Reviews for Vesper
Elynore Bouvier chapter 3 . 2/6/2013
Oooh I am excited for the next chapter!
Greenkizmet chapter 3 . 1/30/2013
Good chapters so far. But number two left an unanswered question: Did Vesper return the books?

In this chapter you mentioned that even on foot they quickly reached the Red Plains. But I was under the impression that it would take at least a good days walk (for easy figuring, walking briskly most humans could cover 20 miles in a day, but a procession would be lucky to cover ten miles at a slower crawl).

Also the descriptions were not nearly as vivid as the two previous chapters. Except for the very beginning talking about her dress... Even then I was a bit lost as to whom you were writing about (so maybe start by stating that it was Vesper looking in the mirror).

On a good note, I this chapter has me eagerly awaiting the next chapter... Hopefully therein will lie the answers to the questions "Who are the Hamsa" and "Why are only a few people chosen for initiation"?
forgive-me-for-my-youth chapter 3 . 1/28/2013
Ohhh! Lore is going with her to the Hamsa! I was wondering how he would fit into the story when Vesper left! As for what you said about the pacing, I think that the pacing is actually pretty good, it is neither too hurried or too slow; it feel genuine. A little more description would be fine, though, as long as you don't overdo it and you don't pause the story too much to describe things, instead describing them through actions because otherwise it would probably affect the pacing.
Greenkizmet chapter 2 . 1/22/2013
Squee! Me liky very much!

Of particular note is how you combine, seemlessly, the use of all five senses: hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, and touch. One very fine mentor of mine once mentioned that combining those five things into every chapter (or short story) multiple times is how one makes for a robust, engaging story.

Keep up the good work!
forgive-me-for-my-youth chapter 2 . 1/21/2013
Brilliant! I feel sad for Vesper leaving, Rolf and Dottie seem nice. I laughed a lot at the bit where it said 'blood would be shed. Over flowers.' it makes it sound so ridiculous, but it makes sense, too. WHAT IS IN THE ENVELOPE? Somehow I get the feeling it's something important, and I really want to know what!
forgive-me-for-my-youth chapter 1 . 1/21/2013
This made me laugh, even though the situation's so serious! Its just the way things are described. Vesper's character is very well-defined, and I like her already. I'm interested to see where this is going.
BasketballChamp chapter 1 . 1/16/2013
Excellent work! The characters are convincing, and the way it's told is enthralling. I am definitely looking forward to future chapters! This chapter raises as many questions as it answers, and I am eager to read more.
WolfGirl1931 chapter 1 . 1/16/2013
This is really good! This is written very well, very well done. Poor Vesper, though!
Greenkizmet chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
Interesting, I would love to see where this ends up leading.
The lead up and attention to little details sprinkled throughout helped to gradually paint a picture of the place (though with the current description I have in my mind some sort of desert town).
My only cirtique is perhaps adding a bit more of Vesper's own thoughts (ie the italic ones) to break up the bleakness of constant non-vocing. (maybe change a few of the discriptions of the town and various little things to inner voice).

Other than that, god start my fellow Christian!
Elynore Bouvier chapter 1 . 1/14/2013
Wow. This is incredible! I love this! I am really excited to keep reading, to see what happens to Vesper. There are so many questions that you aroused in your first chapter. LOVE it!