|Reviews for ENDZ|
| windninja1000 chapter 1 . 3/4/2013
This fic is pretty good everything with it is good except that there was some misspelling. Sorry it took me so long to read this, I was working on my project, then we got some new games & then I ended up with the flu & stuck in bed. But now I'm better, & I loved this fic & can't wait till the next chapter! :D
| unconscious willpower chapter 1 . 2/12/2013
Hey, reviewing your post for a forum- Labyrinth.
These are only suggestions.
Your first paragraph is really choppy with periods interrupting ideas, you could sew them together with conjunctions, such as
"A cloud of black-death hung over the burning kingdom. The smoke blackened out the sky." could be re-written as: A cloud of black-death hung over the burning kingdom and blackened out the sky.
Another is "A river of blood so dark and red painted the cobblestone streets. The screams filled the air as the survivors were hunted down."
This could be: A river of blood ran so dark and red that it painted the cobblestone streets, while the survivor's screams filled the air as they were hunted down.
"Turning her body slightly" in the fifth paragraph is an introductory phrase and should have a comma after it.
There should be an "a" in front of warm.
"It walked on four massive legs. Its shape resembled that of some kind of goat demon and its body excluded wisps of shadowy smoke"
Might be: It walked on four massive legs that made its shape resemble some kind of goat demon with its body excluding wisps of shadowy smoke." Also excluding should be exuding.
"Somehow it sensed her presence as it turned to look directly at her." You could either put a comma after somehow or combine this sentence with the next.
She would not scream or cry (not that she had the strength to do so anymore). She wouldn't give the monster the satisfaction. The beast then opened its jaw and made to chomp on her.
You can replace the parentheses with commas and combine the first two sentences, possibly all three.
She would not scream or cry, not that she had the strength to do so anymore, she wouldn't give the monster the satisfaction of hearing her plead.
You require a comma after instantly.
If she hadn't been on the floor dying she might have shown just how shocked and amazed at how easy the old man made it look to simply punch a huge monster across the road.
Add a comma after dying and "she was" after "amazed"
Add it before "it's food". To read: Deny it its food.
The next sentence is jumbled together, perhaps it could read:Charging the man, the beast lunged at him; it made to bite his head off.
"But the old man stood his ground; from where she was laying she could see a smirk grow on his face, as if the beast had done exactly what he wanted it to do."
Turn the semi colon to a comma and laying should be lying. I would change "had done exactly what he wanted it to do." into "had fallen into his trap"
In the next sentence, a comma is needed between blue and ghostly, and "seemed to" is unnecessary.
"He waited until the beast was right above him before he jumped from the ground. His body launched off from its place on the ground with more force than what a normal old man should have been able to produce."
Could be written as: He waited until the beast was right above him before he jumped from the ground, his body launched from the ground with more force than normal old man should have been able to produce.
A comma would help clarify how to correctly read "Return to the void shadow beast." It's confusing.
"The attack seemed to carry its momentum as it knocked the creature back. Black ichor spilled out from the wound as the monster screamed in pain." You can combine these two sentences with and.
This sentence needs a comma after around.
"Turning around the man rushed to her side. He kneeled down next to her and examined her wounds." You could use comma's to create: Turning around, the man rushed to her side, knelt down next to her, and examined her wounds.
In the next sentence you need a comma before "but".
"To her" is unnecessary.
"Not minding" could be ignoring.
I have been searching around this place for survivors but it seems I was too late to save anyone," He said to her in a grim voice. "I am very sorry." He said sincerely.
You could connect "I am very sorry" as the last sentence in the man's speech and end the paragraph with "He said sincerely in a grim voice" or He said grimly in a sincere voice. It sounds like you tried to end the speech twice otherwise.
"Everything felt was so cold" could be added to the next sentence with an and.
"It just wasn't fair though. That she would die here never being able to grow up and experience life."
You might put "though" in commas and connect the sentences. Also, a comma is needed after here.
"It just wasn't fair, though, that she would die here, never being able to grow up and experience life."
"She looked him right into his tired, brown eyes with her big purple ones."
Take out "him" or change "into" to "in". You need a comma between big and purple.
The next sentence should be added by a comma to this one. It is incomplete.
"Still looking into his eyes she simply rasped out in her soft, meek voice. "Please…"."
A comma is needed after eyes.
"The man said nothing as he looked into her eyes. Staring into them as if he was looking for something, when it seemed that he had found what he was looking for he nodded to himself, his decision made."
Could be: The man said nothing as he looked into her eyes, staring into them as if he was looking for something. When it seemed that he had found what he was looking for, he nodded to himself; his decision was made.
In the next sentence no comma is needed after normally. A comma is needed after town.
"He gripped her head with his right hand and lifted her up slightly" You can end this sentence here.
A comma is needed between blue and ethereal.
A comma should be after Ender.
A comma between head and the man.
Okay, I like the premise of this story and it grabs my attention. I enjoy the way we jump into teh slaughter of a village a the beginning. I plan to read more of this, so please post more!
"he then positioned his left hand into the air into a knife like gesture,"
You might put a comma in between "air" and "into".
| HybridStories31 chapter 1 . 2/11/2013
"so dark and red painted the cobblestone streets." Maybe try adding the color that the blood painted the cobblestone streets after. Like "painted the cobblestone streets (insert color description here)"
" The screams filled the air as the survivors were hunted down." Try "The screams of the survivors" or "Screams filled the air" as the beginning of this sentence. Maybe describe the screams, ex) gut-wrenching, terrible, pain-filled.
"darkness of hearts. " darkest of hearts?
" She had been crawling through the dead in a futile attempt to find her mother. She had been crawling for what seemed like hours and so far she had yet to find any sign of her mother." Try combining these sentences they seem a bit repetitive.
" she was so scared of dying. " Remove 'she was'. You already established that it was her you were talking about in the first part of this sentence. 'so scared of dying' is all that is need to put the emphasis you want on it.
"faint whisper" What about 'whimper'? It's more descriptive.
"It was then that she " How about 'As if in response she...'
" growling coming from behind her" 'coming from' isn't necessary. Just 'growling behind her' works.
"goat demon" In the sentence before you said that the shadow was hulking? Goats themselves aren't hulking. Maybe 'like an swollen goat demon' or some other word to indicate that the goat shape was enlarged.
" Somehow it sensed her presence as it turned to look directly at her." Flip the sentence. Start with "It turned..." and end with "sensed her presence." Remove directly. It's already implied that he would be looking directly at her when you said he turned to look at her.
" her some more. " Remove 'some more'.
" She collapsed to the floor " Ground? Isn't she outside?
"She stared directly into the abyss that was its eye sockets, seeming to not have eyes but just and endless expanse of white." Needs work. Try playing with it some more, doesn't really flow. Remove directly and just. They aren't necessary here and detract from the word flow.
" to do so anymore)." Remove 'do so'. 'Anymore' is optional. The statement would with or with out it.
"The beast then opened" Remove 'then'.
" an elderly man punch it away from her." Change 'punch' to punched.
" If she hadn't been on the floor dying" Ground? Still outside, right?
" If she hadn't been on the floor dying she might have shown just how shocked and amazed at how easy the old man made it look to simply punch a huge monster across the road." Rework this sentence. It seems kind of sloppy. Try "...she might have been able to show how shocked and amazed she was at..."
Is there something special about this old man? Because it isn't realistic that he could knock the monster all the way across the road with just one punch. If your saving that information for later, maybe you could just in something about how it didn't seem possible that he could achieve such a feet. That way people understand that there is probably something different about the old man.
"Stumbling to get up from the surprisingly hard blow," Try "The monster stumbled to get up..." or "The monster stumbled while he tried to get up..." And then say how he recovered and stood. Maybe this would be better "The monster stood after having to recover from the blow" or something like that.
" launched off from its place on the ground " Try removing 'from its place on'.
""Return to the void shadow beast!" the man shouted as he met the beast mid-air, shoving his right hand straight into its chest. The attack seemed to carry its momentum as it knocked the creature back. Black ichor spilled out from the wound as the monster screamed in pain. Light exploded from the wound and the beast dissolved into particles of black and white flakes. Whatever the man had done to it had seemed to have killed it." When did he land?
" down next to her and examined her wounds" Remove 'next to her'. It's already inferred that he would kneel down beside to examine her wounds.
"He said to her" Try He told her, or He informed her.
"I'm sorry to tell you this; it is very likely that you are going to die. I have been searching around this place for survivors but it seems I was too late to save anyone," He said to her in a grim voice. "I am very sorry." He said sincerely. Doesn't seem very natural. Try reworking what he said. Call a friend or talk out loud to yourself if you can't get the words right. Try "I'm sorry, but you're probably going to die." And explain why. Are the gashing to deep? Are they infected? Are they irreparable? Remember in most dialogue you want short and sweet, unless your character is long winded or supposed to be extremely formal.
" It just wasn't fair though." Remove 'just'. "It wasn't fair, though!" Sounds better or "It just wasn't fair!" Would be good too. But together it sounds kind of passive.
" It just wasn't fair though. That she would die here never being able to grow up and experience life." If your going to use that combine it with the previous sentence. Otherwise you could remove 'that' or say "It wasn't fair that she would die..." Keeping the previous sentence. Like with the "She was so scared; so scared of dying." it puts emphasis in the unfairness of her situation.
"She looked him right into his tired, brown eyes with her big purple ones. " Remove 'him' and 'with her big purple ones'. If you want to keep her eye description then rewrite the sentence. Like "Her big purple eyes met his tired, brown ones."
"She was so scared right now." Remove 'right now'
"Still looking into his eyes she simply rasped out in her soft, meek voice" Remove simply or rework the sentence so that your making the word she's saying simple not the action of her saying the word, because that doesn't work with the effort she has to put into saying it. Like "...she rasped out one simple word in her soft..."
"Staring into them as if he was looking for something," Try condensing that down to just 'Searching them for something,"
"when it seemed that he had found what he was looking for he nodded to himself, his decision made." Try to reword this sentence. Like "He nodded to himself when he came to a decision."
"Normally, I would never do this, but seeing that you are the last survivor of this town I suppose I can make an exception." Not natural. Try something like "Normally, I wouldn't do this. But I think this calls for an exception." Or maybe just the first part and then just explain what he does.
"Since you're going to die anyway, this may be your only chance for survival. Be warned though, if you do survive the right of the Ender you will never live a normal life ever again. Are you sure that death is not a preferable option?" Not natural. Remove 'since you're going to die anyway,' that's already obvious. Remove 'be warned though' it doesn't really fit with the rest of the sentence. Try 'This may be you only chance for survival, but if you do survive..." Then explain what the right of Ender means because unless it's common knowledge it really should be explained. Even if it is common knowledge, you should explain with their thoughts what means because we don't know.
" With a slight nod of her head the man cleared away his doubts." Reword the last part of the sentence. It doesn't flow. Try either "A slight nod... cleared the man's doubts." or "With a slight nod...the man's doubts cleared." You don't need away because that's what cleared means.
"I'm sorry for this." He said before plunging his glowing hand right into her chest cavity. Move 'he said' to before he said "I'm sorry for this" Like "He said, 'I'm sorry,' and..." You don't need 'for this'.
"She reached for her salvation and grasped the hand" Try "Reaching for her salvation, she grasped the hand."
"Her eyes snapped open as the nightmare ended." Remove 'as the nightmare ended."
" the haze of her mind dissipated." Reword this. It sounds like her mind WAS the haze and was DISAPPEARING. Try 'haze around' or 'haze in'.
"she was of aware of was the sounds" Remove the first 'of'.
"She could feel that she was laying on something soft with something warm was on top of her; it must have been a bed and blanket" Doesn't really work. Try and see if you can come up with a different wording.
" She now could smell the delicious scent of food wafting from somewhere and her stomach growled in response." Remove 'now'.
"She was confused as to where she was until the events of her past memories rushed into her head." Needs to be reworded.
"emotional reaction to the horrible event that had happened" Remove 'that had happened'. We know it already happened.
"instead of the sharp feeling of what they used to be." Remove this, it's already explained when you say 'dulled'.
"Deciding that she better investigate what was going on she opened her eyes and let her eyes adjust to the light of the room she was in. Blinking a few times she got used to the light and stared up at the wooden ceiling above her." Remove 'and let her...she was in' and combine the rest of the sentence with the next one. Like "Deciding that she should investigate where she was at, she opened her eyes, blinking a few times to get used to the light."
" but she lacked the strength to. " Just say she didn't have the strength. "but didn't have the strength to."
" Choosing to instead just turn her head she examined the room" Move instead to after 'turn her head' and remove 'just'.
" it was pretty small with sparse furniture except for another bed and a dresser" A small room with two beds and dressers isn't sparse in the furniture department. Say something like 'with bare walls and no personalization' instead.
"Her chest seemed to throb in response as she remembered the old man stab his hand right into her." Doesn't flow right. Try rewording the last part of the sentence.
"It had hurt badly; the pain had caused her to black out almost immediately." Combine into one sentence. Like "It hurt so bad she nearly blacked out."
" and l
| ellienor.xx chapter 1 . 2/10/2013
Wow...This was amazing! No, seriously it's awesome! Is it weird that this sort of reminds me of Kingdom Hearts? Well, that is if you know about it.
XD I like the plot so far and hope you continue!