|Reviews for The Phantom Hawkeye|
| Englishman22 chapter 1 . 12/31/2012
Awesome. Very god use of descriptive laungage. The plot interests me and draws me in. it is simply great. I'm not very good at reviews and this work is better than my own so I can't think of any negatives :) great work.
| Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 12/31/2012
This needs some tweaking. Not every sentence or even every paragraph needs to be an info-dump for the back story. The first four paragraphs are all telling, not showing.
I suggest some dialogue -and currently there is no dialogue until P. 5- take the place of the author's exposition. An exchange of this sort:
"Nervous?" Dudley asked. He and his sister had been waiting in line for X hours.
"Sort of," Miori said.
"I went through this two years ago. It's nothing to worry about."
"But I want to know who my soul mate is!" Miori crumpled her handkerchief and smoothed it out again.
"The staff at the Eros Council needs to worry about finding him," Dudley said. "All you need to do is answer their questions and wait. They found me Laine, and they'll find your spouse. You just need to be patient."
-and so on. The characters and their relationship are revealed in this dialogue, it's shorter than the original, and we learn what back story we need to know to move the story along.
I also suggest you lose the AN at the beginning. Put it at the end. Put nothing between the reader and the action.