|Reviews for In Search Of A Heart - Motomeru Kokoro|
| Raveg64 chapter 2 . 9/15/2013
Its good...but the chapters are too short...
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 4 . 7/8/2013
And this is the chapter where s*** got serious.
I remembered you saying that description isn't your strong suit. Considering the minimalist nature of your prose and the how the action went by pretty quickly, I guess that's fair. I'm no good with description myself, so a suggestion here is to make use of metaphors or similes to liven up the reading experience and give it more zing. It saves you from the headache of trying to concretise the descriptions, allowing room for playful creativity.
[I gripped it tightly with both my hands and it transformed in to a dual-handed sword]
[and I could not see whether they were male or female]
- missing full-stop
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 3 . 7/8/2013
Tsunemori's MOE reminds me a lot of your RPs with Eri ;)
Nice cliffy at the ending. The connoisseur approves.
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 2 . 7/8/2013
Ah, your 1st POV narration is really easy on the eye and accessible, though you do have the tendency to put in way too many commas than necessary, which does bring a staccato and jerky rhythm to the prose. Unless that was your intention to mirror Hikari's character with the style of your writing.
Take for instance 'My eraser inconveniently fell, and rolled all the way to her chair.'
Other than that, nothing much to say about the story as of yet, though Yuu-chan's premise of declaring someone else a friend is really adorable.
["Umm… thank you Yamamoto-san"]
- missing commas between 'you' and 'Yamamoto-san', and a closing comma to denote the end of dialogue. (Irony here, I know -.-;)
| Katsurou Shimizu chapter 1 . 7/8/2013
Short but sweet intro that establishes the premise quickly and draws the readers into reading on. Nice (0.0)b
- You missed out a full-stop after 'outside'
| riverstardust chapter 23 . 6/26/2013
Yay Babie-chan updated! *glomps* cool POV change, it didn't feel forced or weird. And your writing style feels like it had a little change to it as well, which is good!(or maybe its just me reading too many different stories at once and getting confused!)
Poor Kaoru, didnt get any pizza. I do hope they get Sophies dress after eating though!
Totally understand writers block youre facing! I usually write only when im feeling in the mood, and this is terrible for the stories process *le sigh* dont worry Babie-chan, take your time and write when you feel like writing, cause writing supposed to make you happy! Good luck!
| Psykofreac chapter 3 . 6/25/2013
Looks like I got a lot to catch up to on this story. Having a main character who actually doesn't have a heart is unique but seems pretty strange to me connecting with her. It is interesting nevertheless and I'll see how it goes. It also makes her interactions with other characters pretty entertaining.
| Nori-san chapter 23 . 6/25/2013
I know how you feel with all the delays in update because I'm suffering from one right now! Darn writer's block..
A side story in the eyes of Kaoru's. it's a refreshing touch but it's also a really tricky way of writing. Not to the readers but the writer. Because no two people think the same, you'll have to make sure that each character have their own inner voice. As I read along, you do have that, though I find it still unstable because at certain times I will question myself if it's Hikari or Kaoru's story that I'm reading.
It's tough no doubt but the easiest way and I guess the tip I can share with you is to create strong core dynamics and characteristics for each of your cast!
If you ever need reference, there's the novel 'I am number four' ; a really great action packed story in the eyes of nine different character!
If you like, I have a link to a certain writer that writes POV styles too!
All in all, great job and I'm looking forward to your next update:)
| cud-b-better chapter 23 . 6/25/2013
Not too shabby little side chap. The change in POV worked well.
Anyway I'm not sure, but I think this bit sounds a little wrong "Momo's face turned towards in a rather robotically" (my english grammar is pathetic at best so not entirely sure.)
I hope you are able to continue with the main story soon no need to rush however.
| riverstardust chapter 22 . 6/21/2013
Haha I think the word you're looking for is 'bomb' *winks* you dont need to start from scratch! maybe once you complete the entire story you could work on modifying the words and sentences a little (I have to do the same as well but I dont plan on starting till im done with the story. Also, I heard plagiarism happens sometimes around here so once you complete your story you might wanna take half of it down and maybe publish the entire story and keep just the few beginning chapters as a promotion to the book)
I like the way you wrote on how a mother would react to such a situation; my mother would have been mad as well xD and its interesting how you made the children think they were adopted when they were really actually their children. Its the opposite to the conventional(usually its the adopted child who thinks he's related) here's a tiny mistake:
"We never (were) against you all knowing anything…" add in the 'were' hope you update soon!
| riverstardust chapter 21 . 6/21/2013
OoOo nice fight! I getting worried for Hikari's health, she's so hazardous! You've painted a very good picture of a determined heroine with her! Here's a sentence that confused me slightly:
"I saw many a colours… and Kaoru's voice amidst it…." Did she see Kaoru's voice? Maybe you could add "and (heard) Kaoru's voice"
| riverstardust chapter 20 . 6/20/2013
It's a bit weird that the information on Raku's failure took such a long time to reach Akari. Other than that, good chapter! Lots going on and finally Akari appears! And she could be a ghost?! Epiccc!
| riverstardust chapter 19 . 6/19/2013
Yay they're finally goin to Hokkaido! I'm still curious about Raku though o.o
| riverstardust chapter 18 . 6/18/2013
Ah! I forgot about Raku's existence for awhile there! Hope he wakes up soon!
Wow I wouldn't have guessed a happiness stone enhanced speed! Awesome! Momo carrying a first aid kit everywhere clearly shows she's prepared for her friends safety! Reading this story of yours makes me feel as if i'm watching an anime, its so fun!
| cud-b-better chapter 22 . 6/17/2013
Looks like an even bigger fight scene is coming up. The way hikari is being treated by the parents further stimulates to me that she is different from the others in some way. Can't wait to see what happens next.