|Reviews for Dreamer (Archived)|
| AnonymousHeartOfPoems34 chapter 15 . 5/22/2014
This story is so far awesome.
| AnonymousHeartOfPoems34 chapter 1 . 5/22/2014
So far this seems pretty good.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 6 . 1/11/2014
Any tension you may have wanted with the last line is lost in the fast pacing. Like I said before, adding in more description, something more solid would help ground this. Especially in terms of place and time. At the moment, nothing really seems different from our world, and if you want to establish that this is in the future, you really need to show that. Dialogue still feels off, unnatural. She heads straight for the guidance office, so why is she asked how things are at the school? She hasn’t had any chance to form an opinion, really. And the reply (I…guess?) doesn’t fit. You could really build a lot on this, really add a lot to it to make us feel for the characters. Slow it down a little, add some touches in and expand on the emotions, and it could be really effective. Good luck.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 5 . 8/27/2013
Pacing is a little fast, and adding in more description would really help with that. You may want to add in some other things to help with the time of the piece, too. At the moment, nothing really feels different from our present day. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, but just small things here and there; entertainment, maybe, or even their surroundings. Are older buildings in disarray? Or repaired, looked after? Give us a stronger sense of where they are and when they are, and it could really add a lot to the story.
I would also suggest sticking to past tense. Present is very hard to pull off, and if you stick to past you’re less likely to slip between the two. Build on the characters, too, on their reactions and emotions. Five chapters in and I don’t really feel for them, don’t really know them. The dialogue flow is a bit…off, as they go from talking about the end of the world to something totally normal within a few seconds. It’s fine to have a change of topic, but the change itself is very sudden. Good luck, and hope this helps.
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 7 . 7/3/2013
Well, the chapters are too short and some of the presentation is in centered mode for no apparent reason.
This: "He mentions someone named Reinhardt," I explain.
"I assume it's his higher up or whatever."
"Have you tried looking up any information on this...Reinhardt?"
I think, and I already know the answer, but I don't know why I hadn't.
"No, I haven't."
Sarah stands up.
"Well, c'mon, let's do some research then."
"Sarah, you don't have to come along."
She turns around. -would be less confusing if all the actions AND all the speech of the characters were in one paragraph: "He mentions someone named Reinhardt," I explain. "I assume it's his higher up or whatever."
"Have you tried looking up any information on this...Reinhardt?"
I think, and I already know the answer, but I don't know why I hadn't. "No, I haven't."
Sarah stands up. "Well, c'mon, let's do some research then."
"Sarah, you don't have to come along."
She turns around. -and so forth throughout the text.
This is an interesting concept with intriguing characters.
| Clear World chapter 9 . 5/31/2013
All this religious themes is not my taste. If it wasn't for that one thing, I would so have enjoyed all the twist and reveals.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 4 . 5/12/2013
You may want to check out the formatting for this chapter. Having it all centred makes it a bit difficult to read, especially on screen. I feel like the chapter itself is too short; it could do with some padding out, and like I said before, things feel like they’re moving too quickly. Nothing really seems to happen here, so maybe add it onto the next chapter or add in some more. [Somebody else knows about that number?!] Having ?! sometimes looks tacky, I’d suggest just sticking with one punctuation mark. (Here, a question mark would work fine on its own.) [Just then, I hear my door slam open.] One tip when editing is to see where sentences have too many words; I noticed a few times you tend to use ‘then’ when it’s not needed. With that sentence, you could scrap the ‘just then’. [I stand up and check my phone, it's five-thirty.] I feel like this could be two sentences, and you don’t need the ‘it’s’. Again, it’s redundant. [It's now half past eight.] Again, you don’t need most of this. I’d suggest cutting out the ‘it’s now’ part. As always, hope this helps.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 4/21/2013
I still feel like things are moving too fast. It jumps around very quickly. And we're three chapters in but you've only just hinted that this isn't the present. Maybe add some more hints in regarding that in previous chapters. Any other advances except the Digitech? Flesh out the world a bit more. Again, that might help with the pacing. And the guy's shop is open at around 4 in the morning? Even 5 is a bit early for a corner shop to be open. I just think you could slow this down a bit so the reader can get a stronger grip on the characters and what's happening with them. Maybe pad out the chapters, so there's more to them. (And the last line...not sure if it's a formatting error or that's actually how it's supposed to appear, but it's pretty confusing. May want to look over that.)
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 4/14/2013
I feel like what happens in this chapter happens very fast. Why does she approach him out of nowhere? They both seem too at ease with each other, too soon. And most people see art as a very personal thing; it's strange that she shows him her pictures straight away. I think you could slow it down a bit by adding in some descriptions, reactions and thoughts. Pad it out, add something to these characters. At the moment, it's very dialogue heavy, which I think adds to the speed of it. Slow down a little; allow the reader a chance to get to know your characters, to get to really see them. Good luck.
| Clear World chapter 6 . 3/21/2013
Dreams connected, the end of the world? Where is this story heading
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 3/10/2013
I don't feel that this is as gripping as it could be; some of the sentences could flow better, and you do a lot of telling, rather than showing. Building up the scenes more, creating more of an atmosphere, would really help with that. The sense of mystery could be built up more, too; maybe have the dream playing on his mind more. Make it a bit longer so the reader has time to really connect to the characters what what's going on.
Try not to use 'I' so much; especially in the first paragraph. It makes it feel repetitive.
[She then pulls the trigger] A lot of the time, 'then' is a redundant word. Try cutting it out where you can. As a general rule of thumb, when you re-read sentences, try dropping certain words and seeing if the sentence still makes sense. If it does, you don't need that word.
I think you could build up on the character's thoughts and feelings, too. Especially as this is the introduction to him. Everything moves a bit too fast, so spending some time on introducing the character more to the reader - via what he thinks, feels, any habits he may have - will make it longer and make the reader care about him.
Just a few suggestions, hope it helps.
| Clear World chapter 2 . 3/3/2013
The writing is already better than mine, so that's a huge boost in my interest, but something that made me just wonder why you wrote it like this:
*My father then gets up out of his chair, and slaps me across the face, hard. I stumble back and almost fall to the ground.*
That line seems so oddly used when a few lines next it says, 'he hasn't hit me in years'. Seems awkward considering I don't know the father at all so my first impression was his father is more physical towards his son, but then to read another line that goes against it so quickly within the father's first scene is just, 'what is father like then and why didn't i get to see this father then?'.
And something I'm glad to see, the story already gets it first hook with the girl appearing so early. And also, I actually like the main character. I like a character who sees the beauty in life. Ahhh, it's a nice little feature that I can use to like the character.
At the beginning of chapter 2, you should remove out the words 'and sees me' because it contradict the few next words you write afterwards.
The quick trust between Sarah and John seems so.. quick. Sarah has like no reason to show John the picture book, but yet does out of the blue, but I'm assuming this might be explained a bit in the nearby future. Granted that the writing is extremely swift and straight to the point, the exchange between Jon and Sarah is rather meh and left me with a lot of disappointment.
Overall, the setup seems to be building a rather mystery that leaves many questions that I see can hook a reader, so that's a plus. I hope I found a gem and the ride towards the end is a magical one. :3
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 10 . 2/23/2013
Wow... The story took a crazy turn these last five chapters. I'm a little lost and confused now. I feel like it took a totally different turn than it did at the start, but it's still good. Same things as I said in the last reviews, for the good and bad! I did notice on the deal with Valhart, he couldn't declare himself dictator exactly. The president can't do anything without the other branches approving, so...
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 5 . 2/23/2013
I'm still just as hooked as I was in chapter one. These chapters still seem remarkably short to me, a little bit like they lack information or detail. I don't really get an image of anything in my head when I read. Another little thing that irks me is that this story is supposed to take place in 2031, correct? I would figure the names would be a little bit more out there, because it is the future.
I still am totally hooked on the story. I think you have an amazing skill, the pacing is wonderful. I couldn't find any grammar errors. Keep it up! I'll review again once I've caught up on chapter 10.
| A. Nonymous1234 chapter 1 . 2/23/2013
Whoa. The start was pretty nuts. It sucked me in right away, that's for sure! I was a little disappointing when we woke up so fast, I was hoping to read a little more in on this insane vision of his. For a first chapter I felt like this was just a little on the short side, but it isn't that bad. I think this plot setup is going to be very, very good. The summary was one of the best summaries I've ever read, no joke. I'm off to keep reading!