Reviews for The Price Of Sin
TheBloodyPhoenix chapter 1 . 7/14/2014
I like the idea it is very... Interesting. If I could help I would recommend putting it into the horror genre as well
Guest chapter 1 . 7/25/2013
Hi, I love your concept. Trully original. However, I don't think the blurb at the beginning of the story is necessary. This is something, that, trimmed down, might appear on a book jacket, but the story speaks for itself, and doesn't need this description. I wanted rather more show than tell of what hell was really like. A decription highlighting the senses would have helped a great deal. What does it smell and taste of, what sights await one, are there really screams? What do you feel like if you go to hell? Even if hell is unthinkable, there must be moments when the senses are evoked. There are quite a few punctuation problems, particularly with dialogue. When a person speaks, as in ("So I really annoyed him," John said.) there is a comma after him, not a full stop, because the sentence only ends when you have added John said. I enjoyed the interaction between Eu and the creatures of hell. I would love to see this story develop, and find out more about the eternal sin. It is so rare that a trully original idea arives, it is a shame to waste it. I hope will will review my story Psychics v Terrorists in return. good luck with the writing.
Kessareen chapter 5 . 4/14/2013
Really enjoying this story so far!
The Scarlet Berry chapter 2 . 3/23/2013
Wow, this is very, very good! The imagery is great! The title was what drew me in the most-the price of sin is pretty clever. I'm never one to have magnificent titles like that. Anyways, It was a very enthralling read. Good job!
BrandNew chapter 5 . 3/11/2013
Oh my...

This chapter was, may I say? EPIC! I'm absolutely speechless right now. I don't even know where to begin.
Getting another inside look into Loke's thoughts about Eu and Stella, was amazing. I really do wonder who Stella was? Or is? I'm not sure if they're the same person or not.

I have to admit you absolutely shocked me with the fight between Eu and that horrible monster. I didn't expect him to even attempt to do that, and the fact that Loke and Howie came in and saved her, was icing on the cake. They are such loyal servants, you can tell.

The emotion was right on point. The way you described the pain and suffering that she was going through as the fight reminded her of Hell again, was just beautiful. It actually made me feel something, which is what I like about your stories. I have to admit that Loke and Eu's scene was very cute. They're sooo cute! I mean, I know they're not together but still lol.

All in all, this was absolutely amazing. But you know what really made it wonderful? The Vioce. I was sooo happy that the Vioce got a part in this. Wonderfully written! Please continue.
BrandNew chapter 4 . 2/16/2013
Wow, this is absolutely brilliant! You've managed to spark my interest with yet another chapter. I felt like I was watching an extremely amazing movie when she killed that man. And the fact that you let us in on all of the horrible things he had done was icing on the cake. This is great, and I really love the character development in this story so far.
BrandNew chapter 3 . 2/11/2013
Amazing chapter! I only caught a few grammatical errors. I am really interested in figuring out who this Stella girl was. Howie makes me crack up so much. I think he's just so funny! And I really love Loke. I actually love all of the characters. Very well written :)
ArmachiA chapter 3 . 2/8/2013
•“…who have turned themselves away from Life is a silly lake of Fire.” Life and fire doesn’t need to be capitalized.
•“When I died and left my feeble existence in life, there was no transaction between a 'Light' or whatever” I think you mean “transition” instead of “transaction”. Transaction implies a purchase is being made.
•I like that the beginning was a small explanation of Hell. It draws you in.
•“ burned away from the millennium that I had been suffering in.” you want to use “millennia.”
•There are quite a few sentences where there are no periods.
•“the vioce was empty.” “Voice” not Vioce :)
•Going from first person narrative to third person narrative is really, really jarring. Try sticking to one narrative voice.
•Remember to capitalize at the beginning of your sentences
•I think the premise is a solid one, so keep it up!
Midnight Writer2012 chapter 1 . 2/2/2013
One thing I noticed at first was that you used the same words more than once. "There was a voice in that bleak unstoppable torment, a omnipresent unforgettable voice that spoke to me as fire set each and every cell inside me on fire." This sentence could be changed to say "There was a voice in that bleak unstoppable tormen, an omnipresent unforgettable voice that spoke to me as fire set each and every cell inside of me ablaze." Instead of saying "fire" again, I used a synonym of it. Does that make sense?

Another thing is that you sometimes you don't capitolize the next word after quotations. ""Who are you?" the words falling off my tongue felt strange." In this instance, after the quotations, the word "the" should be capitolized. If you were to say something that ended in a period, like "Hi there," he said. Then the 'he' isn't capitolized.

Besides being somewhat a critic, I also want to give you some praise. This story definitely drew me in just from the summary. Also the way that you described Hell by not describing it. It makes my imagination run wild and wonder what your version of Hell could really be like.

Keep up the good work!
ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor chapter 1 . 2/1/2013
The statement about the reader not understanding what hell is or isn't seemed a tad pretentious, but the premise is at least showing very interesting concepts. This "ultimate sin", while it greatly contradicts the bible (Unless of course you committed balsphmomy, as aside from that, sin is sin and none is considered greater than the other to god)

"Unbalancing things" by saving people? That sounds like a logical fallacy unless this is yin-yang stuff, which always bugged me. If there was more good than evil in the world, the world would be doesn't magically destablize because of a lack of the "right amount of evil" in the world, as evil is simply a perversion of good and thus didn't originally exist and thus good can exist without it just fine. The only punishment is cease being? Sounds like a lame excuse but perhaps that's the intention of the scene. idk, this story just bugs me for many reasons. It's well written but it seems morally bankrupt, if that makes any sense. The bolded font was also bothersome, why is it all bolded?

Still don't like the idea that a sin sent you to hell since that's not how biblical things say it goes, but it is your story so yeah.

Sorry, guess alot of this is complaining due to my personal tastes on the matter, I'll try to be more constructive... hmmm...
I liked the Vampire and Werewolf so far, they were interesting at least, if a bit not described well. I'd suggest maybe going back and putting more into describing their appearance and the like.
Linguistic chapter 1 . 1/31/2013
I do really like your story. I was surprised at how much I did, considering I thought the plot was -at first- a little overdone. You said you wanted a very honest review, however, so that's what I'm going to give you.

So far, it reads like a manga, or a stage play. There is little attention given to description or detail, but lots of attention is given to dialogue and the personalities of your characters. If that was how you intended it to be, very well done. If not, I suggest you go over it, tighten up your dialogue, and give us some more detail- and not just in large chunks.

The main character, Eu, is interesting. If I had spent an eternity in hell myself, I don't think my thoughts would be as coherent as hers. For the most part, so far, she seems like a pitiless, emotionless (at least in terms of compassion and love, if not fear and pride) being that is simultaneously fragile and easily confused. The necromancer, be he God or Satan, really gets to her. This is good.

I also have to wonder what sin she has committed: betrayal? human sacrifice? witchcraft? That's a very good way of hooking the reader in. If it isn't answered by the end of the story, however, it will be very unsatisfying- and not in a good way. I hope you have a an especially dark sin prepared.

As just a general bit of advice, run your story through spell check. There are a few small errors which could be easily fixed. The other thing I think you should take a good look at are your metaphors and imagery, which are often very stale. Here's a few examples:

["T-they won't send me back to Hell?" for the first time, iron gripped fear wrapped around me] - 'Iron gripped fear'? That sounds really bad. Fix it up.

["You, who stand before me, clad in the chains of twisted fate, tell me that it is not possible to bring you back to life and let you walk on Earth once more?"] - 'Chains of twisted fate?' Not very fresh. Try something that will evoke images in the minds of your readers.

["On the contraire, you need my pity.] - You've mixed the French, 'Au contraire', and the English, 'On the contrary', and it doesn't sound nice. I suggest picking one or the other.

Anyways, nice start. Dark and draws the reader in. The bold text does annoy me (what's up with that, anyway?) but other than that, it's very readable. Just pay attention to what you write and don't get lazy with your imagery.
BrandNew chapter 2 . 1/27/2013
Another amazing chapter! I really am enjoying this. The plot just seems so interesting an it makes me want to read. I really am enjoying Eu. She's a very interesting character, and I thought that her putting on the clothes wrong was realistic as well as funny. I like how you don't have her knowing everything automatically since she has been in Hell for so long, it only makes sense. I'm really interested in reading more about Loke.
redhot11 chapter 1 . 1/27/2013
Well that was simply amazing! It's an interesting perspective you've created for your characters. I like it a lot.
BrandNew chapter 1 . 1/26/2013
I absolutely loved this! There were a few grammatical errors, well actually I only caught the word voice, but it was so fascinating and interesting. I'm especially curious on knowing what this 'Ultimate Sin' is going to be. Great job, and I know that you're not serious about this story, but I would love to read more. I hope you got an A on the story because it's really good :) Thank you so much for sharing!

I really enjoyed hearing about all of the characters, but I have to say the pale vampire is especially interesting, although I find the Lycan funny and entertaining. The cat seems very wise, and I'm wondering if the cat is Lucifer, or God. Hmm.