|Reviews for The Girl and the Dragon|
| Crystheadventurer chapter 5 . 2/5/2013
Very good so far. I love how it is a page turner. You don't want to ever put it down. A suggestion: Use spell check and reread it before you submit it.
| Raafling chapter 3 . 2/2/2013
I like the story thus far, though I do agree with tiamat that some parts seem unnecessary and slow things down a bit. It is not always useful to describe every little detail when trying to set up a mood. I'm pretty interested in the dragon, but right now I don't really have an image in my head to go with it. But then, I haven't read the actual introduction yet. :P
And just a personal thing: is there a reason you put everything in italics? It might just be me, but I find it a bit uncomfortable to read and it feels like a big flashback or something before the 'real story'.
Still, I'm definitely intrigued and looking forward to reading the rest!
| tiamat chapter 5 . 2/1/2013
This would benefit from editing. As is, it takes 3 chapters to even get to the point of the story and it feels like you've padded a lot of useless detail in. An example that comes to mind is in the first chapter, when Alyssa's father is preparing to leave and you describe first his clothing, next the length of travel to the capitol, and end with an odd mention of his wife's dress. His wife isn't going anywhere and her attire is largely unimportant to the plot, so you don't need to describe it. Similarly, we don't need to know Alyssa's bedtime stories or what she eats/her morning routine if the same thing happens in every chapter.
The introduction to the nymphs was absent - the reader is effectively told their names and what they are but you don't bother to show us with words. Try to avoid telling in your work; it tends to give your writing a robotic, informational tone instead of painting a picture with prose.
I don't really understand Alyssa's mother's relevance to the story. She seems like a flat character who is present to be disliked and nothing else. Maybe this will change later, but I would like to see character development from her. Why does she never seem to speak to her daughter in a maternal, loving manner? Is she overly concerned with societal appearances and Alyssa's perception is merely flawed and bratty, or does she actually not care about Alyssa at all?
Since you used the term "Mademoiselle" I'm going to assume that this story has French inspiration. Nothing wrong with that, but reading up about historical French customs and society might help you flesh out details and add flavor to your story. For instance, when the hairdresser is introduced to Alyssa they shake hands, which strikes me as incredibly masculine and weird. Ladies curtsy, gentlemen shake hands.
I feel that the scene with the dragon is pretty good and I liked the portrayal of emotions between him and Alyssa. However, you immediately refer to the dragon as a "he" when Alyssa would, in all probability, not be able to tell upon first glance. I feel that Alyssa, being a naive and curious child, would likely ask the dragon questions; whether or not the dragon can answer them is up to you. I would think it would make things more interesting if the dragon was cautious and curious of Alyssa but unable to comprehend her human language. They would have to rely on feelings and companionship to build trust and more concrete communication between them. Just some food for thought.
| WhiteWolfWoman chapter 5 . 2/1/2013
Wow... Awsomeness! If a piece of writing can make me want to strangle certain characters, and hug others, and in less than 10 chapters, then it is truly worthy of the title "Story"!
Looking forewards to the next chapter!
| eylandria13 chapter 4 . 1/31/2013
please update soon!
| Crystheadventurer chapter 1 . 1/29/2013
Great Descriptions. Keep up the good work.
| WhiteWolfWoman chapter 4 . 1/29/2013
Ooo... Poor girl. I would HATE to have a mother like that... Can't wait 'til she sees the dragon again!
Keep up the great writing!
| eylandria13 chapter 3 . 1/28/2013
I can't wait to see what happens next please post soon.
| Pupil chapter 2 . 1/28/2013
You only have two chapters so far uploaded here? Your DeviantArt page is much more updated. As you know, like the story, keep on writing ;) .