Reviews for Coffee Shop Of Dreams
professional griefer chapter 3 . 7/9/2013
I really wasn't a fan of the style you used in this. I think I understand what you were trying to do with the sentence fragments, but they got really confusing for me. In the beginning I had no idea what was going on, and I feel like honestly it wouldn't be that hard to clear it up. Also, starting with a sentence fragment just seems like bad form. If you start with one, it's not grabbing. For one, it's not displaying that you can use good grammar (I'm not really judging that though, I have terrible grammar) and also, it's not a great hook, we don't even have a complete sentence to tell us what's up.

Also, I didn't care for Jared's character. For twenty, he seems pretty unrealistically mature and locked in to a routine. I can understand the routine thing, I guess, but he just seems too old for his age. And it's not interesting to me to read about someone who's that young doing...nothing...

I'm not sure how I feel about the centering, but I'm not gonna talk about that, I'm sure other people have beaten me to it.
I hope I don't seem too harsh, I'm really sorry if I do...usually when I try to give con-crit I end up seeming like a total bitch.
Good work!
Whirlymerle chapter 6 . 7/6/2013
[I don't know to much of the city] “too much”

[I wonder if he knows how much he has effected my life.] should be “affected”

[He's eyes actually seem very cold] “His”

[it was as if the world it's self] “itself”

Interesting plot twist with Alphonse knowing Jared from a long time ago, it seemed.

Reading this, I feel like I’m entering a pretty familiar place, with typical people, but then you examine their individual stories and their lives are blown up to 35mm and all of a sudden, there’s this incredibly intricate, fragile, and beautiful web of relationships you’re unearthing. I like the resulting effect a lot.

Also, if I’m reading this correctly, Alphonse is gay? If so, I really like the way you dropped the hints, like how the girl at the counter isn’t his type and how he thinks Jared’s eyes are lovely.
Whirlymerle chapter 5 . 7/6/2013
[here's a normal. Mrs. Harper. Are hometown librarian.] I don’t understand the second sentence in context with the first.

[He made a cup of coffee and smelt the warm aroma] The past tense of smell is not “smelt”

The ending made me go aww… :3 It was as sweet as the first chapter.

One thing that didn’t feel quite right is Jared being a journalist. Mostly because he’s only twenty, and journalism is such a tough career to get into and so I’m wondering what sort of newspaper or magazine would hire someone without a bachelor’s degree, and with such a bland personality. Also, from what I’m getting from the reading, it seems like he’s hanging around the coffee shop for hours on end. I had an interview with a journalist once, and he’s schedule is crazy busy, like he only gets Saturdays off.

[The librarian knows a vast amount of needless things] I like this line a lot. I thought it showed his cynicism nicely, when contrasted to the previous line about how he used to want to know everything.
Whirlymerle chapter 4 . 7/6/2013
[Hey. don't look at me like I'm crazy.] either “don’t” should be capitalized or the period should be a comma

[over something little. then there's real stupid] same issue here

[He walks over to wear I'm standing] “where”

Wow. This narrator is a lot different from Jared, haha. I think you have a really strong opening. I like the line about Jared doing stupid things, including lighting his friends on fire… because, the narration was going pretty normally, and then it’s like, what the heck?! And I love, love how he defends himself, by saying they had a rubber jacket on. Throughout the whole narration, I think you did a great job illustrating how unstable he is.

I didn’t really like the ending, where he says “I’m a monster,” nor the part in italics where he’s crying. I mean—great for Arthur. But in making this moment semi-redemptive, the power of the piece weakens. Personally, I feel like, if he were truly a “a broken man physically and emotionally,” he wouldn’t be aware of his own monstrosity.
Unxious Custard chapter 6 . 7/6/2013
Lovely the way you tie up the loose ends in this story, and bring your characters together. I like your choice of name, Alphonse, which provides the appropriate air of mystery. I think that perhaps you could introduce the back story of Alphonse in a slightly more show, rather than tell way. Perhaps a thought back to a meeting with his father showing us why he was worthy of being idolized, or a discussion with his father's lawyer at his father's death? Rather than just tell the back story, and mention the effect on him, show us how this changed Alphonse. I was confused by the comment "parallel to his own self."
Unxious Custard chapter 5 . 7/6/2013
Hi again, I guess the "to, two and too" got too much to think about. It's two birds, followed by the correctly used too bad. I had a teacher in one of my many schools who found ways to drum this into me that I'd rather forget. The development of your character Jared is very good. I warmed to him, even though he's obviously so geeky and self conscious you almost want to shake him to jolt him into real life. Still, he knows himself well enough, warts and all, and there is strength in that. I'm glad you introduce the concept of change coming. At this point the reader is beginning to wonder whether this is only about exploring the psyche of a group of people - but now we can sense a story coming - a plot no less.
Unxious Custard chapter 4 . 7/6/2013
Hi, we start to get a sense now of the revolving door nature of the coffee shop. It's almost like a play unfolding. Your current monster is indeed a bit unlikeable, but that said I did feel a bit sorry for him at times, despite his rather large dose of testosterone. But one thing got to me, he says "Clara never wore heels." Is she dead, has he killed her? If not, His though would probably be Clara never wears heels, or Clara never wore heels when she was with me. I like the way this chapter reminds you that even if you are closely watching with both eyes, what you observe can never tell the whole story.
Unxious Custard chapter 3 . 7/6/2013
Hi I love your premise of your earlier chapters, of one person who owns(works in)?) a coffee shop watching life go by, but I too find the centre format distraction. That said, this often reads more like long poetry than a fictional story, so the centre format would be appropriate. Now that we're in someone else's point of view, I'm a bit confused by the 5'9" and everyone else looking tall. Do only very, very tall people visit this shop, or is this an error? I would remove the full stop between "Here comes the couple that comes here every week." If you want a separate sentence I would make it "Like I do." This gives more resonance to the concept of loneliness. I like your character Jared, very much. Although only twenty he has a sensitive maturity about him.
Faithless Juliet chapter 10 . 7/5/2013
I was a little bit disoriented by the sudden shift of mood in this chapter. I feel like the Jared of this chapter (he almost has a snarky attitude here and exhibiting scenes of sever mental problems) doesn't match the Jared of previous chapters. I wasn't sure why he was so taken aback with the waitress, just because she spoke to him? He came across as mean here whereas before he came across as scared.

Looking forward to seeing where you go next with this.

Faithless Juliet chapter 9 . 7/5/2013
I think you did a good job at showing his disorientation in this chapter as he wakes up from his comma. I liked how you kept going back to how his head hurt.

I didn't mind the center formatting in this chapter. I think the shorter lines made the read through much smoother.

Faithless Juliet chapter 8 . 7/5/2013
I think this is the best written chap yet, or at least the cleanest. You have a tendency to be more exploitative with your structure :)

I liked how you showcased Jared's awkward nervousness and the way he shook from fright. I think it does a great job with characterization and also character interaction.

Faithless Juliet chapter 7 . 7/5/2013
I think you have some really sharp detail and description in this chapter. In particular I liked the line about the wind coming in and closing his eyelids. I thought that was a really strong image.

The only major critique I have on this chap is that I thought the coffee shop setting wasn't exposed enough. I didn't get a sense of presence until the very end.

Lolitroy chapter 10 . 7/5/2013
Aw, well, the latter half of the story creeped me out.

I'm so creeped out that's I'm now dying for the next update. *redies*
(Sorry for the crap revew, BTW)
Lolitroy chapter 9 . 7/5/2013
Holy shit, why arthur!?

I want to punch you *dies*
But it's getting awesomely interesting. Can't wait for the next Arthur update.

Just want to know why did he get amnesia... hmm...
Lolitroy chapter 8 . 7/5/2013
Hmmm, more insight about the coffee shop. Agan, I thought the chapter was kind of confusing, but gaaah, everybody else understands!

*facedesks* stupid ADHD. Anyway, Great last line :3
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