Reviews for 3rd Memory
DappledKarma chapter 1 . 9/4/2013
This is probably one of the more unique starts for a story I've ever read. It has definitely captured my attention.
cmaej chapter 3 . 8/17/2013
I suspected that the Leto, Fin, and Ein scene was a memory. I'm guessing Sarah takes the memories of those who turn into Scavengers. I think it was mentioned in your prologue. If Ein was infected, I wonder if Leto and Fin ended her life, or got killed by her. Sarah's traumatic even remains a mystery. Nice read so far, Jax. Keep it up!
cmaej chapter 2 . 8/17/2013
OMG, the ending reminds me of the prologue of my story; not as gruesome, though.

I wonder if that girl is Sarah and this is the survivor's guilt mentioned in the previous chapter. It could also just be someone else who's memories Sarah possess. Your premise keeps me on my toes. Good chapter.
cmaej chapter 1 . 8/17/2013
Sarah's little quirks tugs at my heart... the poor girl. I wonder trauma did she go through.

LOL The chapter numbers not matching the drop-down menu numbers annoys me, too. I just decided not to number my chapters to make up for it.
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 7/18/2013
Don’t think you really need the ‘awake’ at the start; it’s very telling, and you do a good job of showing that she’s waking up with the following paragraph. Similarly, you could get rid of the ‘blood’ at the end of that paragraph. Same reason. [Klaxons blared. People screamed.] Found this a little confusing as before this you used italics for her thoughts, but this part is in third person. It also feels a little too heavy in the description aspect; as so many words ending in ‘ed’, in gives it a sort of rhyming, bumpy feel, almost childlike in a way. Maybe consider if there’s some way to reword it. Not sure if having her thoughts work; again, it’s quite telling, and I think you could effectively find ways to show her thoughts. I can sort of feel the story picking up, but I feel like something is missing in a way. There’s a lot of potential here but I would suggest don’t get too bogged down in her ‘memories’. As readers, we get what’s happening to her quite quickly even if she doesn’t, so you don’t need to use them too much. Good luck, and hope this helps.
KimonoQueen chapter 2 . 3/24/2013
This is thrilling and intriguing! Exactly the kind of story I've been wanting to read or write! I look forward to a widening view of this world!
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 3/9/2013
An interesting start, though typically, numbers should be written as words, not numbers, so maybe consider "Third Memory" for the title? Small things like that just make something look a tad more professional.
[Someone sighed, "Sarah…"] As you're telling it from Sarah's POV, even in the third person, maybe use the name there rather than just someone, as Sarah knows who it is.
Sarah seems quite solid throughout, until [The girl curled herself back up into ball and started to rock again.] She seems to speak about the whole thing quite casually, candidly, not like something that's going to make her curl into a ball. Maybe consider building that bit up more, or having her remain more solid.
I don't think you need the italics to emphasise things here. Leave it up to the reader to decide where the emphasis lies; otherwise it might jar with them.
["The End of the World."] I don't think you need to have the capitals there; it'd be powerful enough without them, and with them, it doesn't read quite right.
Hope that helps.
Argentum Vir chapter 2 . 1/24/2013
Captivating. This single word can describe this chapter. My only qualm is that I don't know more. You've seriously dropped me into the end of the world with nothing more than the small prediction of the prologue. I would never had expected this leaving the first chapter.

First things first. The hooks for this chapter is non existent. Rather this entire chapter is a hook. With very little build up, you've successfully piqued my interest. However this could end up being a double edged sword. I applaud you for foregoing the traditional build up chapters and just tossing the readers into the thick of it. I have to say though that most of the time these just don't work for me. Very good job making it successful.

The main character seems likable to me. Her reaction to the sudden change and the unknown is pretty spot on. I'm pretty sure I'd be just as disorientated and distressed. I'm also sure I'd have done the same thing that Leto did if I were in his position. Easily related to characters are the best way to start a story in my opinion.

The imagery that your language brings is a huge boon. As I have said and continue to say. It makes it a joy to read.

This sentence:

[Her stomach heaved and she lurched, ejecting a small puddle of blood and bile onto the ground as she coughed, hacked and retched.]

You may want to consider chopping it down to two or three sentences and removing the multiple synonyms for coughing.

[Her stomach heaved and lurched. A small puddle of blood and bile spilled onto the ground as she fell into a retching fit.]

Overall, it's a great story and I'm interested in see where it takes me.
Argentum Vir chapter 1 . 1/21/2013
Definitely an interesting prologue. Nice and short, and gives a decent peek into the world (in this case what may or may not be going through the character's head). It's enough for me to keep reading and therefore it does its job exceptionally well. I have a feeling I'll be looking forward to this story.

To start off, it seems to me that Sarah has a problem with counselors. She seems like a sound individual that weird things are happening to. So far I like her just and for a first chapter that's vital.

The language you use is what I've come to expect from your work. Both vivid and fluid your words are also fairly simplistic and easy to read. Personally this is an underrated talent in this generation of writers. Plenty of people are too concerned with emulating writers who are more purple.

I also love the way you depict her meticulous nature. I think you made a good decision to write it into the prologue this way. I'll have to tell you though that perhaps tone it back a bit if plan to keep it as a sort of theme. It may end up being too intrusive if you don't.

It wouldn't be a review by Nox (me) if I didn't comment on the beginning and end hooks (which the end one pretty strong). While opening with the "tick tick tick" is interesting. I feel as though it's a weak way to keep the reader interested. The ending however is a different story. I'm not sure how you're going to tie that into the story, but I want to advise you to make sure you have a decent explanation of why she sees these things. I'm pretty quick to suspend my "bubble of belief", but others not so much. I know some people will drop your work if your reason doesn't satisfy them. That being said, I think you made it into a good bait for the reader. I didn't expect the end of the world to factor into the work. It has piqued my interest for sure.
Krozam chapter 2 . 1/2/2013
This is good, really good. Your language is rich, your pacing steady and you describe neither too little nor too much. Your character feel real and they're interesting. And of course, your story concept is great!

I'm curious, how exactly did the Earth stop spinning? I mean, does it show the same side to the Sun always (which would mean that it either still spins, though slowly, or it also stopped circling the Sun) or does the "land of Eternal Twilight" move slowly as the planet still circles around the sun?


"The silent reply made her skin crawl." - I'd question this sentence. If her reply was nothing but silence, then you shouldn't say "the silent reply", because that gives the impression that there is a reply, but it's whispered or something.

Missing commas:

"What not even a thank you?"

"That's why we're out here isn't it?"

"It needs new parts alright." Not 100% sure about this, but I'd put a comma before "alright"...

"While they're distracted you can go gather food." - I'm not sure about this one either, I was never good with grammar theory, and it might be different in English than in Finnish, but my instinct tells me there should be a comma between the sentences.


All in all, a very interesting beginning of a story. I expected much, and the only thing I was disappointed in was the length, lol.
Krozam chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
Nice subtle description of character appearances in the beginning. Also, the counting is a great way to imply the passage of time. The scarcity of description in between the dialogue doesn't bother me at all, you brought the scene very alive in my mind.

Hmm... My music for this story is probably The Pretty Reckless, many of their songs feel suitable.


And now for a little nit-picking:

"Eight hundred and eighty-one, shecounted-" - One of those disappearing spaces again. -.-'

"She said that did she?" - Missing a comma there.
Lina M chapter 2 . 1/1/2013
This is amazing.
Your language is brilliant and instantly engaging. Wish I could write like this :)

Continue! :)
Lina M chapter 1 . 1/1/2013
This is really interesting.
I will defo keep on reading! :)

Also Could you check out my story 'Fall for monsters' please.
I'd be really grateful
any way I love your idea :)
keep writing