|Reviews for Blackout|
| Skye Hawthorne chapter 1 . 4/16/2013
Suspenseful...Irritating at times...I can't turn away for a second. I love every sentence of it, one of the author's best.
| Skye Hawthorne chapter 1 . 4/1/2013
Twisted...I love it
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 3/1/2013
I remember reading this when you submitted it the other month for the WCC, and I thought it was really cool, especially because I can see where you got the inspiration for the thing inside David's head trying to control him (the "It"), and since the prompt was from "Spiders," this entire thing fits really well into that with your own spin.
I'm a little torn about the lack of description. I like it on one hand because it lets the reader focus more on the dialogue and the emotion in the dialogue and it keeps the pace moving really quickly, driving up the suspense. But on the other hand, I wonder if slowing down at least in the beginning to give some setting would help ground the reader. Once you establish where the characters are and the situation, then you'd be free to just plow through this intense conversation between David and the doctor without worrying if the reader is able to picture it in their heads. Right now I'm having a hard time figuring out where exactly they are - a medical office? David's home? An asylum? Just a normal doctor's office? I think the setting has the potential to really flesh this out a lot and give the reader more of a sense of urgency from the beginning, because if they're in an asylum then I'm suddenly at the edge of my seat wondering if David is going to snap because he's crazy. If they were at his house, I'd be more relaxed. So I think the setting has the potential to add a lot more emotion to this if you decided to go back and fill it in.
I really enjoy the syntax. All the short sentences and sentence fragments keep the pacing moving really quick, and it also allows you to keep the description you have really short, simplistic, and sweet, without it feeling too... well, short. I hope that makes sense. o.O I also like how David's dialogue matches the narration, too, because it actually feels like he's talking right to me even though this is being told in second-person. It's very interesting.
| JYates chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
Oh my review will even be returned? That's awesome!
Anyway, I think that your take on the prompt is done pretty well. This is the second story from the contest that I'm reading and I really like how you played the prompt straight. I think that the "It" in this story reminds me of the It from the movie.
I think the short sentences at the end really show the urgency that the doctor feels as he tries to calm David down. I think it's really cool that the WCC is based off of a David Wong story, even though I haven't yet been able to read it.
I really feel the connection to the plot, but I think that for those who haven't read either book they might feel the story is a bit lacking. Though I still enjoyed it and I wish you the best of luck in this contest.
| LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 2/7/2013
I like the way you made the story lack a clear ending because it draws the reader attention and allows them to wonder what happened after. I also liked how unrealiable the narrator is because it gives the story a nice sense of mystery and makes the reader to wonder what type of man he is.
| Thousand Writer chapter 1 . 2/6/2013
RG review: Geez, It goes some major anger issues! But, parasites be like that. (Venom from Spider-man comes first to mind.)
Anywho, I liked the simple layout of the story. I'm introduced to characters right away and given great, concise conversation between David and the Doc.
What I also liked is that the story played out like a mini-mystery. Loved how we all find out the brother is still alive and finding out just how much control It has over David.
The open-ended ending with David's blackout was a brilliant touch as well.
Keep up the good work!
| Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 2/6/2013
I like the fact that you're giving second person writing a go as it's something you often see. It's nice to see an author experimenting a bit, and it works quite well for this piece.
I also think your dialogue is a lot stronger here, and I like the fact it's used to further the story rather than just including it for the heck of it. You've also managed to give the doctor and interesting tone; patronising and somewhat forceful. It contrasts the typical view of a psychiatrist, so it was nice to see you move away from the stereotype of psychiatry having all the answers.
| Sombrette chapter 1 . 2/5/2013
From what I've read of yours so far I think you have really good control over dialogue, it's natural and easy to follow and since it's mostly dialogue it's also doing a good job of creating the scene little by little. I also think it's interesting that even though here, there are minimal dialogue tags and scene descriptors, I'm still able to have a grasp of the actual scene. I get that institutionalized feel for it, especially with how the doctor is speaking to him. I liked the idea of 'It' thing within him feeding his thoughts, making him delusional since it's clear he solely believes John poofed out of existence. I also liked how this ended, and how it tied into the title. I thought the buildup of the anger It was projecting was evident and was a nice way to end it abruptly which I didn't mind.
| thetruthaboutsilver chapter 1 . 2/5/2013
as part of the review game :)
One thing I liked: the POV (second person, right?) really drew me in. ""No," you say, and that's the truth. Your blackouts happen..." really makes me feel kinda like I'm in the story, and keeps me reading.
One thing I disliked: "...reaches out to grab your hand, but you ain't falling for that."
The 'ain't' would flow with the rest of the story, but I didn't really see any more signs of having that commoner sort of accent, and so in this context, it just throws me off from the natural flow.
| Aletiah chapter 1 . 2/5/2013
This is really good. I love the writing style and the plot. I want to read more of it :)
First I thought he had killed his brother, but I'm glad he didn't. The ending is scary...
| Shampoo Suicide chapter 1 . 2/4/2013
I love this. It's what I thought of when I saw the prompt, an evil force controlling someone's mind. I think what made it so effective were the interjections of the "parasite" taking further hold of their mind.
"Last time they tried to 'kill' It you were empty and tired for days. Fever dream after fever dream…and It lived on inside of your brain. Fed on your exhaustion. They were only helping It. They wanted It to live.
You know that."
This, for me, evoked an image of someone strangled by an antipsychotic that isn't quite working yet. You perfectly illustrated a character in distrust of the doctors trying to help him or, as he sees it, hurt. I liked the ending a lot, allowing the reader to draw their own (probable) conclusion as to what happened during the blackout when the parasite once again took control. I also like the fact you reveal John wasn't dead but just removed and alienated from our narrator. Very well done.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/4/2013
Cool - I like the dialogue work you're doing here, I think it's doing a good job showing and getting into the characterizations of the doctor/interrogator and David. JDaTE is a really good book, I agree, haha. Have you seen the movie yet? But anyway, the use of John and David's names were a fun throwback to those characters, and I definitely kind of got that vibe even though you said you just took the names - I don't think I can detach John from his personality, even though he was barely in this as an actual character.
I liked how this "It" starts to unfold that's effecting David and what that's about. I think that kind of ties into the prompt as far as something more sinister/supernatural going on in the human psyche, so you captured that really well. Enjoyed the inventiveness of the second person too. You're always into that, and I think you're continuing to develop a good balance with it. We get the character of the "you" and then David this time, which is interesting, it feels like two separate identities, which kind of also ties into this shadowy "blackout" causing "It". Cool take on the prompt, for sure. Some of the best dialogue sequence/exchanges I've seen in your writing yet! Really showed this scene with David well, and I liked the twist at the end about John and what happened between them during their childhoods because I didn't see that coming!