Reviews for The Hunt
crywolf-girl23 chapter 1 . 3/25/2013
I liked the story so far (after reading all the chapters), but there are many things that bother me.

First of all the sentences look stiff, with all these 'and's. For example 'She jumped and looked at her door and saw her mother'. Another way you could have written would be 'She jumped and looked at her door, to see her mother'. Another example 'She jumped and turned around and standing there right in front of her was the annoying idiot from school, Eric'. Again, too many 'and's. A variation would be 'She jumped and turned around. Standing there was the annoying idiot from school, Eric' or 'Standing there, right in front of her, was the annoyning idiot from school, Eric'. There is no need prolonging your sentences more than it's necessary.

Second, although I liked the dialogue as it is, the way the characters behave sometimes, comes a little weird. Even hotheaded characters don't snap as quickly as Asira or Mattie do (In the latter's case-about the party-, I didn't understand why in the first place). Also it would be more appealing to hear Asira's opinions through her own thoughts. Describing them in third person sounds a little off (That doesn't mean you have to do it all the time. Maybe when you describe how she perceives places or other characters?).

While ending this I would like to mention that there are a few typos along the text and also about the 'we' in the parts where Asira is among a group. 'They' occurs in third person and 'we' in the first person point of view, making 'they' more suitable to put there.

I'm sorry if this is offending you in any way. It wasn't my intention.