Reviews for Holy the Dark
Ready-To-Begin chapter 3 . 17h ago
That is indeed creepy if you really do that. Jude frightens me so of course I will have to keep reading more about him. It's neat to see the interactions (a bit) of the characters from their point of view, it's definitely more personal. I like how his magic has its own identity in this. It's kind of odd, but I can almost picture I different person. Jude's probably just going crazy... or well, he already is crazy. This is probably all the same kingdom and Gaia was the Queen(?) Sorry, I got a little lost there, maybe I should reread to really figure out what was being betrayed in this chapter. I feel like that was Achitophel at the end/middle coming in the of the summary, I wonder how they all end up in the cell together. I was sure the girl ran away last chapter. You are very good at nailing all of the personalities of your characters in the opening chapters for this. It's easy to get a feel every chapter and I am looking forward to the next ones! Other than that, I think I will reread this so I understand a bit better and congratulate you on another job well done.
Ventracere chapter 1 . 4/15
"His cigarette ashes to the floor" I think there is a word missing here, but I'm not sure? Ashes sounds like a way that something dissipates into dust particles even though it's not a verb. That's actually would be a pretty unique way of describing the cigarette the more I think about it.

Your rhetoric. Oh my god.
Okay let's take this piece by piece. Your imagery is, by far, the strongest here. You open up with "they hex me human" at first I thought this was a mistake, but when I read it over and over again, it kind of brings out the shapelessness (shape...) of the speaker. In a sense, you bring out the idea that he isn't really there. He's physically in pain, but in the beginning I felt like he was disoriented, a little out of place from what they're doing to him. It's only later when they're forcing him to read, to speak in his native language, the torture that I feel like he's really taking in what is happening to him.

"They're all men with bright eyes and humming magic, the kind of magic that kicks you in the teeth when you're down. I blink, wishing I were dead." - that's the detachedness I'm referring to. He's not completely under the pain and suffering just yet, he's more or less taking in what is surrounding him before everything else begins to register.

"I agree with him, tears leaking from my swollen lids" - Here I think is where you have him feeling the suffering. You introduce that much earlier, but this was actually the line that stood out. I'm not sure why, but it did. More or less i guess I'm thinking it's a mark of how far gone he is. He's reduced to begging - which I'll get to in a minute - telling them to stop. He's well aware that they're "[taunting his] goddess" and his people, but the pain is too much, and he needs to give in.

Repetition, that was also strong. You don't over do it or overly focus on one point. The speaker's pitiful begging was cemented by the repetition and your style of writing. Everything flowed from one to the next. "Please let me die" the speaker is essentially reduced to an animal. He's caged, he's got no where to go. Somehow, your sentence structure mirror's his distress. They're short and medium length for the most part, like the speaker can't keep his thoughts straight for too long. He's fixating on the pain, he's going no where else to think, to defend himself.

Great Job!
Ready-To-Begin chapter 2 . 4/15
That's something new as well it seems. I don't know too many stories that switch first person point of view, I'm excited.

The characters in this story are so well developed. Along with the places and scene to scene movements. It's very easy to get lost in this story for a good while. This kind of reminds me of being human with all the 21st century (I think) time period yet still talk of the supernatural. This makes me wonder what's going on in these places right now. Where is everyone else? Why are the supernatural creatures so vile? I really liked the action scene with her fighting with all she's got against the witches.

There's this one sentence where it's a bit odd because “and” is repeated twice back to back. I'm guessing it's deliberate to show the state she is in, but it just seems kind of odd. I guess it works though...

“The sensation of being watched couples with the magic and and it takes every part of me not to make any sudden movements.”

I liked the way that your descriptions of witches and how they live is so different than what I always have imagined them. They seem like some fascist society here. I really like this character she's a tough one to go all through this and still make unthoughtful jokes. That made me laugh a bit. The descriptions of the interrogation room are great, it's as if I'm watching it play out in front of me (and I do love crime shows). That man's sick.

I've got to wonder what you were thinking about when you wrote this? It must of took miles of creativity to fuel something this good.

I've got to know who's in that cell? (I feel like I kind of do, but I'm slow at putting the pieces together so large fragments right now)

That's gruesome and cruel, I can't decide if she did the right thing or not? What have you done to my brain? (I should probably of not read this at 3:22am)

I'm just stuck on: Why didn't he hurt her crossed with Who was that man?
cybersheep chapter 6 . 4/13
- Opening
Your first line I think does a lovely job of immediately drawing us back to all the happy-happy fun-fun that lil Kit’s going through. Obviously, a lot’s happened since we were last with his POV, and even since Charlotte’s chapter, but I think you allowed us to settle back nicely. And all his poor pain – I like ‘pain carves while I think’. Also, I like how you’ve managed to sort of put a recap it ‘when that human woman left me locked away’ without clunking anything up with exposition. So yes, as impressed as ever by your lovely skills, Potter :).

- Scene
The scene with the vampires was lovely. I liked all the tension you built up before it – all the screeching, and how Kit seems totally at the mercy of the world. Poor guy doesn’t even have any clothes on, bless him. All he’s got is those keys. OH DAWW. I usually get confused in fight scenes, but this one was really clear, I think. Also, I really love how you portray your vampires – I thought the hive-mind idea was really cool. They’re totally inhuman, and all the scarier for it. I suppose that the fact that we know both characters will survive, just because of the way you structure your story, may have caused some sense of jeopardy to be lost a little, but I think the relationship / character-development pay-off at the end there was satisfying enough for the fight to really work. Um, regarding your question at the end, I didn’t think anything was unbelievable while I was reading, but I guess it’s a little odd that Charlotte’s still so close? But it didn’t affect my enjoyment or anything, and I never would have noticed had you not brought it up.

- Dialogue
Okay, I almost never comment on this, because it will just be blab. BUT HAVE SOME GUSHY BLAB. I really like how you showed the language barrier here, and how you used it to further separate your cultures. I sort of forgot that Kit and Charlotte are going to have different first tongues, but you made the dialogue just awkward enough to make that perfectly clear – ‘do die’ etc. I like how Charlotte talks too – she’s fun, but also freaking tough. You can tell that she’s been shaped by the life she’s had to live recently. Also, I love how their words weren’t cheap in this – they didn’t babble on and on because they’ve got more important things to do (like, um, surviving).

- Characters
I seriously sympathise like mad for Kit throughout this. I love how he’s constantly repeating ‘let me die’, ‘I’m going to die’ etc. You can tell he’s confused, because although he’s begging for death, the idea of it still frightens him (although, yeah, death by vampires doesn’t sound like it would be very pretty). I liked that he chose not to outrun Charlotte – given that she’s the first person he’s really had a conversation with in a year, I thought that was totally understandable. In all honestly, if I was in his situation, I’d probably just hug her and never let her go. Um. She would probably stab me in the neck. I love Charlotte too, as ever – the line about the Shapers being man-whores was lovely, because I think in Bardolph’s chapter, all the sex sort of made sense from his perspective. Seeing this specific aspect from Charlotte’s outlines the differences between your characters and their attitudes really nicely.
Ready-To-Begin chapter 1 . 4/11
I'm almost ready to favorite this, but that wouldn't be right as I have only read one chapter of this amazing story. The hook was good and easy to understand. I kind of wonder why the groups have been at war for so long. I also wonder why the king would jail his own people.
Readers can probably feel for the main character as he has just lost everything and is set to rot in jail, and probably escape hopeful, everyone loves a good dark horse or underdog story. I can see why it was nominated I've never even heard of anything, as one, like this story. The imagery in this paints a grim and destructive picture. It really feeds my mind to think of an imaginary language and kingdom. I can't find anything wrong with or to work on in this. The cliff hanger is nice because it gives a bit of an edge to the reader so he or she would have one main question to think of before reading the next chapter. I don't think the main character will die, but it makes me think that just maybe he will. Or become a vampire too. I can't see why anyone who likes fantasy wouldn't be hooked on this story. Great job.
tstul006 chapter 4 . 4/11
It's been a while since I've reviewed for you. RG EF

Okay so you've got a thing with these short choppy sentences. I know it's a preference thing but I find it confusing. I had to reread a few times simply because I would keep getting lost in the choppy.

Anyway now on to the niceties. I so didn't expect Jude to be her brother but I'm happy about it. I'm also glad that there is a likable witch. I loved the way you flipped it on the men as well. I mean not that I condone men being less the women anymore than I would condone a woman being less than a man, but it's a refreshing perspective from the usual 'keep the woman down' thing that tends to happen. I'm really interested to know what happens next so hopefully I'll catch you again sooner this time.
Domus Vocis chapter 1 . 4/9
I really like the way you've written this story. I've read a lot of books where sometimes the author does too much diction or sometimes too little, but yours is pretty decent and concise for the story's tone and time.

The same can be said for your pacing. It feels like you're taking your time for us to understand what's happening an what types of characters you've made. While it can feel a bit forced at times, it's pretty decent.

Your dialogue is fine as well. It is very even, timeless, and good to follow. But my problem with it is that some of them is buried in big paragraphs. My advice for you would be to have each piece of dialogue separated. An author once told me that the best way to write dialogue is by having it set as a separate action, that way it doesn't slow the story down that much. But maybe it's just me.

But I will say this: the way you ended it on one sect emcee is executed perfectly. It lets us know your characters pain and how she feels and it's delivered nicely.

Keep up the good work!
VelvetyCheerio chapter 19 . 4/4
T_T Potpot, I've missed this story so much. I was actually putting off reviewing it, because bad Potter, bad! You were supposed to be working on your thesis! *smacks with newspaper* And I didn't want to distract you with a review until you were deeply engrossed in writing on Hart and co. again.

Anyway, yeah, I've really missed this story. Also, not sure if it's because I haven't read from Ellie's POV in a while, or what, but I really feel like I can appreciate her train of thought more. Like, the visuals are a lot more stunning and clear just reading this the first time. I didn't feel at any point that I had to go back and re-read something. I think my favorite images are when she's feeling extra malevolent and smug about Ephraim, and then again when Jude smiles at her with his familiar smile and she's just transported to this earlier, happier time in both their lives. ;-;

Of course, ahaha, that's when I was like, whoa, Jude is being shady right now. xD I guess the sneakiness sort of runs in the blood. But wow, they are kind of a terrible trio of siblings, haha. But eh, when have royal siblings ever been on good terms with each other in the history of ever? Even as Ellie plots against Maxwell by helping Jude, she still has her fingers crossed behind her back as she binds a promise for Jude. And Jude's not being honest with her. Ugh. Everyone's about to be pissed off. xD

I really also liked the repeated, "I'm your queen". When Ellie first says it, she reminds me of a spiteful child (which she essentially is) who has been picked on, but now she's got some leverage, and she's still angry, but she also feels important. And then Jude is like, "My Queen? da fuq?" and you can tell he thinks she's being silly, but then he takes a minute and thinks about it and sees how disillusioned she's become, so he goes along with it because he hopes to manipulate her. At least, that's how I interpreted it, and it made me feel really nervous and just, aahh, so much secret agenda I can't. xD

Loved the heart sound effects interspersed through some of those paragraphs. I think it's what gave this chapter its sensational and visceral feel to it. Thinking between heartbeats, you can see how fast her mind is going, trying to figure the situation out in whatever space of time she has.

Anyway, yeah, definitely a noticeable light/dark thing going on there, but I think I already touched on that a little. You did a really awesome job with it. As much as they are siblings, they just don't trust each other anymore. But you show that disconnect between love and distrust really well, and I love the way you did it.

Loved this chapter! As much as it hurts to say this, no more updates until you finish your thesis! *luff*
tstul006 chapter 3 . 4/3
I really like the name Jude. I know it's all biblical and stuff, and I think I may just like biblical names. Like I love the name Cain. I don't know... anyway on to the actual review.

So I both like the way you wrote this to an extend and then I got confused and had to start again. I respect that this is just the way Jude talks because he's for lack of a better word crazy.

I really liked that you showed he used to be normal though, the flashback to his little sister made me smile and wonder what happened to turn such a nice kid into a monster that craves to kill.

I'm hoping the Shaper made it away okay. (Jasper if I remember correctly.) I kinda hope he catches up with Charlotte and they become friends. I think the only why these people will defeat the evil of their world is to stand together.

This world is quite scary though isn't it? I can't wait to see more of it though.
rg ef
Claremonty chapter 2 . 4/1
RG Stories – Depth #4,026

I think this chapter overall works really well. The style of the writing is similar enough to the first chapter, told from the shaper Achitophel's point of view, that the world of the story is consistent, but it still establishes Charlotte's unique voice. The action is amazing. Quick cuts, blinding imagery, deep, sharp wounds, very visceral, very effective. You really succeed in pulling the reader into an immersive experience.

Opening/Character:

The opening really does what the opening of a chapter should do. It sets up the action that is about to take place and gives us a reason to care about it. It gets us invested in the story. The montage of scenes from Charlotte's past as a rock star and the glimpses of the later tragedies she suffered establish her character. We learn in the first few paragraphs that she is a thrill seeker, that she thinks she is the sh*t (a rock star, after all), we learn that she is really tough, that she's a survivor and that she will pull whatever crazy moves she needs to eliminate her targets and that revenge is what she lives for.

Scene:

The scene that impressed me the most was the torture/interrogation/fight in 'bad-haircut''s office. You keep your readers on the edge of their seats as Charlotte exploits every weakness possible to fight off the witch and get his keys. I think your use of quick cuts, flashes of what Charlotte sees and feels, works very well here. Even though we don't get a clear picture of every little thing that happens (which wouldn't make sense for this kind of intense fantastic violence), we feel each bite and swing as the characters do.

Writing (including Pacing, Techniques and Ending):

Okay, this is one area where I see room for improvement. As I said above and in my review of Chapter 1, I think your writing style is very unique and is perfect for this story. The problems I found in this chapter have to do with stylistic consistency and clarity. There are several places where you mix your metaphors – 'magic is a feathery spider web that moves like a snake'. I think it's best to stick to one set of metaphors per element. So, you use spider references a lot to describe the way magic works and behaves in this world. There are so many arachnoid aspects and characteristics you can use. Why blur things and IMO lessen the impact and elegance of your prose by switching mid sentence to snake-like modifiers, etc.. I think the spider/web metaphor is particularly effective for the kind of very physical magic in this world. Also, spider/arachnid inspired names abound in anatomy and medical science (neurology in particular – 'arachnoid mater') and other areas that lend resonance to your descriptions.

I also feel that the writing in this chapter could use some general refinement/editing/streamlining overall. Sometimes I get what you are trying to convey (and the concepts are great) but you don't quite execute it. You also occasionally have redundant phrases where you basically repeat what you've just said only using slightly different words. These kind of issues are the same ones I deal with a lot in my own work and I tend to be a bit of a severe editor. So, please take that into account. These are just suggestions. In fiction, there is no absolute 'correct' way to write. ;) It's all about achieving the effect you want.

Before I move on to specific notes, I want to talk about the pacing. I think the pacing was perfect honestly. In the beginning you give just enough information to get a sense of who Charlotte is and then you delve straight into the action. You give bits of information about the setting but since you set up this location so well in the first chapter you don't need to spend much time portraying it here. The pace of the violence works very well too. Things hit hard and fast. I also think the length of the chapter is good. It feels like just the right length to get us immersed and then leave us with a resonant image and a bit of cliffy question at the end.

Okay time for notes:

"I'm out of rounds and there's a terrible pain in my side from a nice slice where witch magic barbed my skin and tore." 'Barbed' means 'to furnish with barbs'. Do you mean the witch implanted barbs in her skin?

"Uptown used to have all the best clubs and richest locations; it was well off and far away from the ghettos of the Old Mains, where witches spilled hate crimes into the streets and a revolution brewed." Some unnecessary words in this run-on sentence. Here is a suggestion, 'Uptown used to have all the best clubs. And it was the richest, safest location, far away from the ghettos of the Old Mains, where witches' hate crimes spilled into the streets and revolution brewed.'

"I wasted youth away on these streets." 'wasted *my* youth' no?

"I'll be counted among the dead and as good as dead." I'd go with just 'I'll be as good as dead.'

"They'd probably want me dead, anyway, one less mouth to feed." I'd change the verb tense here, 'They probably want me dead, anyway, one less mouth to feed.'

"They're practically target practice by comparison if you've got the right gear." 'Target practice' can be quite challenging depending on what kind of targets you are shooting at. Perhaps an edit like, 'By comparison they are practice targets, if you've got the right gear.' might work a little better. :)

like this:
"I pause, panting, and hear the witches coaxing me with promises: they won't hurt me, they just want to talk, they just want to exchange information."

like this too:
"The only honest witch is a dead witch."

"trying to dowse for me with a crystal and a map of the city." Unsure what you mean here by 'dowse for me'.

"Warm blood gushes from the wound and I yank it away as he crumples and holds his wound, screaming as his magic spills into vibrating panic." I would refine this some. Panic can't really vibrate and magic spilling into an emotion doesn't quite work here for me. Here's a possible edit, 'Warm blood gushes from the wound and I yank it away as he crumples. He claws at his wound, screaming as his magic splatters everywhere.'

"My hope fragments into shards as a collaborated hex brings me to my knees." 'Collaborated' is a very staid, corporate-sounding, polite word I feel. Perhaps use 'combined' or 'merged' or 'multiplied'?

like this lots:
"It hooks across my skin. I feel it in my pores, tiny thorns, a hot wrap that constricts my chest and movement."

"Their magic laments in spurts across my skin at the two deaths in their group." If their magic 'laments' their magic is apologizing. Doesn't quite make sense to me. Do you mean 'Their magic relents'?

"They huddle around the dead bodies and leave me choking with vision that starts to break and darken." I'd break this up. Suggestion, 'They huddle around the dead bodies and leave me choking. My vision breaks up and darkens.'

like:
"Magic hurts everything it touches."

"But I can still feel it, like I've walked into a cobwebbed mess of feathery dust." I'd use either 'cobwebbed' or 'feathery'.

"The webs shift into a crawling sensation that drags like scales over my exposed skin." Maybe edit this like, 'The webs crawl over my exposed skin.' No more mixed metaphor. :)

"The webbed magic waves across the floor like thin invisible snakes." I'd cut 'like thin invisible snakes'. I mean, if they are invisible, you can't see them anyway.

ha ha, funny:
""You're awake," says the witch who entered. He has a terrible haircut and a cigarette."

really good:
"He pushes his lips to my lips: burning, pulls away to snake his hand up my shirt."

great description:
"Instead I'm crowd surfing off a cliff, dipping into a black watered sea where hands press me into a watery grave. Charlotte?" Great loop back to the opening of the chapter. :)

"The witches try to cast magic by stringing it through a sign language, their hands threading loops to weave whatever nasty spell they're constructing." I would do some cuts here. 'Sign language' isn't necessary. You are describing signed language in this sentence so using that phrase is redundant I feel. Here's a possible edit, 'The witches' hands are threading together, forming loops, weaving nasty spells.'

"His magic webs across the floor, cracking ice, I can feel it start to splinter, break apart." I wouldn't use 'webs' as your verb here if you are going to evoke 'cracking ice'. Maybe say, 'His magic shoots across the floor'? Perhaps this guy's magic is of an altogether different character than the witches? It might be cool to use a different set of metaphors for different types of magic.

"Shock causes me to stand on my wobbling weak knees." Try, 'Shock pushes me to my feet. My knees are weak, wobbling.'

Don't know about these staccato fragments here:
"Shapers killed my best friend. My father."
and
"I can't hear shapers when they cry. Or when they beg." They stick out a little. Perhaps that's what you want here though, jagged language.

"I open the jail door without looking at the lock, staring straight head, rigid, like I'm blind." 'Straight *ahead*' I believe. :)

Thanks for a really entertaining, gripping read!

Very best.

mbw/c
faerie-gumdrops chapter 5 . 3/29
Yay, I finally meet the last of your narrators! And I really like Bardolph’s chapter. Not only because it had sexy sex in it (although, you know, it always helps) but because I think it did a great job of showing all the lovely work in developing your societies and your world. The whole pack mentality was really awesome here – the idea of the poor guy having to repeatedly pull out to let Carwin have his turn was a lovely humorous. Ah jeez, you can see why he was so eager to get it on with Margot (who I loved your description of, by the way).

It’s fun how this links with chapter one, and I can see that even though I read chapter one you know a billion years or so ago. Just goes to show how well you do at making chapters and characters sit in your head.

Ooh, yes another thing I loved was the way you showed the cruelty of both the witches and the shapers here, and obviously it’s awesome that there aren’t any clear-cut ‘good’ and ‘bad’ sides going on. The idea of the rings that don’t come off – omg how awful and claustrophobic *shudder*.

And haha, the ending made me giggle a bit. TO HAVE THE PRICK OF THE POET. What a gift :D. Oh dude and the totem forms, and how spending time in human vs animal shapes can affect you… DUDE I would watch DOCUMENTARIES on these guys. So so awesome :D. I wonder what part of Bardolph it is that actually does remind her of Achitophel :)
AppleCinnamon chapter 19 . 3/27
Something on the fourth paragraph was the repetition of "Thump thump." I really like the whole idea of matching up thoughts with the heart beat, but it could potentially be confusing or create a bit of a jerky voice. The first time I read it I heard it like I would if I laid my head on hubby's chest (so a low, slow beat), which made the moment almost soothing to read, in some dark, twisted way. On the second read it came out in Ellie's voice, it came a lot faster, jerky and just didn't sound or flow well. I think I could have even ignored the awkward read, but then I realized I'm not sure *how* it's supposed to be read. If it's meant to be a sound, maybe itlicize them for clarity? Otherwise, though, it was a pretty intense moment. :)

As for Ellie, she feels like good ol' crazy Ellie, but her voice sounds older. I always got a sense of "little sister" from her when she thinks of Jude (which I guess is almost all the time, lol), but in this chapter it almost felt like they could be twins. Outside of feeling a bit older, she's still pretty consistent, especially in getting ahead of her thoughts or cutting off mid-sentence and going back to finish the thought. I think one of the things I love about her scattered thoughts is that I actually understand them. Reading this chapter I kind of got hit with a reminder of fainting the other night and my thoughts being all over the place, and I found myself wondering, "Why didn't I see this similarity before?" so it an odd way, it makes her thought process very relatable.

Jude got major creeper feels this chapter, which was great for reminding the reader that, hey, this guy isn't exactly a prince. There also seemed to be a stronger emphasis on the earlier foreshadow of his villianhood (whatever degree it may be). I'm a whole lot more curious to know which of the siblings is truly the greatest evil, both on personal and social levels. I'm also starting to really question the nature of Jude and Ellie's relationship before the madness (if there was ever a time when it wasn't present). I don't doubt that there are genuine feelings between them, but somehow seeing the little hints of hope left my skin crawling.

Plot-wise, I can't say I know exactly where it is all going, but the last couple chapters I *have* been seeing how all the subplots are growing closer and starting to weave with one another. As always, looking forward to more, Potter! :D
IAmButAWindow chapter 5 . 3/27
Hmm hmm hmm...here comes everyone's favorite gleaming Window to leave another review.

Listen, you've got to stop being so good at what you do. With all the gushing I'm doing you might start calling me a fanboy. I'm not. You must stop. :D I love everyone's different perspectives here. We've got two shapers, a human, and two royal witches (one a vampire). The witches are off their rockers, the human is awesome, one shaper is a coward (and good lover so I read), and the last one is...I don't know yet. I look forward to seeing more of him. I like the writing style you chose for him, but I don't know much of what he does, or what his purpose is yet.

Your beginning and ending weren't quite as strong as other chapters I think. Mostly because I think this chapter didn't have the same tension/horror/pain of the other chapters. It was nice having a breath of fresh air, don't get me wrong, and I'm not suggesting you change the chapter in the slightest, I'm just saying it didn't grab me as much. Then again, I may be just getting spoiled with your incredible writing. It's only from these loftiest of standards that I can say this was the weakest chapter so far (and yet still better than most anything I've ever read :D).

The pacing was fun. Nothing wrong that I caught there. And I've learned to stay away from spelling or grammar in case I'm just an idiot and you meant something that way. No further complaints come to mind. Nothing to really improve on. I enjoyed it. Probably one of my favorite stories I'm reviewing. Original, dark, and oozing with raw talent.
ButAWindow
Claremonty chapter 1 . 3/27
RG EF #4789

I am really enjoying the visceral qualities of this story. Things that normally (even in the world of the story) don't have form and substance, do have tangible qualities, both in the ways you describe things (metaphorically) and eventually, as the action builds towards the horrific ending, literal physicalness.

I don't know much about the Achitophel character. He doesn't seem to understand much about who he is either. I like how it takes nearly three quarters of the chapter before his name is revealed. The way he is forced to remain in human form when the witches place the ring on his finger at the beginning is very well done and effective.

Overall, I am very intrigued not only by the story and the plot, but by the original setting and your palpable style of writing.

Here are notes:

"They catch me and draw me human with a hex that rips and tears like nettles and barbs against my bone." Shouldn;t it be 'bones'? He has more than one, no?

"My skin shades in yellows and deep purples." Like the imagery here but I think you might want to consider saying this in a slightly clearer manner, like, 'The skin shades of skin turn yellow and deep purple.' Just a suggestion. :)

"Two hold me down, press me into the concrete." Like this. You establish that this is a 'contemporary' setting here by using modern terms like 'concrete' and later 'electricity' and 'cigarettes'.

"The ring binds me human and now something breaks painful across not just my body, but my mind." 'binds me human' sounds a little awkward to me. Perhaps if you tried something like, 'The ring binds me, holds me in human form,'

This sounds almost like someone else speaking. It pulls me out of the story a bit:
"In every life we experience a single moment that strips us clean and reveals what we really are."

"I know every word by my heart. Achitophel Majwer. Fox." 'My heart' not 'by heart'?

"Witch magic is never really seen except in rare instances when it shivers like mirages of heat." Possible edit, 'Shivers like a mirage on a hot day,'

like this:
"Magic feels like tasting the color of a bruise. Like seeing the sound of a scream."

like this too:
"The corner cage is darkest and the magic is thickest." Again, great visceral decryption of the intangible. :)

contradiction here:
"Witch magic is never seen." But aren't we seeing it?

cool scary ending:
"I close my eyes. But the sound won't go away, and I'm left alone with him in the dark."

Very best.

mbw/c
IAmButAWindow chapter 4 . 3/27
Well well well...everyone's favorite hungry Window here to do another review.

Each character has a voice. Each character's voice is awesome. I'm having a hard time picking a favorite. They're just all so unique. It's stuttered and short, borderline confusing at times, but for some reason I'm never lost. I always can follow the story, despite my inability to follow the story. :D Understand what I mean?

As for your comment at the end, I pretty easily came both conclusions (of the royal family, and the matriarchal society). I actually rather like the males being called witches, even if the females weren't in the lead. A male witch is an intriguing thing. The word 'warlock' kind of just makes me roll my eyes.

I should know better than to correct your grammar, but the whole thing flowed well except for one sentence. "I'm woman." Again, I understand none of this is typically written, but I was able to giddily follow along every single snippet given to me, except this one. I did a double take on it a couple times. That aside. Bravo. Brava. Braveh. Enough Bravs. Good job! I'll surely be reading more.
ButAWindow
431 | Page 1 2 3 4 11 .. Last Next »