|Reviews for X-Kid|
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 5/14/2013
Soooooo written in second-person, huh? Interesting layout, very original. I kind of got confused sometimes, hehe. Especially when you talk in second... first person... I don't know. But anyway.
Talking about the story itself, I liked the intro, really good. And everything was kind of imagery-like, so I had to read a few times to get everything. It was good! Especially the last line.
Hope you won.
| reejoy chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
Interesting but I like it
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 1 . 1/8/2013
I have to say that this experimental piece is depressively beautiful in its imagery. I really liked how you could paint so much with little words. You present us with simple, yet concrete images (e.g the bear, the bridge, lock, chalk etc.) which double up as very effective metaphors as well. I'm also a bit of a sucker for the theme of grieving, though personally I won't venture into writing such stuff.
With regards to the 2nd POV, I don't personally have an issue with it. And Fictionpress shouldn't either since it is really a stupid rule (Who says 2nd POV is all about CYOA!). I thought using that perspective worked for me since it directly addressed me to experience the MC's woes as though it was my own. It might not work for others... but oh well, each to their own.
I do have to agree with the other reviewers though that the constant transition between past and present throughout was rather jarring, giving me a rather psychedelic experience as I read it. Or perhaps it might be your intention as a writer to let us experience the MC's staccato reminisces as she ponders suicide (? Hopefully I didn't read it wrongly).
In any case, keep up the good work!
| Lewlew95 chapter 1 . 1/5/2013
The imagery in this story is so well done, but if the the images had actually connected, it would be stronger. Are the italic parenthesis lyrics to a song? Even if I did know the lyrics, it seems like this piece is just sentences put together.
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
I love that song! This was really short, and sweet, or bittersweet is the better word for it. I didn't understand what went on in parts, like the end, where she seemed okay but then the angel came to take her away? Did her and Liam both get in an accident? Kinda confused. Overall I was really impressed with this, I really liked it. (:
| Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
Technically second person stories aren't allowed on fictionpress, but frankly that's a silly rule. So maybe we can ignore it, and it will go away...
The link to the prompt doesn't work, so I'd add an explanation of what the challenge was and which Green Day song you're referring too.
I like some of the imagery, but I also think you went a bit overboard on the experimental. It would be one thing to flip back and forth between the limbo room and the life events leading up to it, but the narrative doesn't quite fit together.
He is dying and then "you" are taken away to limbo/heaven? Is "you" supposed to have committed suicide? Or died from grief? I could read it as a ghost visitation except for the dragging, ambulance call, and touching...
Just feels like pieces are missing here...and not in the experimental pieces should be missing sort of way.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 1/3/2013
This is an interesting style, and I commend you for having the courage to try it out. In theory it would have made a strong piece, but I think, like some of the other reviews have said, it's lacking in the connection. Since each transition is so quick, one scene/flash hasn't been adequately painted before a new one takes it over. Perhaps flesh it out a little more, work on those connections a little and it will look like those animations we used to draw in the corner of our exercise books. :)
What I find myself not liking about this piece is the huge focus on action; it's a very short piece, so having a lot of actions which don't appear to amount to anything makes other more subtle matters of your piece harder to absorb.
I think the anonymity of this piece was its strongest point (except for the part where you mention Liam); unable to put a name or a face to the characters makes the more subtle aspects of this fic a lot stronger. Still, I think it was a little minimalistic, because there was a lot of potential in that subtelty you haven't played around with, but I think as far as the WCC goes it's a solid piece (and my poem's all alone, lol :))
Best of luck,
| Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
Not really related to the actual review, I think I saw your first incarnation of this piece. I like this one better, although I'll admit I sort of miss the previous subject matter (the character was a child, right?)
I really liked the love padlock thing (for all its romanticism, I've hardly seen it come up here) and the facetious "retarded t-shirt" that lent it more realistic endearment.
As poetic as the second half of the non-italicized parts (I'll call it plot line 1) were, I thought that it was too removed from the italicized sections in both tone and subject matter. Far enough that I had to read them separately because I couldn't comprehend it otherwise. Thus I came to the belief that they could/should be separate pieces entirely. I also thought that the teddy bear was superfluous and sort of broke the stream of PL 1. I'm a pretty thick person, but I didn't understand what the angel was-my first thought was that it was Liam, in which case I think it was a bit over-the-top.
But despite all that, I can honestly say I liked this piece. Good job and good luck :)
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
My favorite part about this piece is definitely the ending. There's so much loneliness and despair packed into that final image. The thought of being alone forever is something that terrifies me, and I'm sure it's a common fear; I think it's a wise decision to play on something so universal because it'll affect a wide audience. When I was done reading, I just had to sit here for a few moments and think to myself, "Damn, what a bummer." It's a powerful resonating effect, which should be something one always strives to achieve when writing, whether it's literary or genre.
I'm going to have to agree with Oogle about the jumping back and forth between the two stories, though. But I think this is a really easy thing to fix and it'll give you a great opportunity to go more in-depth with your characters and the situation. Like Oogle mentioned, I found it hard to keep both stories separate in my head because of how quickly it went back and forth. I think one way to fix this would be to just expand a bit more on each section; develop the setting more, the tension, the characters, give some interesting details about both of them. Considering this is only about 500 words long, it gives you plenty of room to play around with different ideas (if you want to).
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I really enjoy what you have right now, and I love the experimentation, but I think there is a potential of making it even more awesome with a little more attention to the specifics and kind of focusing more on each person. I kinda see where you're going with making both their stories blend together, sorta like how their love makes them into a single, unified entity, but I think there needs to be a little more meat to really ground the reader.
I really like that image of the girl standing in the hospital kicking the chair. I think you do a great job getting across her anxiety, fear, and desperation without having to go too in-depth with it or beating the reader over the head with melodrama. Both characters' actions and reactions are very believable. You also do a wonderful job creating emotion within the reader in such few words.
Good luck in the WCC!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
I really liked the two stories that this piece tells because I think it's unique and kept the pace moving very nicely. I thought you developed the italics story well without going into a ton of sensory details. I also like the other story and the more abstract language and imagery with it. I think my favorite image though was in the italics when they were out on the street and "he told you he loved you" because the image was so emotional and bold. It sticks in my mind even after the end. This is a really creative take on the prompt and I love to see that experimentation with ordinary narrative! You always do a good job with that :) (BTW, I forgot to tell you this awhile ago, but I really loved your Joy Division avatar!)
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
I very much enjoyed your imagery and your turn of phrase here. A lot of it was unique and fairly creative. All your metaphors/ideas worked very well together, like they were all pieces of the whole. However, while I liked *what* you were saying, I think the dual-narrative idea didn't pan out as well as it, theoretically should have. Because it was so short a piece, the constant back-and-forth was choppy, and it was hard to follow the separate strings of thoughts.