|Reviews for The Blue Magnolia|
| Sombrette chapter 1 . 1/24/2013
Hiya, from RH :)
The only part I was getting a little confused with was when Victor suddenly spoke to the main char after the bartender did. I kinda wanted a little more detail there for the transition. But overall I think this is a really interesting idea, with the drug enhancing them and people fighting for a taste of it. I think that makes sense as well. This also has an interesting atmosphere to it, I know he said something like 'if he was in the 1920's' which leads me to believe he's not, I still got that feel for it. The action at the end was easy to picture as well, and it balanced this chapter nicely.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 1/22/2013
[She smirks, "I get the feeling you won't be here long."]
Edit: Comma after "smirks" should be a period.
["No, I've never heard of her,"]
Edit: Period instead of a comma at the end.
[I eye the bottle suspiciously, "Aren't there side effects I should know about?"]
Edit: Comma after "suspiciously" should be a period.
["Not bad," says Victor, "You have an hour left, better go practice."]
Edit: Comma after "Victor" should be a period, or the following "you" lowercase.
[It feels like a scene from a movie, though and they told me that drinks are free to players.]
Edit: Remove the "though," maybe. The sentence doesn't make too much sense with it in there.
Technical stuff out of the way, I really love your opening. It's a wonderful hook, and I think it mirrors the type of plot/characters the reader will encounter during the story. You start off with some fighting, which is a nice little preview of how things work and how I'm guessing they're going to work throughout the story. I really like that detail of him denting the bar with the other dude's head, too, haha.
I'm a little confused about the woman: the FR. Is the narrator going to fight her next?
I think going a little more into how it feels when he's injected by the drug might be an interesting option to explore. Does it burn? Hurt? How does it play with his perception? Do things seem to move slower to him, does it numb any pain he might feel while fighting, or does it have some other side effect? Or maybe it doesn't have a reaction at all - but I think that might be worth mentioning, too.
I really like this concept. In a way it makes me think of that newer movie "Limitless" with Bradley Cooper. If you haven't seen it yet, you might want to check it out. It's really good and I think it'll give you some awesome ideas and inspiration.
You end this on a really strong note, though I know you said you're posting this in half chapters. It's still a great place to end off, and I like how you narrate the fighting. The way you describe it makes it really easy to picture - very simple, yet extremely effective.