Reviews for Detective Morgan
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 8/8/2013
I feel like you could take a little more time to expand on this, to let the reader’s know what’s going on in Morgan’s head. As it is, it feels a bit rushed, and it’s hard to get an idea of the world around him. [The mood of the room made Morgan want to get out of there.] What sort of mood is it? What about Lane makes Morgan feel so off? That scene is quite jumpy, and as a reader I have no idea why Morgan wants to rush out of there so quickly. Slow down the pacing, so the character can get to know the characters and, especially, Morgan and his motivations, what drives him, that sort of thing. Hope this helps, and good luck.
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 5/19/2013
The setting feels a bit off for the time period. I get that it’s AH, but it’s still history, so I think a bit more research could really add to the overall feel of the piece. You have a tendency to tell, rather than show, so that’s something I would strongly suggest working on. Explore the characters a bit more, work on ways of showing how they feel and grounding them in the historical aspect of the piece. There’s a lot of information in the first few paragraphs, so it means a lot for the reader to grasp. You could potentially lose readers by trying to say too much too fast, so space it out more throughout the chapter. Fewer grammatical errors you may want to look over, and watch out for long, run-on sentences. Nice mystery with the woman at the end, but it seemed to happen very quick and was very out of the blue, so maybe build that up a bit more. Maybe she’s hanging around or something when they move the stuff inside. Good luck.
Eiya Weathes chapter 1 . 4/12/2013
I don't read much historical fiction so I apologize for the lack of helpfulness of my review. But I digress. Back to what I was saying, I don't read much historical fiction, but I found this particularly fascinating.

However, at first, I felt like the beginning was a massive information dump on my shoulders. I feel like you could have opened the story with something less confusing, and more memorable. Also, every now and then, I just felt confused about everything that was happening. But maybe that was just me. Regardless, I would suggest that you brush up on showing more instead of merely telling. That would definitely add to the impact of the scene.

Moving on, I like the portrayal of Morgan's character so far. He doesn't come off as unrealistic or egotistical which is a huge plus in my book. Also, I think you have an untapped talent in imagery and description. You just have to find it.

(From the Roadhouse Bar.)
Nihongi chapter 1 . 4/5/2013
I think it's a really neat concept with it being a detective noir story set in the 1890's, but remember "alternate history" is not an excuse for not doing the proper research and if your successful at the AH storytelling that opens up so many possibilities for your stories. Some minor grammatical mistakes are present, and some of the writing feels more like your "telling" rather than "showing", still I think it has a solid character and cool setting to work with the shortcomings!
Kay Iscah chapter 1 . 4/1/2013
If you're going to set a story in 1896, even a comic story, it would be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the time period. Sherlock Holmes was extremely popular and science wise it was an exciting time to be an investigator...it was still a budding profession, so Morgan's premise is full of potential. However the Wright brothers had not invented their airplane yet, so it's unlikely they would have a museum dedicated to airplanes. They had hot air balloons, and some things that were basically gliders...but not what we would call airplanes.

Also it seems a little odd for a newspaper to be faded on the day it's printed/delivered. I'd double check the historical accuracy of that detail. A newspaper from that era would look faded and discolored now because it would be very old, but it wouldn't start out faded.

"oh my gosh" seems a little anachronistic, but I'd have to do a little research before I could say what would be better...I know British slang for this time period better than U.S. slang.

You have a runon sentence and a lot of commas missing. I'd suggest finding a beta tester or proofreader to help you spot that stuff.
wisedec4u chapter 1 . 3/29/2013
I'm little confused about the setting and when this all taking place. Also, it seemed you were kind all over the place with your descriptions and Morgan's train of thoughts. Your seem somewhat rushed and as reader, it was hard for me to really get handle on what was going on in this scene. I would suggest slowing down the pacing a bit. And since this is a noire theme, add a little more suspense to your prose. Make the female a little more mature and mysterious. Add some sensuality to your descriptions of the Mary so we can truly understand why Morgan is so taken by here. Well, that my constructive critique. Hope it helps. Keep writing. Practice makes perfect. ;-)
Marvelle Petit chapter 1 . 3/29/2013
I adore detective noir stories. Absolutely adore them. There are a couple of lines that gave a hint of the setting that intrigue me. I'll follow this in the future. I also had some grammar problems, particularly with the first paragraph, so I'll do a detailed crit of that.

It's too short to have a good grasp on what's going on or the characters, but I'll try to review all the same. My comments will be in parenthesis.

The first paragraph really confused me.
Morgan was a decent detective, no scratch that, Morgan was a fantastic detective. (I'd actually delete this sentence and make the following the first sentence in the story. It gives the idea of the first sentence and gives the audience a better feel for his character and setting of the story. Overall a stronger opener than the passive "was" implies.) Morgan was (change to is) one of the best detectives of the entire Seattle Street d(D)etective a(A)gency. The legend of Morgan's talent extended back to the 19th century, (period; and this line intrigues me setting wise) February 7th, 1896 to be exact. Actually, that was the date of day and Morgan had become a detective yesterday. (This sentence makes no sense. I can't really gleam what you're trying to say by it. Is the Feb date the day be became a detective, or the day his legendary case occurred? I would separate it into several sentences for clarity.) Regardless of that, out of the five detectives employed he was for sure in the Top Five.(There are five detectives employed, and he's in the top five? Is that meant to be a joke? I laughed at it like it was a joke, hahaha. I just thought I'd make note of it. Is there a reason why the Top Five is capitalized like it's important?) (I would start a new paragraph here)Morgan's trendy downtown apartment was in the center of all the action. There was a library across the street that even has a bike rack. (Why is the library and necessity of a bike rack important?) Next door to the apartment building was a little coffee shop called Stuck At Home frequented by old people. To top off this radical list of fantastic places (I think using the vernacular popular during the 18th century would fit more here than the more modern slang) there was an Aeronautics museum down the street, because who can say no to planes? (I enjoyed reading about his neighborhood. I think adding bits about the people who live there or the people who own/frequent the locations would really make it pop) (new paragraph)Today was Morgan's first day as a detective (I thought he is a detective already? I'm not sure what's going on now) and he wasn't (delete even) sure what detectives wore. He decided to wear some old trousers and suspenders. Looking himself over in the mirror he looked like one of the faded brown newspapers that appeared on his doorstep everyday, or even the newsy who delivered it. This wouldn't do, if he was going to be a top notch detective he would need something that (delete just) screamed detective. Clearly what was due in this situation was a jacket. After putting on the jacket, Morgan looked much more like a university professor than any common news boy. (what kind of jacket did he put on?)

Overall, I think you have a good feel for descriptions. I think by refining them a bit more, you can really make your writing pop with visuals. I also liked how he tripped in the beginning of the story. So cute! Just work on clarifying your grammar and sentence structure.
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
Nicely done. As a character I like Morgans humble nature, I thought that you utilized that to your advantage and I'm interested to see how that will work as the story progresses and he actual becomes a detective. He seems rather whimsical to me, I hope the job doesn't end up getting to him.

My critique for this chapter is simply that it is very short. Ideally id like to see you stretch it out and work on the detail. I especially found the beginning this way. Keep up the good work.

Much love
Juliet.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 3/12/2013
I think if you cut down on the telling and put some more showing in the beginning it'll make your beginning more engaging. Everything is listed out almost like a... well, a list. Feels like a shopping list and it's very impersonal. You can easily filter Morgan's present occupation and the other details of when he joined into the story itself so it doesn't feel so much like an info-dump.

This also feels rather short for a first chapter. Just as there's some interaction between Morgan and Mary, the chapter ends. I suggest maybe carrying through with this scene before you cut it off, because right now it seems to end out of nowhere and it left me unsatisfied.

I really like how Morgan compares himself to a faded newspaper. I think that's a vivid image and it's really unique.
The Quiller chapter 1 . 3/12/2013
As of my very first impression, I really like your character of Morgan. He seems so ridiculously optimistic and upbeat that it's hard not to grin as you read through his thoughts. It's very endearing how he makes all these fantastic claims about himself, only to tack on a qualifier that renders the fantastic claim true, but not all that fantastic - my favorite, personally, was the claim that we was most definitely among the Top Five when there are only five detectives employed. Something tells me that reading all the hijinks that Morgan is about to get himself into is going to prove incredibly entertaining, whether you decide to make this story hilarious or a deconstructive. In any case, your main character is definitely a good start.

The pacing is quite well done too. I feel like we've already been introduced to the setting and our core characters right off the bat. I'm assuming the new girl is going to be Morgan's love interest, and I found it hilariously in-character that Morgan fell and fell hard the moment he saw her. The tone of the story was also lighthearted with just to right touch of satire to make me grin as I read through it.

On the flip side, you might want to break up your very first paragraph, because it seemed a bit like a wall of text. Starting a new paragraph at 'Today was Morgan's first day as a detective...' might work for that, though it's your call whether or not the break is needed. Also, keep an eye on your grammar and punctuation - you're missing a few commas here and there. It's no big deal, but the commas would make the story flow even better.

Other than that, seems like you're off the a great start, and I'll be keeping an eye on this one for updates!
Ayar chapter 1 . 3/11/2013
I liked a lot of your descriptions, especially the line "he looked like one of the faded brown newspapers that appeared on his doorstep everyday, or even the newsy who delivered it." The way you use them in the first paragraph lets us get a feel for Morgan, who seems to think of himself as very important even if that's not actually the case. However, I didn't like the flow of the story because it tough to read. You should work on touching up the grammar and punctuation, and there are a few other mistakes. When you say "Actually, that was the date of day and Morgan had become a detective yesterday" do you mean it was today's date? There's also some switching of tenses from past to present, sometimes even in the middle of sentence such as "There was a library across the street that even has a bike rack." Maybe spread out the beginning of the story a bit, slow it down a bit, and once you fix that and some of the other errors it will flow much better.
professional griefer chapter 1 . 2/10/2013
I think the first paragraph needs to be broken up a lot more, it's far too long and kind of hard to read.
Okay, as a first chapter, I'm not sure how well this works. There's no real action happening, and nothing to really hold attention. I'm not too sure I'd want to read the next chapter if it came. You need to hook the reader, and there really isn't much in this to do that.
Also, in your dialogue, you need more commas. The sentences just seem like run-ons, and even if you were trying to convey the way they were speaking, commas would still work.
I think this could definitely use some editing. You might have something epic with work.
UnderpreparedOverwhelmed chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
I think Fenimore said most of the things I wanted to say, but I will say that maybe Mary could use a bit more description. I mean I do think that what you have is fine, but that you could be much improved and help the reader feel the same emotions that Morgan feels. The setting is a big thing for me, as well, I think fleshing out the wheres might help a whole lot. Either way, I'll be watching this story for whatever happens!
Silver75 chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
About time you actually wrote something! But why oh why is it so short? I guess that could increase the number of people who read it but seriously, I think it would serve you better if this was just a tad bit longer. At least one page at least.
As for the story, I think Morgan is somewhat of a weirdo, I mean who shivers when girls touch them? I understand if you think that this makes him quirky, and I guess it does make him memorable. In the edit though I suggest that you add some sense of setting. This is the 19th century, which means it's like the Gilded Age right? You should probably choose some historical landmarks so people know just what's happening.
Chosenbyfaith chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
this is super cute! I'm excited to see where you go with this. It's fresh and comical and completely adorable. I feel like I know Morgan already, very endearing.