|Reviews for To Hear the Future|
| Revamp chapter 2 . 5/1/2013
So far, this is the most well-written of your stories. I like the fact that you have more dialouge and more developed characters in this story as well. You have good overall description and an even pacing. I'd love to see an update on this piece.
| A. Gray chapter 1 . 1/25/2013
And interesting beginning, but I was left wondering all sorts of things. Why was Ryan so unsurprised by a dragon? Even in the future, which i am guessing this is due to the healing center, he probably would have freaked. I think you could have made a few things like that more clear, but over all a good start.
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 1/21/2013
Belated RM review.
Off the bat, the first sentence isn't doing much. You've established the setting but nothing else. The first sentence has to tell the reader that the story is worth reading, and this one looks like you just jumped into the scene and started wherever. Try to think like a reader.
Another major concern for me is proportion. The bulk of this story is dialogue and long dialogue tags. It looks like you don't have anything to say other than to narrate your characters' voices. The dialogue tags overpower the perfectly good dialogue and make it seem overworked. You spend a lot of time RPing, so your characters have well-developed voices. Don't smother your strengths.
I know you take your writing seriously, and you put a lot of thought into your plot and characters. It doesn't seem to me that you take the writing part of writing seriously. People aren't going to read your stuff just because it's there - especially on a site like this, with such a volume of accessible story. You have to give people a reason to take you seriously before they'll cut you any slack. Your plots and your characters are good - work on presentation.
I will say, the grammar here isn't perfect, but it's the best I've read from you. Excellent work.
Try reading your stuff out loud to check for pacing. It sounds silly, but I swear it works wonders.
Just even it out and you'll be fine.
| professional griefer chapter 2 . 1/19/2013
Stylistic thing: You use quotation marks with thoughts. That's kind of confusing, and I would just use the italics. But it's your choice.
I really don't like how all of your characters from different stories tie in with each other. It just irks me that to have some background on the characters, we have to read your other stories. You do explain, kind of, what their deals are, but still, it's a bit aggravating. I would just start new stories, free from each other.
I'm not a fan of your action, either, I found myself getting continually confused by some muddled sequences. It should be a bit clearer to avoid confusion.
And as always, your dialogue is a bit awkward and stiff. I've already said enough about that though.
I'm seeing some improvement, but not too much.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 1/16/2013
I really like the dialogue because it's playful and explores the relationship between Ryan and his dragon, adding to both their characterizations. I didn't like how the dialogue wasn't formatted correctly, though, because it's distracting and makes it read somewhat sloppily.
I also didn't like the sparse setting in the beginning because I had a hard time picturing where exactly they were. As it stands now, they seem like disembodied voices.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
You're putting your dialogue tags after the dialogue - AWESOME. :D This is a great improvement in my book, since generally speaker tags *only* come before the dialogue in specific cases where it isn't generally easy to guess who the speaker is when they start talking (like a conversation of three or more where a new person is butting in, etc.). So, anyway, in short: good job. It looks a lot better this way.
But, um. You're formatting them wrong.
[...we should take a stroll in the woods at 1AM." Lucky Gale said...] Should be: [...we should take a stroll in the woods at 1AM," Lucky Gale said...]
[...who could have destroyed it." The dragon replied...] Should be: [...who could have destroyed it," the dragon replied...]
[That portal has a whole new world to see." The animal asked the hero.] Should be: [That portal has a whole new world to see," the animal asked the hero.] Except in this case, since the statement "That portal has a whole new world to see." isn't a question, it shouldn't be "asked".
[that Piercing Illusion." Lucky said] Should be: [that Piercing Illusion," Lucky said]
And so on. Basically, when dialogue tags come after the dialogue, it should have a comma before the closing quotation, and if what follows isn't a proper noun, it should be lower cased:
"Hi," he said. NOT: "Hi." He said.
I like that Lucky and his dragon can communicate on a personal level in a language only understood between the two of them. I think it's cute and strengthens the depth of their bond.
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
I don't like how this piece is so dialogue driven, because I would have at least liked to see what the creepy portal of death looked like.
I like Lucky's exchange with Aquaslasher, because for all that he's a dragon, I find it funny that their exchange is without the bells and whistle hoopla of typical hero-dragon conversations. It was surprising, but charming, I think.
| Revamp chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
So far, your story is very nicely paced and your characters are interesting. However, I think you should adf a little more description so we as readers can get a clear image of them. You also have a few errors but nothing big.
I'd like to see where this goes. Your idea is very interesting and unique.
| Complex Variable chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
I like the fact that you've edited this, Seven. I can already see that it's cleaner than your normal prose—and hence, is easier to read, and to understand.
Still, you can do so much more editing! XO There are sentences that don't end in periods [ "You are on Earth. I am Ryan Thorn and you are?" he asked]; [The dragon slightly whined], etc, as well as many places where the grammar and punctuation needs to be changed—commas needed, re-phrasing needed, etc. You still have a long way to go.
Also, I don't like the way that you introduce so many characters, all at once, or the fact that you don't put in enough details and descriptive passages. I think slowing down and taking the time to flesh out the story would really help make it easier for your readers to process, and to enjoy.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
I found this piece to be very hard to read due to numerous grammatical errors (some of which I highlighted below). You tend to write in run-on sentences, and many of your verbs do not agree with their subjects. Because of that's it's very hard to read. You should also run a Google search on how to correctly capitalize/punctuate dialogue, as what you are doing is wrong, and therefore makes your writing unclear.
As far as this story goes, I feel like you built most of it on conversation, with very little exposition or description. Because of that, I do not feel grounded in the story, and I was somewhat unclear as to what was going on.
"I highly doubt you just randomly decided we should take a stroll in the woods at 1AM?" — Why is there a quotation mark? This is not a question.
"...you did save them a long time ago," — comma should be a period
"I am done being heroic, I just want to settle down" — run-on sentence; comma should be a period
"they think you will be their hero such you are the hero of the prophecy" — "such you are the hero"?
"once a hero, always and a hero" — "and" is not necessary
"By making my nightmares come alive, I could have been killed " — run-on
| professional griefer chapter 1 . 12/31/2012
I really didn't like how you say 'Lucky Aquashooter' every single time you mention him. I think it's completely unnecessary, and everyone would get the point from just saying Lucky after the first time.
I also don't like how similar the names Aquashooter and Aquaslasher are, I got really confused.
Another thing I don't like: you keep putting the speaker tags in front of the dialogue, and you have speaker tags for every line of dialogue. I think everything would flow better if the tags came after the dialogue, and since there are usually just two people speaking, you don't need to tell us who it is all the time.
Your dialogue remains stiff and awkward.
I just feel like all of my suggestions from previous stories have been ignored, you barely change and I have to keep commenting on the same things.