|Reviews for rust plains|
| C. Auguste Dupin chapter 5 . 2/23/2013
Firstly I want to make some observations about this piece before I critique it in detail. You use very discriptive imagery to convey the piece's concept, which I take as; the speaker is talking to someone who they are with but who is not who they want to be with, but they can't detach their self from that person because they feel trapped, mentally, by all of the things about that person that they dislike, like an addict who hates what their drug of choice is doing to them and makes them do.
Your Pace has moments which make it very fluid and it progresses really well. Then you have lines which change your pace, making the reader stop and loose their momentum in the reading. As for Style, even free-style is still a style, you change your presentation of the piece often. When you add in the secound stanza, the one surrounded in parenthesis, you use a completely different format than in the first and third stanzas, and again in the fourth you add a fourth style. When you change how you present the piece to the reader three times when there's only four stanzas it's confusing, it stops them (affecting your pace as well), and makes them feel an incongruence within the piece which detracts from the Flow, and distracts them from grasping the Concept of the piece. Your use of imagery is strong and you personify the senses throughout the piece which adds strength to the picture your presenting to you audience. There are times though when you stop halfway through an idea then move on to another one, again this is someting which unbalances the readers attention to what you saying and confuses them, detracting from the pace because it draws their attention away from what you're saying by how you're saying it. You use repeating phrases in parts of the piece which are good to reinforce the ideas you're expressing to your reader, keeping them focused on what you're saying, but you don't use them in the most effective way. Overall you have a good piece with alot of potential and strong concepts, but your execution isn't as good as it could be. Now for specific's:
"when sight's not sucking sour on my retina,
gluing the wretched lens to the shit I can't-
I won't look away from-"
The expession "sucking sour" in the first line is unique in that it combines three senses when combined with the "sight's" but the way you present that line is confusing because I think it's too much for most readers to process due to how it's presented. As a result your message becomes convoluted and muddled. In the next two lines you just end your thoughts. You can't do what? What won't you lok away from? I believe you intended for the concepts of both those lines to be connected, but your use of Grammer works against you. Depending on what you wanted to do there would be different suggestions I would make, but I won't presume to know what you intend with those lines.
"If I could consume your innate-"
The same advice as above as above, his/her innate what? also with this stanza as a whole I wouldn't use parenthesis to encompass it. I would recomend only using parenthesis for something you wanted to leave your reader with at the end of a piece or before a piece. Which would either be something for the reader to keep in mind or to remember for reflection on the piece, not during the middle of a piece. Even when you do use it, use it only with as a single powerful line, not a stanza.
"Because I'm obsessed with it-
I can't dream without the nightmare
of your weight bearing down breathless
on my empty lungs, and naked apathetic flesh."
Same as before with the first line. the last three lines are all disconnected, the disjointed nature of the lines suggests an unclear direction. If you changed where the lines ended and started you could create a more clear fluid picture for your readers.
Your repetition of the words "I want your..." adds strength to what you're saying in the last stanza. As a side note concerning this tool; If you tied in imagery you used throughout the piece, and didn't break from the format you established in the first stanza in the second, then you would be able to tie the whole thing together in a very memorable way. The only problem is the discriptive you use at the end, you loose all the strength the stanza garners by ending on a weak note and doing so with two lines. In the begining of the stanza you only needed one and they have more impact.
I hope any of this helps, like I said before this piece has alot of potential, with a little work it could be very good, thank you for the read.
| CountryGal12 chapter 2 . 2/13/2013
Flow: I liked the flow. You had it at a very good pace.
Tone: The tone was beautiful, in my opinion. From the heart and beautiful.
Punctuation and Grammar: I found 0 spelling mistakes. Pat on the back for that.
Rhythm: Very smooth poem. As smooth as glass.
| SmashedIce.X chapter 5 . 2/10/2013
My favourite line: "I can't dream without the nightmare."
This is good, pretty vivid in the description but I like it! :)
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
“ It's already sinking on my lips/but he won't admit.” – the second verse feels unfinished, I feel like something needs to come after ‘admit’ to make this work properly, otherwise it falls flat.
I really like how strongly the theme works in this piece. Your use of metaphor was very strong and I think that it not only worked for the piece as a whole but it also enhanced the ideas that you were presenting. I got the image of a ghoulish maiden trapped underneath the waves, which is very evocative. The only thing I didn’t care for was: ‘My lover was a compulsive shit’ not that I don’t like the line or care about swearing (I’m all for swearing) but I think it differs to greatly from the voice that you had used in the rest of the piece and it distracts too much. You had created a really great flow up to that point and after as well but reading that line stopped me, and when you’re reading a poem you shouldn’t stop like that. Keep up the good work.
| SmashedIce.X chapter 4 . 2/6/2013
I like this, the imagery is really in your face, if that makes sense. :)
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/30/2013
I love the sea imagery in this and I think this is very much a poem about images. The whimsical language you use really compliments the narrative voice, too - and I liked that. I think my favorite moment was the first line in the 3rd stanza - it felt raw and human and very well placed, especially because we're getting a lot of sensory images of personified things, like sea foam, etc. that becomes our character/is likened to our character. I also felt that the "on-hundred nights wasted" was well placed because it tells so much. The strongest stanza for me then, of course, is the third. I liked the last stanza though to, though I wonder if "hurt" is a little too bare and exposed in language - maybe a better less plain term could be used to convey the same message in a more imagist way.
| SmashedIce.X chapter 2 . 1/24/2013
This is really good too! :)
| SmashedIce.X chapter 1 . 1/17/2013
Hi! This is really good, I like the line "hide the hurt in an ocean hurricane."