Reviews for Calder: Indian Summer: September 2022
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 3/9/2013
An interesting start to a potentially interesting story, although the girl involved seems a bit...naïve. I may have mentioned this before, but some of the dialogue doesn't sound natural. [Yes, I am positive I could seek out help with that,"] doesn't sound like something a fifteen year old would say. Maybe just "I could get help with it." [Phyllis agreed heartily as she elevated visibly in the anticipation that Calder could agree with her] is a bit lengthy, and her 'agreeing heartily'...who is she agreeing with? Maybe just (Phyllis said), and elevated visibly doesn't make sense. It makes it sound like she's floating. Maybe describe how she looks, or something. Smiling, back straightening, chin up...that sort of thing. Sometimes, simpler is best. As always, hope this helps.