that had abandoned me long before. No, the thing that kept me moving was the reminder that I was needed. I couldn't give up because that would mean the end of us both. /The crunch of leaves beneath my feet made it hard to hide my position but at this point I hardly cared, they wouldn't catch me in time anyway. Stepping out of the dense forest and into the water I forced myself not to falter. Behind me I heard the men's voices filled with disbelief but I ignored them as I plunged over the edge of the waterfall, letting gravity do the rest.) I put the / there because, if you read the sentences, they have nothing to do with the ones before it. That's when you need to have paragraphs. Also, for dialog ("So what do you think; red or purple?" Jen asked, clearly frustrated. /She was holding up a strapless scarlet red high-low dress with a rhinestone belted waist and a deep purple long flowing dress with one shoulder. I looked at both closely before pointing to the purple one. /"I like that one best on you," I said with a smile before adding, "It's sexy.") Always start a new paragraph if someone new is speaking. It's one of my golden rules. It makes the story seem slightly longer and can help snuff out confusion.
(Whatever logic I found in that statement was obviously lost on Jen, so I threw up my hands in submission before she could start in on me.) Why was is obviously lost on Jen, and how did the storyteller know why is was lost? Start in on her for what? Vagueness isn't good when telling a story. Put in about a million and a half details; readers love details. Some good details to are as follows, but no limited to: weather, lighting, sounds, smells, business of the mall/store, clothing items, clothing colors, etc. (I just put in some details about the mall; to practice, come up with a random place and describe it as best as possible.)
You first start out by calling the storyteller 'Iza.' I usually put this as a big no-no unless it's what everyone else calls the storyteller, because then it leads into the obvious, "Well, it's not my real name, my real name is ... and so-so calls me (insert nick-name here) because (childhood nickname/relationship status/to make fun of)."
Also, what I find to be helpful, is to put the character's name in front of a sentence. IE: if Jen is talking to Eliza, put Eliza as the first word in the sentence as an attention grabber.
You need more dialog. The story seems kinda empty without it. When Eliza and Jen are at the mall, you could have them talking/and or gossiping while trying on clothes. When Eliza goes home, her siblings attack her. Is all of this silent? What are her siblings saying? Are they laughing, crying, cackling? What was Jake cooking? What did it smell like? Where are their parents?
A lot of what I see is rushing. You want to give the reader everything they need to know as soon as possible. But, you can't. You need to make the reader work for it. You need to put in detail, and the character's thoughts. You need to put in sounds so the story isn't silent as you make it seem.
At the end, you say that two hours had passed while she critiqued her looks. Really? Two hours? Looking at /herself/? Very unrealistic. Maybe five minutes, tops.
Besides those things, the story seems rather bland. The characters aren't real. It seems a little too perfect. Rich-ish, not stuck up, not fat or ugly. On my profile is a link to my blog, which has some great tips and tricks to building a likable, believable character, or you could google some.
The last sentence, though, was excellent. It drew me in and made me what to know what the character meant by her statement. Very good cliff-hanger.
By the story's summary, this looks like it will be a really good story. Remember, though, formatting is nearly everything to readers. If I picked up a book and noticed that the entire thing was only two paragraphs, I'd put it back down. Formatting shows readers that you're a good and committed author, and that, yes, you do know what a book looks like.
And, if you even get to this point, please do not take any of this the wrong way. I love helping authors bloom, and I only leave reviews like these if I believe the author has enough talent to get there.
Don't hesitate to ask me any questions. I'd be more than happy to help you with your writing.
| FloraIrmaTylee chapter 1 . 12/27/2012
This is your first story? It's so good! I like where the plot is going, I'm going to be waiting for your update. Definetly faving this.