|Reviews for Hidden|
| ZekeFreek chapter 1 . 7/4/2013
I'm interested in the idea and what could come of it. I can't say I'm really "hooked" or truly engaged yet but it's only Chapter One, after all. I'll continue on reading and see where this goes. One thing to note is various spelling errors are present and writing such short paragraphs is a little annoying, but no major problems format wise.
If you'd be so kind to look I to my own story, that'd just be swell.
| Boomer Kid chapter 4 . 6/13/2013
Long time no see! I didn't get an alert at all that this was updated. And phew I'm glad to see that you're still writing!
Starting to enjoy Emilio and Luna's interaction more and more. Luna sort of gives me tsundere vibes at times, though I'd personally prefer if her tsun side wasn't so coarse. Hehe.
- "The kidnapper and the murder was the Stray from a couple days ago… there is no possible way that the police could of caught it!"
Hmm, I sense a conspiracy plot forming. Let's see if it's what you intend to do.
A pointer I would like to give for punctuating dialogue though. If it's a dialogue tag like said, explained, yelled and so on, you end the dialogue with a comma. Such as "Alright then I'll do the job. I just need you to sign this small contract which guarantees that you pay me my money when I complete this task," Emilio said slyly, handing him a pen. Before that, it was erroneous since you put a period to end the dialogue while the dialogue tag "Emilio said" followed it.
The put a period at the end of a dialogue when there's no dialogue tag. For example: "You have one hell of a daughter. I'm glad that I was able to meet her." Luna giggled lightly to herself. Before that you ended with a comma which is also erroneous. Since the action of Luna giggling is not related to a speaking action, and is hence not a dialogue tag.
I shall be looking forward to more of your works. And it's about time we get introduced to a notable villain! Some parting advice I'd like to give for now is to ensure that some notable motivations and goals of the main characters are presented more vividly. And let your creative juices flow, ensure that you present us with a few unique things and ensure the storyline doesn't become to predictable! Even though it's still too early to tell. Till then, happy writing, and all the best.
And I'd like to invite you to the Rpg, Anime, Own Stories Continued manga forum should you wish to get along with fellow writers of the manga section!
| SincerelyNaila chapter 1 . 5/11/2013
My favorite part in this chapter was probably the beginning, it immediately hooked me and I wanted to keep reading more, so good job!
There are a few punctuation and grammar mistakes. I caught this as well, "Calm the hell down duded you're hurting me!" I'm not sure if you meant dude or dudet, you might want to fix that. :D
Overall, I liked the story a lot. I hope you keep writing more.
| Boomer Kid chapter 3 . 3/25/2013
Interesting read. Looks like things are slowly building up in this chapter. Wondering what Luna noticed about Emilio to arouse her concerns.
Nice to know a bit more about the Malignant Fractures. They'll leave more of an impact when we know more of how they affect the world, as well as the extent they affect things like human society.
All the best and I'll be staying tuned!
| PaigeBlackwood chapter 2 . 2/13/2013
This story. Is. Amazing! D I love your characters and the way you write. I can't wait to read the next chapter! )
| ScarletRose7865 chapter 1 . 2/10/2013
I really like your protagonist's attitude. I think you have a good idea here. Word of advice, don't let it become too predictable. I would love to see where it goes from here though. So good work, thanks for the read. :) Check out my stuff if you'd like too.
| SungoPeace chapter 1 . 2/3/2013