|Reviews for The Ripper Cases|
| 9816 chapter 1 . 3/14/2013
Very interesting :) Post more!
I have a few tips and suggestions (It's only constructive criticism):
I think you should mention the eye color differently, perhaps they gaze at their blue eye, then their green eye, in the reflection of something? ... I don't know.
The youngest, only four, clings to the oldest hand. Her curly redish brown hair stopping at her shoulders. Oldest's hand. reddish brown hair stopped.
I cover my face with the thin sheets. I groan as I hear footsteps get closer and I sit up on my bed. I get up just as the person knocks on my door. I open it a little and face the captain of the ship. perhaps a bit of variety?
| AlysonSerenaStone chapter 3 . 3/14/2013
You're over explaining things. We all tend to do this. I really don't have an answer to solve this problem. However, I do have to say you do improve on this with each chapter. There is a really good story line here, but you need to work on it a bit. In the first chapter, the diction does not fit the time era. It kind of throws the story off a bit. I think you need to do a little research bit more on this era. You do a really good job at staying in the present tense though. So many authors, myself included, tend to switch back and forth.
Overall, great start! I would keep going if this was my story.
| ShiftyObserver chapter 1 . 3/8/2013
I'm commenting as I read section by section, so please don't heed my broadening understanding of the first chapter:
-Your first paragraph alone has put me as a reader off, and here is why. In the period that you are examining, the diction tends to be of a more flowery sort. Go to , find the Words of the Day, read Jane Austen and H.P. Lovecraft and classical English literature to develop this style. To add to this, you have unwittingly reached one of my pet peeves—you have used first person and described your character. How does your character know what she's wearing, how she looks at that precise moment? How she looks should not matter. Allow the reader the room to imagine your main character.
-The diction is much better during the letter. "T'morrow" and "shan't" are slightly irksome to look at, but you have fared better in this portion. You capture a character in this paragraph, though "dreadful" and "dreary" ought not to be in the same sentence for the sake of the way it sounds: Overkill.
-As I scrolled down to the review box, I found two instances of "Oh…" When you construct sentences like these, add a comma after the "Oh."
-Don't tell the reader about what vampires can do, don't explain yourself. You don't have to justify ANYTHING to us. To keep a reader reading, you need to withhold details. Readers are curious. We want to know everything, but not all at once. Show us, don't tell us.
-You've created a character here. She's interesting, but she's a little tired as a character. What I mean is that she's a little on the Mary Sue side. What you can do to remedy this is find someone, ANYONE, a fictional character, a person you know, who resembles your character. Combine them. Watch them closely. Figure out what irritates you about them, what you admire in them, what they're good at, what they're not so good at, and use all of these things to create a character that we can love…or hate, if that's what you want to do. Either way, don't make a character so detached from her surroundings. Speaking of which, you need to research to write this time period well. Don't be afraid to ask questions about it! Google's plenty willing to help.
Last, but not least, I believe that this story has serious potential. The plot seems very interesting, it's just that its delivery needs a little touching up. You have characters with rapports, a little research evident here, and you clearly have a direction for the story. I hope I've been of good service to you, and good writing to you! If you feel I have been unfair, please tell me, because I'm not trying to hurt you. I want to see you become a better writer, and I honestly believe that if given room to grow, this story could truly flourish. Also, if you want to write really good vampire fiction, read Anne Rice. If you want a guilty vamp, go for "Interview with the Vampire." If you want a ruthless and often humorous and profound vamp, go for "the Vampire Lestat."
| Ophelia Schmit chapter 3 . 3/3/2013
Yes, you wrote another chapter! You freaking continue these! Love this!
| Felrain chapter 1 . 2/27/2013
The concept of this story is high interesting and captured my attention. I did not manage to catch any mistakes but I did notice a sentence I found strange;
'I face a taller gentleman with light hair, a pale blonde, and pale blue eyes.' I feel like it would flow better if you changed it to 'I come to face a tall pale blonde man with equally pale blue eyes.' That is merely in my opinion, but either way the story was good and I do plan on reading more.
| twistedromance3 chapter 2 . 2/26/2013
Your characters are very original and the story line is really great! Your word choice and descriptions are well done and your tone is consistent throughout the entire story so far. It's a captivating story you have here, the pace of it is also good. I was interested and brought into the story from the very start. And did I mention that the characters you created are awesome?
| CurlyBookWorm1994 chapter 2 . 2/24/2013
pretty good storyline so far i really like the story. and i do not notice any grammar issues. so keep up the good work and update soon. and thank you for reviewing my short story called Hunger. Have a nice day!
| Ophelia Schmit chapter 2 . 2/19/2013
When you get to know me, which you have, you know I hate vampires. Mermaids and wizards, really. But I actually like this. And you got the British currency right, those shillings! Plus, that cliffhanger isn't an obvious or really stupid one, it's in the right place to keep the reader interested.
P.S. I doubt any woman's been killed by a corset before.
| Ophelia Schmit chapter 1 . 2/16/2013
Is this going to include Jack the Ripper in it? Oh, God, I can't refrain from saying it...CORSET SCENE!
Sorry, I'm rather rude...and WAY too obsessed with Black Butler.
This is perfect for a beginning, and congratulations on this being your first story! Welcome to Fiction Press! And I'm sure you have someone reading this: you've got me to the very least.