Reviews for Big Shay Ch 1
The Lesbian of Reason chapter 1 . 1/5/2013
First off: Stop with the line breaks. Fictionpress will do that for you when you upload it. It will not just be one big, long line. I'm not really sure why you put them in, but it makes the story look confusing in a bad way. Learn how to use grammar, especially with dialogue.
Now to the story itself. The main character- Shontel - seems like a self insert, not to menti on a flat character. She's ripe with self-pity, so unless it's in your plot to develop her to a point of not thinking about being 'fluffy' all the time, I would try to fix that. "But Lesbian of Reason, that's part of the plot!" Yes, I know it is. Try to use some subtly next time, okay? Self pity doesn't create sympathy with the character, it alienates them. "Boohoo, I'm fat and everyone hates me." Fine, show it. Don't just write about the character thinking about it. At the end there? That was okay. Having something actually happen to the character to explain the circumstances is better than the character just thinking about them.
Plot wise, I have no idea where you're trying to go with this story. Is it about Shontel losing weight? Is it about her coming to terms with her weight? Is the weight thing just a character trait that has a lot of extra focus on it? It seems like she's defined only by the fact she's overweight. While you mention other things, none of them seem to be shown in the interaction with other characters.