Woahhhh thats alot of chapters

Quite good . I wish I could write like this when I was 13, fifteen and still struggling on a story XD anywho, it was an amazing story and I hope you had as much fun writing it as I did reading it

Goodness this story os good. Very emotional. I like what you did at the end and I'm so happy Alex lives..

You totally got me to fall for the whole funeral thing! I actually thought that it was Alex's! At first I was kinda confused, about the whole nobody crying thing but then you explained an I was like YES! He didn't die!
Honestly, I loved this story. It was well written, not at all confusing, and was pleasant to read.

pretty damn good. you must be proud

I don't have much time, so I'll be brief. I followed the story all the way through, which I rarely do on FictionPress, as, in my opinion, most of the stories are either obnoxiously cliche or poorly written. The fact that I didn't throw my laptop across the room, bury my head in my palms, or scream in anger at any point in your story says a lot about it. That's a compliment I almost never give.

That being said, your story was an enjoyable read, actually a positive as opposed to a lack of negatives (They're distinct things in my head). Your character development was good, if at times slightly inconsistent (Sophie's narration at points is a little incongruous with her character). You took plot elements which are almost always cliche and gave them a new spin, or didn't emphasize them (e.g., not making the teen pregnancy thing a center point.) That was, however, an area I felt was weak - Sophie seemed unusually oblivious to what was going on in CH 20, and the dialogue in that chapter seems forced or completely insincere, especially from Sarah's parents. I get that this is probably what you were going for, but I think you overdid it a bit. William I thought became a character too late given his role in later chapters, but that's artistic license.

Other flaw: Sophie's mother. The character, while intended to be incredibly irrational and crazy, goes too far. I would have liked to see some logic for why she is trying to kill her daughter, but I assume that mystery was part of your plan for the story. That being said, in her, you essentially create a super villain, which was my major complaint about the story. Why is she so impossible to get rid of? Why don't the police catch her? Why is she always allowed to escape? How does she always track down her daughter? Where did her penchant for random slaughter come from? You alluded to her being "Trained" in CH 26, I think, but that seems like a shadow allusion and is way too late in the story, I think.

This, I think, triggers the other issue - general reaction to Sophie's mother. Why is Sophie always unable to defend herself? Wouldn't it have made sense to find some more permanent means of protection? Why isn't she more closely watched by the police? Why don't Robert and Alison respond in a more proactive fashion? That last is, in general, my main complaint about reactions to the villain - why is everyone so reactive, as opposed to proactive?

In the final analysis, Sophie's mother needs, I think, to be developed more, her motives and abilities explained, et cetera. In addition, I think you could have tailored reactions to her to make them consistent or logical, or maybe explained why they were always so reactive.

In general, however, I had only two major complaints, and a few minor ones, and I have a tendency to rip people apart for my own amusement. Your story was very, very good - probably the best I've read on this sight. The main characters were well developed, with that one exception, the plot was crisp and original, the narration style, while unorthodox, was surprisingly gripping, and you avoided most cliches. Extremely well done. My best advice is keep writing, and keep improving. You have a gift for narration.

What about ne and the baby? Vicky u should be nore considerate when kilking off characters! Damn. That was amazing. I loved how u described both William and Alex and then didnt describe her picking up the gun so it was a complete surprise when she shot her!
Amazing.

Kate x

Omg thats so scary! I know she wont die but it feels like it! Hate that her mum claimed to kill alex. :-/

Kate x

Omg thats so scary! I know she wont die but it feels like it! Hate that her mum claimed to kill alex. :-/

Kate x

What, so we dont even know what he needed to spill about? I like Sarsh went into labour tho

Kate x

Enjoying the story so far, keep up the good work!

I really liked this story. But I feel like the lastthree chapters were centered around Sarsh instead of Sophie. I l'm kind of disappionted. Please don't think I'm 'dissing' this story, I just liked the different events better.

eery! thats scary! didn't thik the ambulance worker was very realistic, and ambulances should get to you in under three minutes. but other than that good!

Kate x

Heehee! Good that william is her rock now- takes the of alex :-D

Kate x

Not Alex! Nooo. He can't screw up, he's my second favorite character!