|Reviews for The Magician's Companion|
| Nami98 chapter 1 . 1/29/2013
Holy shit. You seriously never cease to amaze me.
| Complex Variable chapter 1 . 1/26/2013
[pervaded all damp and snowy forests.] - - - "pervades all damp, snowy forests."
I sense that you're trying to cultivate a light-hearted fantasy style. If so, you need to make your prose especially flowing and smooth. Little extra words—"and"s, "that"s, and so on—can make the flow all rough and annoying. You have an okay opening, here, but it could be better. Get a more firm handle upon what you want your technique to be—on what you want your readers to pick up on—and work toward that.
You have this odd tendency of inserting very brief sentences in-between much longer ones, for little discernible reason. It's... strange. :/
[In despair, Sara told him her story. ] - - - I would actually show the story being told in dialogue; show her emotions as she tells it, have him respond to her.
Ah, "lessling", I get it now! xD
Okay, so, you have something promising here; you need to balance it out and smoothen out the narrative and so on, but, this seems like a promising beginning to the story. My biggest complaint is how lopsided/irregular the structure of this chapter is: huge chunks of description at the beginning and end, with comparatively little in the middle. That needs to be fixed. Also, I think you can just cut the whole section at the end—[Many miles away, past the forest], etc. Make it into a chapter in its own right—a prologue, maybe, or the chapter immediately following this one. It isn't badly written—it's actually quite nice—it's just too much for this chapter, ya know?
| Shmendrick chapter 1 . 1/19/2013
I quite enjoyed this story and I'd like to see it developed further.
There were some things I want to point out. Firstly your description and opening paragraph. You've already said the air was cold so saying it was brisk and chilly is slightly redundant, especially as it breaks the flow slightly as the sentence following references the sentence about the stars. Older is a relative term and doesn't actually pin anything down about the boy's age as we have no-one to compare him to. I'd like more description than "reasonably handsome", my idea of handsome could be tall, dark and brooding while someone else's is just has to have all of his teeth.
With Sara you may want to consider leaving the explanation of why she's so hungry until she's explaining her story to Thom. This leaves the reader wondering why she's hungry, creating suspense, and avoids repetition when she does explain it.
The final sentence would sound better if it read "and he would adorn the walls of the Great Temple with it" or words to that effect. It doesn't quite work the way you have it now. General proof-reading would also help, e.g. "suspicious smear".
As I said I like this story and would like to read more. Don't put yourself down though, have confidence in what you've written instead of asking people to go through and tear your story to pieces to find a flaw. It's interesting and I want to know more about what's going to happen. As a general comment I'd like to know more about the world your story's set in.
| LemonLemma chapter 1 . 1/19/2013
Very good! Update soon! I really like the flow of the words!