Reviews for Beta
Ereh chapter 4 . 4/26/2013
Oh, so that was her guardian who saved them in Chapter 1? So that was the twist there, eh? Very nice. Caught me off guard there. XD

I really like your humor. Really gave me that anime style of comedy. Simple yet funny.
Y. S. Wong chapter 4 . 4/25/2013
Anndddd the Granola ship begins to come out in full force!

Kisuke reminds me a bit of Sir Cadogan from Harry Potter in that bit at the beginning. Just that whole over-the-top zeal, lol.

Gale is hilarious. "But Master." "Just kill him!" "Okay."

And oh, so Asa's savior in Chapter 1 was actually her Guardian, eh? Nice twist.

I especially liked your humor this chapter.
Y. S. Wong chapter 3 . 4/25/2013
"She stopped at the "H" column and searched for a book." Goddamn, I'm too perverted!

Kisuke is priceless. I love the whole concept of this chapter, it was really thought out well.
Ereh chapter 3 . 4/25/2013
So finally Betas are explained in this chapter. The story went kinda Bleach-like.

So you also use the same concept of Mons here like in Shinigami Twin, right?

I kind of want to know what happened to Kisuke though after that fight. You just suddenly left him after the fight.
Lord Slayer chapter 1 . 4/24/2013
I really like this. You have a lot of good material, and for the first half you had a pretty decent introduction to the characters. Quite likeable, and pretty well developed. The second half flagged a bit. You need to work on your action scenes, though overall you need to describe the scenery a bit better so we have a better idea of where we're at.

Mom giving Asa pointers on how to wrestle her brother was just golden.
Y. S. Wong chapter 2 . 4/22/2013
I have to agree with Ben-chan's sentiments on this one.

But lol, Marko Tenkou. Shameless plug detected! Aye, as the others have mentioned, the gag felt like it was extended rather a lot longer than necessary. Just a quick name drop would have been more effective.

I do like Lola. Looking forward to see what develops around her character.

Your writing this chapter felt rather choppy. It didn't flow well and that time skip definitely could have worked better. I'd be happy to help beta for you if you'd like.

Otherwise, I like where you're going plot-wise and I'd have to say that's probably your strongest suit thus far.
Ereh chapter 2 . 4/22/2013
Hhhmmm.. I don't think the first part is necessary... It felt like it got nothing to do with the story at all.

And this chapter kinda confused me. So they already knew about their power? I thought the one that saved them on the first chapter was from someone else. I think I need to re-read that. You should have given a proper explanation on that.

Then sudden timeskip. Whoa that went faster. Guess it would be better if there was some sort of event that made them realize Asa's powers rather than just suddenly learning about it. It kinda left me with unanswered questions. That was just a suggestion.

And the new character. Well, that was something I did not expect. Chopping the neck of someone you just met. LOL

Nothing else much I can say about this chapter. Nothing really special happened to get me excited except for the last part.

I shall continue reading... :)
Ereh chapter 1 . 4/22/2013
Started reading this and it looks like it's going to be good. Not bad for a first chapter. Though so far, I would still prefer Shinigami Twin. It has a better first chapter.

So first thing I noticed: The sudden input of 1st person POV. If you're going to tell what the characters were thinking anyway, you should have just turned this into a 1st person POV all the way. It can get somehow confusing (for me that is). Still, your work, your style. Just a suggestion though.

So this is also set in the same world as Shinigami Twin, am I right? I think calling this a sequel is wrong in my opinion. I think the term "Spin-off" or "Side Story" fits better since this is going to be a different story rather than a continuation of Shinigami Twin.

This part: (In case, you are wondering what Shinigami are look up "Shinigami Twin".)
- I think you can just put this at the end of the chapter and explain it there.

And this part: "What the hell am I doing?! I can't even see the damn thing! I'm going to die! And the worst part is that I can't even tell where it is! Oh, just great!" he ranted in his mind. "I knew you couldn't handle this thing by yourself, so I came rushing back over here!" he tried to act brave, despite his knees shaking.
- In this case, you can italicize the character's thoughts (or what he was saying in his mind) instead of placing it inside a quotation mark. It might confuse readers if he was saying it out loud or not.

And there. Those were my observations on the first chapter. Hopefully, this will be as good as ST! You have a nice story here, I must say. Gotta see where this one will go. xD
Benehime chapter 2 . 4/21/2013
So I decided I should start being a bit more active with the story club.

I already read and reviewed for the previous chapter, and I have to say this chapter is fairly pointless. We already know the twins' mannerism and behavior; that was the main thing I believe this focused on. From the age of 12 to 14 in a paragraph was a very unnatural transition. There was also quite a bit of useless dialogue in here; a lot of this chapter can be either cut out or expanded. I didn't bother reading the tv show thing at the beginning.

The point of the chapter was to show the twins move to this new city and to introduce this new girl. First off, all of the lines dividing scenes really disrupts the flow. You have two sentences and then move to another scene. Just cause you're moving to another scene in the future, does not mean you need to divide out the parts. The move was way too abrupt: *two years later* "oh hey, we're moving btw".

As for the new girl, her introduction grabbed my attention. Except... she attacked him for no reason. Seems very random and overall unnatural. To be frank, a lot of the dialogue seemed a bit unnatural, and have more of a "scripted" feeling than a realistic one.

I apologize if I sound harsh, as I do not intend to be and I can't help it lol. Overall, I think the biggest thing to work on would be pacing in terms of events relating to plot, and dialogue. Other than that, story does have an anime-feel to it, so you're getting that across. I'll try to limit how much I say with future reviews, but if I spot something I think I can help with, I'll usually point it out. xD Keep it up!
cud-b-better chapter 2 . 4/21/2013
A typical meeting, Lola was missing the bread in mouth though. I get the feeling there sudden moving has more to it than meets the eye. I'm still wondering what the twins are, hopefully it will be mentioned soon. I hope grant mans up and changes his title from the heroines sandbag. I am also hoping to see more of the mysterious man.
cud-b-better chapter 1 . 4/21/2013
A solid first chapter, already liking the twins and with there being shinigami in it I automatically must like this series (Bit of a fan of them myself). A bit of story terminology I wasn't able to understand, as you said this was a sequel to another story would reading that help me understand this one better? The mystery of what appears to be Asa's power is quite well done. I thought the characters introducing themselves could have probably have been better; I wasn't to keen on the fact that they BOTH started going on a tangent about their grades. I think there could have been better things they could have said about themselves.

But good start to what looks like a good series.

I shall now hop-skip-jump onto the train to the next chapter c u there. :)
Argentum Vir chapter 1 . 4/21/2013
You are very redundant in your naming habits. Very redundant. You say Shinigami, then you continue to say it. Okay, we get it, they're Shinigami, lets move on. Shinigami this, Shinigami that, Shinigami everywhere. Ugh. The same goes for actual names. When we know who the speakers are, then there is no need to make the speakers address each other by name.

The action also suffers from stagnant wording. You repeat the same words to describe the same actions. Vary up your vocabulary some and make it worthwhile to read. These are my absolute BIGGEST nitpicks with your writing. You have solid plot points. You have decent humor. Hell, you even have vivid descriptions. But, this redundancy ruins most of your better points in my opinion.

Now, let's take a trip off the negative train and transfer to the positive train. I like the plot we have going on so far. It's very Bleach like. The characters bounce off each other well enough to keep me interested. *Continues reading*

-Nox
Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 4/21/2013
You sure have a thing for twelve year old protagonists. Not that it's a bad thing, of course! It's a break from the typical teenage protag cliche and lends your characters a greater sense of innocence that works well.

A pretty typical opening, actually. Protagonist noticing weird things happening to her, a monster appears, the chase scene, and then the last minute save by the shinigami. I liked how you tried to inject some humor in between for your own personal touch, though.
Katsurou Shimizu chapter 1 . 4/1/2013
I realized that I've never R&R your works before, even when your story is up in the spotlight. For that, I humbly apologise. And since I'm honestly not an advocator of the script format, I've decided to go for your prose works.

And reading this made me realise how much you have improved ever since you joined the tourney, and for that I have to applaud you for that. Not that this one is bad by any means; the prose just feels more bare-bones and sparse in comparison, and the pacing feels choppy at times; sorta the kind written by someone making the transition from script to prose.

But in any case, the story-telling is solid. After all, you have written a shonen epic in Shinigami Twin and you have a good base to fall back on for Beta.

I like the character chemistry that you have developed in the pilot chapter. Like I have mentioned in my feedback for your writing, you do dialogue really well, and the characters shine in their speech. I also approve of the anime-style comedy (there are never enough perverts in the world and moms who approve of sister abusing brothers).

I'm not that sold about the little 1st POV narratives done in between. Like Benihime mentioned, they are sorta telly and it would be better if you showed us throughout the story.

The buildup and tension to the action sequences are a little rough and lacking, like for instance the repetition of the nouns when a pronoun would be more appropriate, but I'm sure you have improved since then so I wouldn't elaborate more.

Personally would have preferred a cliffy at the point where Asa was almost hit, but that's just me (I'm sorta addicted to cliffhangers nowadays).

In any case, good luck for your story! Have fun and keep writing!

*Little nitty-gritty spotted*

[why can't I breath]
-breathe

[ I thought you well]
-taught

[Do you even have a conscious]
-conscience
Chiisutofupuru chapter 8 . 3/20/2013
I thought 'Multiple' was going to mean multiple guardians for a minute... surprised me a bit.
Yey! Grant succeeded! Too bad it wasn't exactly what he wanted. LOL

Here's something... Now that Grant has his guardian, what's next? Where does the story go from here? I have absolutely no idea what-so-ever. It is rather open at the moment. (If another new character is introduced I may have to re-read some stuff. I'm forgetting who everyone is.)

I'm still waiting for the Shinigami to show up again...

Chiisutofupuru
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