|Reviews for Ashley morgan english essay|
| wanderjahr chapter 1 . 2/28/2013
Interesting take on social media. I like the direction of your essay. I personally don't like (or have) Facebook. I feel like the tendency is too strong for some to artificially curate a life for themselves that in no way resembles real life. I wonder what social media will be like 10 years from now and beyond...
| Tia-HBS chapter 1 . 2/28/2013
Your essay had some very good points and you presented your facts well.
However, I feel you need to work on sentence structure, paragraph flow, and double check your work
for grammar errors. The contents of your paragraph should flow together, one sentence should lead into the next. I found that you tend to cram all the facts you found on your topic sentence into the one paragraph, instead you should pick one or two strong points (facts) and elaborate on them. Good Job. Keep it up.
| Petra Arkanian chapter 1 . 2/27/2013
Interesting essay. Social media is getting to be a very controversial topic on this site - which seems ironic to me, given that FictionPress is a form of social media. But we can say it's more constructive than, for example, Facebook. Anyway! That was a tangent. A couple of tips:
There are a few places where you use the wrong kind of their/there/they're. I'd read back through and check for those. You also have a few oddities with periods, spaces, quotation marks, and citations. "MLA format for citations is a bit weird" (Arkanian 9000). That would be an example of a well-formatted quote. Also, Facebook is one word, and I'd suggest capitalizing the names of sites like Facebook, Twitter, etc.
Brava on the hook at the beginning. I had to do a double-take on that one. However, I think you could tie it in a little better to your intro. It seems like it's out there ONLY for the shock factor. Also, I think your "once a day" stat could be a little more jarring. You could even poll your friends and see how often they check Facebook - you'll probably get some more interesting results, and it will feel closer to home.
Avoid using "I think" in a persuasive essay. I saw one "I think," though I don't remember where. Technically, you're not supposed to "break the fourth wall," as they say, and use the term "you" referring to the reader. It's not considered formal language. Don't ask me why. Haha.
Structure-wise, it was a little jolting to read those first couple paragraphs about why social media is bad, then one about why it's good, and then another about why it's bad. I'd put the "why it's good" paragraph last, then make your conclusion a little bit longer and say something along the lines of, "Despite its few benefits, social media is not a healthy aspect of our society."
It is a good thought, though, to include some of the other side of the argument in your essay. It shows a well-rounded argument. To add more strength to its presence, I'd suggest adding an editorial explaining why these benefits of social media don't outweigh the costs, or how we could substitute something else in place of social media to fill the need you mentioned.
I got a little confused in the last paragraph before the conclusion. I feel like it was more disjointed than your previous ones, which were pretty clean and well put-together. Maybe explain your claims a little bit more, and tie them together. If you feel like you have too much going on, you can always split it up into 2 paragraphs!
Your conclusion is... short. Haha. Typically a conclusion will include some kind of call to action - "Now that you've read this, you must go take an ax to your computer!" Definitely not that call to action, but you get the idea. It helps the reader relate it back to himself and be like, "Oh, yeah! I forgot this relates directly to me!" It makes your essay feel more relevant and personal, which is always a good thing. Also, the last sentence is a little out of place, at least without any explanation.
Hope this hasn't overwhelmed you! Best wishes in all future writing endeavors! :)