|Reviews for The Disappearance|
| Victoria Drave chapter 23 . 3/6
Once again, This chapter is astonishing. I know I might just be 11, but I know it when I see a good book. You're a great writer and I suggest you to write more books and make a living! woo hoo!
And do you know a girl called Veena Satheesh? She's my best friend and she persuaded me to read this book.
Thanks! Your books are awesome!
| Victoria Drave chapter 22 . 3/6
Even Though You shouldn't have missed out the 40 years, since it makes this chapter kinda cheesy. But this series of chapters is AWESOME! BECOME A WRITER GIRL, YOUR STORIES ARE AWESOME I'M GOING TO READ EVERY SINGLE ONE XD!
| Biscoln chapter 1 . 9/20/2013
How does she make friends with Minori so quickly, and what reason is there to spy on Jacob just because he acted a bit cold towards her suddenly for no reason?
Two thumbs up from Biscoln
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 7/16/2013
from The Citadel
Man she must have a HUGE walk-in closet if it could fit "a few sofas" - it's been awhile since I've read this story though, I forget if they're in the US or in Japan or if it's kind of in a fantasy world, but yeah, big closet, haha. I thought it was good that you described her room though, and the different places where she goes to get away from people, it definitely characterizes her, especially when she goes to take a bath and everything. I thought that whole scene and the pacing worked very well for the chapter. While the pacing moves along quick, it's consistent.
The kitsune power to rewind and look at flashback kind of stuff is cool, and it serves as a good device. It was also nice to see her bonding with Hikari and I thought you did a good job reflecting that, especially through the books. Their conversations eased into one another well, it had good flow. I liked the first memory with the PE teacher. I'm wondering if maybe you could cut a little bit of it though since it seemed to go on for a really long time with the bantering dialogue, but I think that also reflected the funny moment when she beats her own record and stuff so eh, maybe not. At any rate, I think you ended this chapter really well and I also think you did an excellent job reflecting the relationship of Hikari and Kojoro.
| professional griefer chapter 3 . 7/5/2013
I really didn't like when Kojo went into her room the first time. You were too obviously describing what it looked like, and it was really awkward. I don't know about you, but typically when I go into my room I don't think about what my blankets look like. Or examine my closet. It was pretty unrealistic, and it was too obvious that you just wanted to describe her room. It was pretty awkward, and I think it messed with the flow.
I didn't care for the flashback, either. It seemed like far too convenient of a plot device, and honestly, I think it was really long, but didn't add much to the story. It was amusing, but really unnecessary. And took up a lot of space, too.
Good work, though!
| Alex The Dragon chapter 1 . 7/4/2013
good chapter and i like the ending of it. One tip try to explain a little bit more of the kitsune just a little bit more and it would give the reader more the feeling that they stepped in an other world.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 2 . 5/15/2013
I didn't really like how the narration was so confusing in this chapter. That first paragraph especially screwed me up for a good part of the story.
[It seemed impossible that Minori would be spying on me, even if our houses were only separated by Kojoro's home in the middle.] I realize now Kojoro is the narrator, but why did she refer to herself so impersonally here? Or did she mean Jacob's house? Or is this Jacob that is the narrator? It's so hard to follow. I think you need to stick to a certain POV when working in first person, because it's so easy to lose the reader if you switch around.
But yeah, I didn't like the narration because it was just too difficult to keep track off.
I didn't like the writing that much either. There's a lot of telling and info-dumps, and that makes the chapter hard to get through. The premise is confusing as well, and I feel like if you had sacrificed lauding the reader down with the concepts of this world and added more setting description, this chapter would have succeeded. There was a lot of dialogue and reaction dialogue, which I thought built on the character of Kojoro, but she can only carry the plot so far.
[i had more important matters to attend to.] *I
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 4/4/2013
I didn't like how the first part of this chapter was from Jacob's POV and then it changed to Kojoro's POV - at least, I think that's what happened. It was a little confusing on whose thoughts were who, but I'm pretty sure there was a narrative shift and I didn't like that because it threw off the flow of the writing. I also didn't like how there were still a lot of typos and problems with the dialogue/speaker tag punctuation because I thought the basic errors were distracting. I did, however, like the development of the relationship between Minori and Kojoro and how Minori kind of sells her out, but she still feels jealous of her because she thinks she'll start dating Jacob - I liked it because I thought it was realistic and it seemed to create a good conflict that might happen between them. It's interesting she goes from being very skeptical of Jacob to benig jealous that he's hanging out with Minori - it'll be cool to see what happens between the two of them!
| Complex Variable chapter 1 . 3/31/2013
Tell Simran and Amoldeep that their names are AWESOME. :3
["How do you know?" I questioned. ] - - just say "I asked". Using complex synonyms for "said" or "asked", like "questioned" is something that serious writers like us should try to avoid. ;)
[Mother patted my school bag.] - - - Why not try: "my mom said, as she pat my school bag."
Calling the Mother "Mother", as if it's her name, is definitely more than a little awkward.
[Me, Mother, and Prim] - - - "Mom, Prim, and I"
[kitsune] - - - Is "kistune" both a singular word (i.e., "she is a kitsune") and a plural word (i.e., "they are kitsune"), or do you have to say "kitsunes"? I don't know, actually. x3
Also, sudden introduction much? xD You treat your characters' non-human identity so casually, it's a bit disarming. I mean, it's weird, a character just coming out and saying the equivalent of "Hi, I'm a legendary Japanese fox-spirit, but you can just call me Kojoro."—right? xD
[As a devious fox spirit, aka kitsune, ] - - - Don't do this. Think about it: Kojoro is a supernatural being. Her magical abilities would be just an ordinary part of her life, the same way that most people feel about their cars. It's neither realistic, nor natural, for a person to think "As a car-owner, aka driver, I wanted to drive to school today." They'd just say "I wanted to drive to school today."
Whenever you create a fantasy world/reality society you need to remember that, although the stuff that they do everyday would be completely amazing to someone from the real world, it is completely NORMAL to the people of the fantasy world. So, you should write their thoughts/dialogue/perspective in a way that treats the fantasy stuff as being completely normal; don't point out to the reader that it's not normal—that just breaks the illusion.
[Primrose Petunia ] - - -wait, so your main character's last name is Petunia? Kojoro Petunia? xD Also, why would their parents name one of them Kojoro, and the other Primrose? x3
[I've been practicing hiding my emotions.] - - - "I've practiced hiding my emotions."
Personally, I would get rid of everything from [You liiike him, my evil, self-hatred infested, and psychologically damaged side of my brain drawled.] to [While this internal battle was going on in my head, I looked completely calm and sophisticated and collected.] It's amateurish, and you want to be as impressive and mature as possible for your readers. ;)
[human-kitsune] - - - I think you could think of a better term to refer to human-kitsune hybrids than this. Why not make something up? :D
[I liked him immediately. I was also instantaneously disgusted with myself, as pure kitsune were not supposed to like human-kitsune. Racist, I know, but it was decided by the highest order of kitsune.] - - - Try not to say "kitsune" so much. x3 Instead of just giving the reader this kind of information about the world, it would feel much smoother and much more captivating if you also included a bit of your character's thoughts about the rules and workings of her world. Instead of only saying "Racist, I know", why not have her wonder why the higher-ups did this, or think about how she felt about those laws. Engaging your characters with the world around them is as important as engaging the characters with one another.
[I have a sister. Her name is Primrose Petunia, but we call her Prim for short. It's an uncommon name, but my father's favorite flower is a primrose.] - - - Since you already tell the reader what the sister's name is earlier in the chapter, I would recommend deleting that earlier mention, and just keeping this one. It feels more natural when you mention the fact in a conversation than when you mention it in your character's narration.
[School for Kitsune and Kitsune Hybrids] - - - XD Okay, so, I admit, this made me laugh. It sounds really silly, don't you think. x3 Can't you give names for things that aren't so… literal? Xo Also, why just kitsune? What about other supernatural creatures? :3
[My suspicions were proven correct when I saw the human-kitsune gazing at me.] - - - How does she know that Jacob is a hybrid? Also, if the Clan Elders are so racist, why would they even ALLOW offspring between a human and a kitsune? Xo You would think that they would outlaw it too. x3 This antagonism is significant to the story, so, you should make sure that you get it set straight. Why not make Jacob 100% human—then, the "no associating with humans" rule would work perfectly. Of course, it would also mean that Jacob couldn't attend that school; but, then again, you could just make Kojoro attend a "normal" human school—in fact, it would be really cool, I think, if you had Kojoro and several her supernatural friends/relatives going to a normal human school. :D
You have adequate dialogue in this chapter, now, you need to embellish it with more descriptions. Adding a description here and there between every few lines of dialogue helps to give your reader a good impression of what the setting and characters look like. What can/does Kojoro see through the window? What does this city/town/whatever look like? What kind of landscape is this taking place in? On the coast? In a forest? On a tropical island? On the moon? xD C'mon, paint some pictures with your words.
This is rather long; having so much dialogue without narrative and descriptions to balance it out makes it feel rather sparse. You might consider breaking it up into two chapters, to make it easier to digest. Still, it's a wonderful job, considering your young age. :o
[That story was sad, maybe even more tragic than a five-year old's parents being divorced and that certain five-year old not getting to know her own father.] - - - That's all Kojoro has to say and feel about this? You should explore her emotions more.
[(rather reminds me of Apparating in Harry Potter)] - - - OMG. This could be wonderful—fantasy beings living in the real world, completely aware of the fantasies that humans create for one another. I WANT TO SEE MORE OF THIS! :D Have them play video games, and see movies, and watch TV shows—think of all the pop culture references and social commentary you could include. 8o
You should try to develop Kojoro's personality a little more. Instead of just having everybody chit-chat all the time, let's see a little more of Kojoro's thoughts and feelings about what's going on. How does she see things? How does she react to things? What does she think about? Etc. Show that stuff happening in real time—it helps to make your character come alive in a way that primarily writing dialogue can't get close to.
Hazuko's dialogue needs to be edited. As it is, it's forced—also there are errors. Ex: [No talking back, or else I teleport you to miles away and] should be "No talking back, or else I'll teleport you miles away and]. It feels like you're trying a little to hard to make him nasty—and, when it feels like that, it becomes less convincing.
One final thing: you have quite a bit of information dumping here—all the stuff you reveal in conversations. It's a bit tacky. Try to break it up—spread the info out over several chapters.
| Annything chapter 1 . 3/30/2013
I thought that the meeting where she first saw the human-kitsune on the bus was too cliched. Instantly falling in love like that happens only in fiction. I do like thought how you managed to twist it a little with the whole ethnicity difference and how they aren't supposed to be together since it would be out of social class.
Primrose Petunia is also a rather cliched name. A lot of parents wouldn't name their kids after two flowers. I dunno, it's just odd, in my opinion.
[a fat kitsune with golden hair (cases in which kitsune are fat are very rare) shouted.] The parentheses here disrupt the flow of this sentence and could've probably been left out. I'm sure you could find some way to place the sentence in the parentheses elsewhere.
I do like the constant guilt that she feels towards being racist towards him and how she constantly wants to get to know him better, but also wanting to push him away for social reasons. It makes it more realistic emotionally, even though it is in a unrealistic fantasy world.
I'm a little disappointed that, for the first chapter, that this didn't have more intense, grabbing emotional elements to it. I also disliked the Japanese names and constant Japanese references because it's a little too complicated and choppy to switch between Japanese and English while reading.
I thought this started out great, though. With a little more work, I think it could be really something. c:
| professional griefer chapter 2 . 3/29/2013
First of the bat, maybe I'm not remembering, but throwing in the ages was really jolting and I really didn't like it. From my perspective, it was kind of like 'oh, and by the way, the narrator is over 100 years old, okay, continue reading the chapter!'. Also, her behavior doesn't make sense with someone who's that old. I understand that society would be different, and older people wouldn't be treated like they were older, but you would think that after a hundred years of even being treated like a kid, you would have experienced enough to make you seem older.
Towards the end, when Hikari's talking to Kojoro about their class, it feels like an infodump, like you're just trying to get all the information in. Also, it seems a bit unlikely that Hikari would go from being sad about Kojo being gone, to being hyper and taking a picture, to saying 'oh yeah, by the way, I'm staying with you'. That just wasn't that realistic.
I do like how you create sympathy for Kojo, though. The situation with Minori and Jacob is really awkward, and you could've made Kojo completely unlikeable and unrealistic by having her talk her way out of it, or attack Minori or something. It's a painful situation, and you handled it well.
| Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 3/3/2013
I found a few grammar mistakes, but over all not too bad. There are two big issue you need to look at first.
1. You switch first person narrators with no warning and really no good reason. If you want to use multiple view points that's fine, but I'd strong consider writing in third person for that. Otherwise you need to stick to Kojoro's point of view and let Jacob's thoughts be a mystery.
2. Needs a lot more description in general. What do the houses look like, what sort of things do kitsune learn in school. If I remember kitsune are fox demons/spirits, but most readers (at least U.S./European readers) probably won't be familiar with them...so you keep that in mind while you introduce them...also the way you describe kitsune is different than how other people use them.
3. Consider spicing up the "get to know you" conversation with something magical in nature a bit earlier in the story. Up until the very end, it sounds like the sort of conversation that could happen at any school anywhere with any normal kids...but it makes you wonder why you bothered making them kitsune.
| alyxbee chapter 1 . 2/27/2013
The language is quite simple, and straight forward. It gets to the point, and I think that really works with the story, especially since we are hearing it from the stand point of (In ch 1) a child - mother.
I do wish that the Dialogue was set up a little better, I understand that it is a mental dialogue so its not being said out-loud I just find it to melt a bit too much with the story around it.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
One thing I didn't like about diving right into this story is that I have no idea what the difference between a kitsune and a human-kitsune is and then all of the sudden we learn there's only two "human-kitsune" sitting on the bus and we only get their description at first. That makes me thing the narrator is unhuman looking at some sort of alien monster. Which I don't think is the case - but when its mentioned there are only two "humans" on the bus it makes me wonder what the other kids could possibly look like. Also it makes me wonder what the difference between the two is besides just that the human-kitsune are good looking. Does that mean the kitsune aren't?
"features of a Japanese student" is super vague for a description - I don't live in Japan and am very far removed from daily Japanese culture, so this description becomes totally lost on me as a reader. What makes a Japanese person different looking than a Japanese student?
I didn't like the big information dump about Ko that Ko tells Min, and then likewise. It felt unrealistic and like it had odd details I would never tell someone I just met - like my parents divorcing or all about my brother's past. I instantly couldn't exactly relate with Ko or her way of life - perhaps making her a more relatable character might be in order. I felt a little alienated and unsure what her actual stance on hybrids and purebreds was at the beginning of the story until she gets pulled away from Jacob by Min, that seemed to happen kind of abruptly for me (as far as learning she hates racist kitsune). Also, the info-dump on their backstories and families just felt a little too forced for the reader for me - as if you as the writer couldn't wait to tell us about their backstories and so you had them play 20 questions instead of working the information in gradually. I'm more of the gradual type, I think. Leave some mystery to pull us into their characters and families a little more, maybe.
Jacob Williams? Why does he have a Western name? Is this story set in Japan or not in Japan? I was assuming Japan - should he have an accent or language barrier? His name just sticks out as super Western to me if he was a human-kitsune living in Japan this whole time. Could have ex-patriate parents though.
I gripped my star ball tightly and searched Jacob's mind. - I have no idea what a star ball is or what I should be visualizing in this sentence. Why do people even talk to one another if they can just use their star balls to extract information and use their thoughts to talk with one another?
After a week of school - This created an uneven pacing in this chapter for me. I would recommend a page-break of some sort instead of just going right into it from the last scene with the star ball. More description would be nice too. Ease us into the transition of time - especially because I'm unsure if Ko is remembering the *first* day of 8th period when she befriends Jacob, or if she's remembering the most recent 8th period day within that week. Or when exactly their exchange was taking place.
They ride the bust to school but they walk home?
"Do we really have to do this?" Minori whined. - This line is where I got really confused - was Min with them on the walk the entire time? I thought she wasn't... Is this a new scene entirely? Use page breaks if you're not fond of transitions, or something that alerts us to the passage of time. This got really confusing as far as setting in the scene after the line I just mentioned. If Min is so racist and everything about human-kitsune, why doesn't she try to talk Ko out of spying on Jacob more? She seems hesitant, but not enough to justify her dialogue and personality when we first meet her on the bus earlier in the story.
[Minori wouldn't have needed herself to jump anyway. My strength was enough to heave her onto the fence. She dangled awkwardly, but I could tell that she would be strong enough to hold on.
We were almost there.
Strange, I thought. I can almost swear that I just heard Kojoro's voice out there. She was shouting something that sounded like, "Jump!" but why would she be saying that?] What? Did we suddenly just switch point of views? I'm so confused after the line "We were almost there" - I think we suddenly get put in Jacob's POV? You should realllly consider putting in a page break there for certain. It comes out of nowhere. Or actually - you could even just split the chapter and put us into Jacob's POV for the next part, kind of like what I do for INSIWB. Either way. But you definitely need to give us warning as readers before you suddenly switch character minds on us or we'll be lost trying to figure out why Ko is speaking about herself in third person all of the sudden... that entire scene was difficult to follow because it goes back and forth. While you can do that in 3rd person, I wouldn't recommend it in 1st person without page break indicators, and if there's anything I'd want you to take from this review, that would be it.
I'm still pretty confused as to why Ko and Min are watching Jacob in the first place, especially because there's mention of radar and perhaps some kind of ninja suit that Ko is wearing. Exactly what was their plan? We just kind of jumped into it without really knowing, I feel like. The reader is probably just as confused as Jacob is at this point as far as their intentions/motivations. I'm not sure what Jacob did to illicit Ko spying on him.
Overall, I think there are some strengths here. I'd like to know more about this world and exactly what a kitsune is with more description that perhaps what we only get in the summary. I'm new to this world and details would be great - but so far I think the concept sounds cool. I pick up that they're supernatural beings of some sort, but I'm unsure what visually would make them different from humans besides them supposedly being conveniently drop dead gorgeous - because that makes me confused about Jacob and if he is that good-looking? Not sure. There's an interesting scale going on.
Anyway, thanks for the read, hope I could be of some service! See you around!
| professional griefer chapter 1 . 2/25/2013
First up, I didn't like how you said human-kitsune every single time. I would try to think of a slang term to simplify things. I dunno, like H-K? It's not catchy, but it's easier to say and write.
Also, I feel like her mind conversation with Minori should have been italicized or something, because as it was, it was kind of blending into the rest of the text.
I also didn't like how you never tell us what a kitsune is. It's like you expect us to know, but I have no idea. I feel like you could have introduced it and not left us unknowing.
I like your writing style. It's very mature. I saw on your profile that you're ten, and it's really impressive for your age. It is very adult and sophisticated, but it wasn't really too fun. I would try to make it a bit more chatty, because it's basically telling things like they are, which would be alright for third person, but it feels a bit devoid of emotion for first person.
It's really impressive for your age. Great work!