|Reviews for Born to Die|
| MariaHarundinis chapter 1 . 2/27/2013
The use of dialogue works very well for this chapter: it gives this chapter a certain feel, which really encouraged me to read on. You also manage to give a clear impression of your characters through it without the need of further descriptions: great! I like the mysterious atmosphere, although at a certain point I thought it would help the reader to understand the situation and your characters' motivation a little better if you had revealed just a little more (not that you should reveal everything, though! Like I said: I really liked the mystery of it all )
| Sombrette chapter 1 . 1/19/2013
Okay, even though this first chapter is dialogue heavy, I like it because it's natural enough to where we can guess their emotions and it's doing a good job of moving us through the scene. I also like that we're not told right away on what happened to Luca, it makes this suspenseful enough for me to want to know more and I'm guessing it will eventually be revealed. Everything is a little vague, but that's okay since it kinda seems like it's meant to be that way. I'm also wondering what kinda of setting this is since it seems like these characters are banning together. Very nice so far :)
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 1/17/2013
[Michael was the first to find Ryan and Caleb, who were hiding in a tunnel slide in the park, unsure of what these newcomers' intentions were.] Grammar: The bit after the second comma has an ambiguous subject, because even though I know you're referring to Michael, the way it reads right now, you could be talking about Ryan and Caleb being "unsure." If you move the "unsure…" part to the beginning of the sentence, or make it separate, it would fix the grammar problem, I think.
I think this is the beginning of a fantastic story. I love how all your characters are not black and white and all have a reason to believe they're doing the right thing; it gives them depth.
I like the italicized flashback part. It was very tender.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
The narrative voice really captured me in the first sentences and kept me captured throughout the chapter. There's something personal about it, made stronger with the present tense as opposed to the more reflective past - so unlike most present tense works I see around this one really makes me feel like I'm in the moment.
I think the second half was a little disjointed though; since this is present tense and not past, it doesn't really make sense from a narrative view to suddenly throw in tidbits of the town that benefit a reader but no character. There's nothing that suggests that Ryan was thinking those things; the structure of this first chapter suggests third present omnipresent narrative, so therefore it's biased towards Ryan's views despite it not being in first person. This part seemed the most odd: [Not all of them were from there, not even most of them. But a lot of them ran without looking back, and the first safe place they found was Blackstone, lovingly nicknamed BS.]
[Ryan just balls his hands into fists thinking about it,] - I think that would be more impactful as "Ryan balls his bands into fists just thinking about it".
[At least Ryan tried, at least he tried.] - that bit was heartwrenching though. I think if I was still in year eight, I'd probably start crying over it. Speaking of which, have you ever read The Outsiders by S.E Hinton? I think you'd enjoy it.
| Chancer On The Scene chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
So to begin, I would have to say that thought that the ratio of dialogue to text was spot on for the feel of this story. It's clear that character interactions are importance since everything seems to be based in what characters have done, so the inclusion of dialogue is something to be commended. Even the way that the characters speak to each other reflects some type of past that is currently unknown to the reader.
That being said, I found myself very confused by that was happening. From my understanding, there was at least one "major" event revolving around Luca and if I'm correct, the part about Blackstone was a flashback scene. In terms of the event with Luca, I can understand an author wanting to reserve an event for a later date, but in this moment it feels as if the behaviors of the characters would only make sense if the reader can appreciate the gravity of the situation. Furthermore, it was hard to identify any main plot elements outside the one dealing with Luca, and even that leaves something to be desired. I think what you have, in its current form, is definitely workable, you just need to add both details and structure in order to make everything clear for the reader.
| Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
I think you've got an interesting concept set up and you set up a few questions in this first chapter- for example, the cause of the riots and why Caleb and Michael disliked each other in the first place.
I'd have liked more insight into the setting, seeing as it's evidently not a modern setting as such, but other than that this is a decent start. I'd like a little more insight into Luca's character, too- since everyone loves her, maybe the reader will love her too if exposed to her personality more.