Reviews for Downfall
Whirlymerle chapter 3 . 3/9/2014
Okay, saw that I could pick anything to review from your RH post, I think I’m gonna stick with the story I’ve made some headway into!

I like the sarcasm (if I’m interpreting currently) in Connor’s tone when he’s telling about the drastically exciting act of checking Facebook. You played up the boredom really well.

I also like your description of Connor’s whole act of preparing himself with the shower/dressing/deodorant routine to impress Anna. I thought your attention to detail made it feel very realistic.

I didn’t quite like how you ended on Connor’s note about being in love. I think it’s a bit too fast. I suppose I could buy it, regardless, but in the “date” scene, the narration just talks about the exploration they did, and to make Anna feel more realistic/relatable, I think some dialogue between them would have fortified the case of Connor’s newfound love. I did like the chapter as a whole. I think it was peaceful and there was some nice character building going on for Connor.
Sombrette chapter 3 . 12/20/2013
Hello, here to return your review :)

So, it's been a while since I've read this but for the most part I recall what's happened in the previous chapters - the introduction of Anna and how quickly Connor was taken by her.

I thought the beginning was funny, with Connor having to pull back a little in his enthusiasm to see her so he doesn't seem over eager. I think these little things are characterizing him well, and makes it easy to get an idea of his personality. I also thought the descriptions of this abandoned place was well done too. I felt like I could picture their little adventure pretty well.

I still think it's interesting how quickly he's getting into Anna, and also vice versa. They're still pretty much strangers and already they're holding hands and kissing. I can tell that the purpose of this chapter is to focus on their budding relationship and to show how Connor is being pulled to her, which, is nice. But even after this chapter, I feel like I don't really know Anna. So, I don't really know what it is about her that has Connor's attention. Since this chapter seems to be for character development, maybe you could focus more on them? Maybe more dialogue between them, or more observation of Anna. Because for the most part, it's just narrating the journey through the building, and to me not very important to the plot whereas Connor and Anna are.

But, that's my only critique. I still enjoyed the chapter and the description was also very fitting. Nice!
carlalegre chapter 1 . 12/17/2013
I'm glad to read a story on a specific topic where the author actually KNOWS what they're talking about. Whether you did the research or know so much about rights, both on the internet and human, good job. I've seen it done multiple times where someone tries to write about something they know nothing -or very little- of and it completely fails because it's not honest.
I really like the concept for this. It's modern and relatable. Your writing is clean and structured well. Great prologue, as well. You definitely provided the information we needed without it seeming as an "info-bomb". I'll check out the first chapter as well :)
A. Nonymous1234 chapter 6 . 8/7/2013
"Again I considered going home. But I didn't." I remember once hearing somewhere you never wanted to start a sentence with but or because. It's just a personal preference, but I think it would have flowed better with removal of the period.

Conner is still just pretty much the same guy. He is growing more curious, which is good, but otherwise I don't really see any big character development yet. Then again, it is early in the story, but we did have a large time jump...

Another good chapter, left the reader wanting more at the end. My only complaint really is the seeming insignificance of the riots. They're spread out, and well, not that violent. This is again just my opinion, but if someone was going to censor the internet you'd piss off pretty much everyone who uses it, and things would get very, very violent. Then again, it was described as a march more so than a riot, so I can't really object.

-From the Roadhouse
Sombrette chapter 2 . 7/31/2013
[...conspiracy theories relating to the internet{,} I mean, what would...] - I'd probably split this sentence into two, stopping the first after 'internet' since it's quite long and the second section could stand alone on its own.

I would have liked there to be more attention on the area around them. I felt like every action kept shifting to the next and the narrator was giving us minimal details in order to get to the main points of what he was trying to say. Erm...I think that made sense... it did in my head at least, sorry if it didn't!

Like for instance, when Anna appears, Conner starts describing her right away. But Jake had no such treatment and I feel like he's this far-away character that we can't really see, and I think we should be able to. The same goes when they're running around the city, taking note of their surroundings would help this out a bunch. 'Passed through a grungy alley, old building, slipped between a few cars and dashed down the street...'

It goes to that whole thing about 'show' don't 'tell'. More showing would be nice here so we can get a picture of the happenings and setting.

I guess I expected the rally to be erm... a lot bigger than what it was lol So I felt Conner's disappointment. But I guess with the whole thing about protesting over something that is happening 'over there' ( The US) and not in their direct vicinity, people would probably feel as Conner did - what's it going to do?

Anywho, you still have me curious as to how this will play out and how the rally will have affected Conner. Nice work :)
Sombrette chapter 1 . 7/31/2013
Roadhouse Review :)

I really like how you set up this prologue. I'm not normally a fan of first person perspective, but if done right I don't mind it much. So far you seem to be doing it right :)

I like this topic that the story is touching as well, with the government interfering on every aspect of media. The 'Big Brother' effect. It's all very interesting. I'm curious to see how the narrator got involved and with his 'one action' was that was so big. I think you have a nice hook here, regardless of how short this prologue is it's enough to make me want to read more and the narrator's voice comes through pretty strong as well so it does feel like it's an actual person speaking to the reader. Which some 1st person POV's fail to do.

Anyway, I like it so far and the curiously I'm left with by the end of the chapter. Onto the next!
Whirlymerle chapter 2 . 7/28/2013
Gotta have those crazy conspiracy theorist friends. :D

Anyway, I like that Connor thinks things through pretty rationally. His comment about whether protesting in England could achieve anything in America was an important point and an indication of that, I think. I really enjoy how pre-protest, he’s just an ordinary guy without high ideals or whatever.

I also really like the detail about how the march was kinda lackluster. I’ve definitely had the experience of going to purportedly exciting things that turned out rather corny instead.

[the majority of protesters were overweight, bad-smelling greasy haired dudes] ahh, the computer geeks

Not the biggest fan of Jacob right now. Speaking of whom, if you revise this story for publication, I strongly suggest that you change either Jake or Jacob’s name, because they’re so similar (isn’t Jake the short verions of Jacob?). When you have them both as Connor’s friends and working the same scenes, it can get confusing to some readers.

One thing that I think you do really well, is that the control theory really did sound plausible coming from Anna and less so coming from Connor. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s a pretty, mysterious girl that just showed up and up to this point he’s been the normal bored narrator guy, but whatever you did, those two scenes just really meshed together really well!
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 7/27/2013
Hi there! Returning your review.

I found prologue and the subject particularly intriguing, especially because it’s such a relevant issue currently, both that peer sharing stuff and also internet security. The internet really is the last free space for the world, but I mean, p2p, I think, is a huge issue.

But you say it’s all about control, so I’m guessing this story’s not about the morality of torrents. Story wise, I think it’s great that you work from this angle. The concept is more interesting. The other thing I find super fascinating is how your narrator blames it on the media barons, which sounds like the control is purely corporate, not governmental. I’m really looking forward to seeing that concept of media gone rogue explored, and how they’d benefit from that kind of censorship.

[I remember reading it] Sounds better as “reading about it,” I think

[The media barons who masterminded this scheme grew up in an age where they controlled every kind of medium, well now there was the internet, a free for all of media and information, and they wanted to control that as well.] Run-on. I think this sentence reads better if you break it into two at “well now”

Looking forward to reading on about what the narrator did that changed everything!
Koszmar chapter 1 . 7/26/2013
Well I have to say that as far as prologues go this one has captured my attention. Having been an avid internet user since the 90's I've certainly felt the sting of my anonymity being ripped away, so I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this.
A. Nonymous1234 chapter 5 . 7/6/2013
Yeeeesss, new chapter. The time skip did the story good, or it probably would have becoming terribly boring otherwise. So the UK didn't pass the internet censorship, but did the United States? You might want to mention that, but maybe if you did I didn't catch it.

"I was a rabbit in headlights." It's deer in headlights. Rabbits tend to dart away.

When he returned to find the two girls in his room, I just knew one of them was going to be Anna, and when it was, I had a fangirl moment here. Needless to say, I'm slightly ashamed. The ending certainly surprised me- I didn't see them once again trying to censor the internet... when will we ever get to the global downfall? I'll still read and buckle in for the ride anyways. This story is fantastic. Your writing gets better with each chapter, my friend.
Highway Unicorn chapter 4 . 6/22/2013
Hey there!

[I don't know what it was, but I didn't like him. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way and I couldn't place what.] Ha! It's probably because he's working with the chick you like. :P

Sweeeeet. Cyber terroist shit is always awesome.

I think Anna's and Conner's relationship grew a nice amount in this chapter. . But I don't like the sound of the ending _ I hope he doesn't get all...sad 'cause of not seeing Anna for a long time D:

I didn't find any grammar mistakes or typos, so good job. :)))))))

The plot is going along nicely.

And I think this story is really picking up. :DDD
A. Nonymous1234 chapter 4 . 6/7/2013
I had forgotten about this story and my promise to review the rest. This chapter was another good one, but it felt sparse in some places, for example the riot, and I am still not getting much personality from any of the main? cast, like Connor and Anna. The idea of the Ratz is cool... I really want to know just what they did. Another good chapter, keep the work up.
Kommissar chapter 1 . 6/3/2013
[I remember reading it, or perhaps I watched it?]

This sounds like it should've been better edited, because not long after he mentions that he saw said news, so he would know exactly where he heard it from.

[The system allowed the big media companies to completely destroy the anonymity of internet users, one of the most important things about the internet. ]

Well,technically, even that is a bit flimsy today. There is no true anonymity on the internet.

Regardless, this isn't really a prologue, more of an elongated summary. This kind of information should be shown and not told, mainly in character interactions and setting.
The Littlest Mouse chapter 2 . 5/31/2013
Very good. Your story was written eloquently and it seems to flow as if your character himself is writing this from memory. Very few authors can pull off such a feat as writing their story this well. Fantastic!
Highway Unicorn chapter 3 . 5/31/2013
Hey hey hey

I believe I owe you a review. Sorry for taking a long time to review you back D: I had college finals, but I'm free to do some reading and reviewing. }:D

[the stupid bus driver took the piss] Do you mean "took a piss"?

I liked the detail and description in the second half of this chapter; you put a lot of work into it. :)

Connor's and Anna's relationship is moving rather fast, and it makes me wonder if she has something sneaky planned. . That would be an interesting plot twist.

Anywhos, I didn't find that many mistakes/typos, so good job on that aspect. The plot is starting to move faster, which is good. And the character's are developing nicely.

Overall: Good job! :D
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