|Reviews for Chimæra|
| TheOneAndOnlyBangBang chapter 2 . 11/4/2013
Ahhhh! Present tense, my old arch nemesis! It seems we meet again, you bastard!
*Returns to sensible reviewing state*
Oh, that Grand Exalt. Always sitting their expecting attention. Bastard . . .
Okay, fo' serious though. This first paragraph could be beefed up a bit. I mean, description of the room etcetera, and the Grand Exalt and what have you. I get you're trying to make it seem like he's rushing, but it's always nice to get a feeling of the setting. I want to know how everything looks in this world.
In other words . . . MAKE DESCRIPTIONS OR DIE!
Obviously, it's your choice, but I like a little intel with my intel.
That goddamn blacksmith never makes his place easy to find, does he? It's like, you wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy, and then your flow gets broken because you forgot where the blacksmith is, and that obnoxious tit hasn't put any signs up. What a little shit. God, I hate it when that happens.
If it looks like I'm making fun of your work, I'm not. I'm humorously immersing myself into the story.
Okay . . . I have an issue. *Raises hand* I SAID I HAVE A FUCKING ISSUE! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! Okay, basically, you have Aaron speak, and then the "he said/she said" part is beneath the dialogue. This is wrong. It should be something like:
"Oh look there's the blacksmith. What a dick!" exclaimed Aaron as he shook his fist at the no good tit blacksmith who isn't very good at letting people know where he is.
"Oh look there's the blacksmith. What a dick!"
exclaimed Aaron as he shook his fist at the no good tit blacksmith who isn't very good at letting people know where he is.
Do you see what I am talking about?
Good, now shut up and keep listening.
Oh, thank God. You only did it once. I was worried for a second there.
I don't like the way this story is written. No offence, but it reads kind of like a children's book. Sentences are short with a bare minimum of information, and there's a sort of childish feeling to the prose.
[and all of a sudden he bumps right into a child] - This sentence just seems spontaneous. There is no mention of anything that might lead up to this, like the act of walking for example. He just casually bumps into a kid. If this kid was going to run into him, you'd expect to hear the thudding of footsteps or something. Apparently he didn't pick up a trace of him in any of his five senses until the little rascal actually bonked into him (yes, that is a word.)
I feel like you need to flesh out pretty much all of the paragraphs in this chapter. It's just bare minimum information wise, and kind of spontaneous. Think about the character's senses. What does he see or hear? And to a lesser extent, touch, smell, or even taste?
I'm getting a general meh vibe from this now. You should be aiming for anything over a meh. Even a whoo is better than a meh.
(Disclaimer: the official scale of entertainment can be found by clicking the link here. What do you mean there's no link? Are you accusing me of making this scale up? No? Good, now scram kid. Daddy's got work to do.)
[He's carrying all of the gear.] - And what gear is this, exactly? TELL ME. I WANT TO KNOW.
You have to go to the capital to get paper work for your coming of age celebration. That stinks. Imagine the people working there. EVER DAY. EVERY NIGHT. DOING PAPER WORK FOR MILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND TRILLIONS OF COMING-OF-AGERS. THAT JOB WOULD BE SOOOOOO BORING.
Wait . . . what? Is this, first person I see before me. You . . . you . . . WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? The story went from third person (e.g. Aaron hit the stupid unhelpful blacksmith) into first person (e.g. I hit the stupid annoying blacksmith.)
Never - repeat, never - change from third person to any other person, or from first to second, or from second to third etc. NEVER DO THAT. I DON'T GET IT.
Wait . . . so the narrator isn't Aaron. So, you didn't switch from third person to first. Your main character is simply a stalker?
So, your narrator is either an omnipotent being watching from the clouds and sometimes commenting his own thoughts, or he's a stalker who watched Aaron wake up.
I'm so confused.
Ah! Rookie error detected!
[it's clerics and priests] - Contrary to popular belief (amongst non-writers) the use of the term "it's" means "it is" or "it was." However, when the possession is belonging to an object, it is written without the apostrophe. I.e. "its."
Possession with people: "Aaron's ball"
Possession with object: "Its ball"
It was/it is: "It's raining."
Confusing, I know. But you'll have to learn it.
[just e peaceful] - Typo alert! I think the "e" should be a "be."
You have a sentence that Aaron "remarks" yet it has no speech marks around it. I think you mean he's thinking it. This is usually shown with itallics (things that are thought are written in itallics.) As well as this, the word "remark" isn't used with thinking. It's with verbal speaking. You wouldn't write "what a wonderful day, he said" if he was supposed to think it. On the other hand, if it was supposed to be verbal you missed out the speech marks.
[He and I both smile] - Okay, really. Why are there parts in first person and parts in third person. Because it doesn't read as if Aaron is the first person character, yet you haven't made any comments on the narrator at all. We've only seen the other characters, and occasionally this first person guy starts narrating, and it doesn't make sense damn you!
That's it. I'm done trying to figure out who the first person narrator is. I'm just going to ignore him.
But seriously, you need to explain that. And fast.
Aaron is, so far, a boring character. You haven't given him any other characterisation other than that he isn't a hating person and he's kind of a klutz. In other words, he's your generic unexpected hero type. I, personally, hate them. I'd like to see him develop in a less cliché way if you keep writing this. And, again, the story telling is bland and uninformative. There are so many little details you could add in to spruce it up a bit. Descriptions of the surrounding, and of the wildlife. There was a part where you mentioned that Saeven looked like the wolves surrounding them, but you hadn't mentioned the other wolves until that point! Then there's this narrator who frequently comments as if he is there, when he clearly isn't. At first I was confused, but I get it now. It's written as if the writer is looking into the world and commenting on it, like narrators on kid's tv programs. I think I see what you're doing, and I don't like it. But that's a more personal view, so don't be put out by it.
All in all, this has a lot of potential. I just don't feel like you're putting enough effort into it to make it good.
Good luck in your future endeavours and whatnot.
-Your loyal Admiral of the HMS Bangle
| TheOneAndOnlyBangBang chapter 1 . 11/4/2013
I prefer stories that show rather than tell. This reminds me of something I did with my first FP story, and that was to make a "prologue" that described the world I was using. Later, I realised that most people including myself, would rather find out all of this backstory as part of the main story. It'd be cool if you were to get rid of this prologue info dump, and intersperse this information throughout the story.
Just some friendly advice :D
On the other hand, the world building you've done here seems okay. I know people who'll go to made lengths to make a huge world, but this is a good balance between small amounts of world building and hella confusing gigantic scale world building. So good work.
| Halina chapter 1 . 3/9/2013
AWESOME MATE XX