|Reviews for The Sovereign Sword|
| TS Conlon chapter 18 . 6/14/2013
There were a couple things I didn't agree, writing wise. The first paragraph that mentioned Pellegrin's arm was clumsy and used "arm" too much. Also, one doesn't put bowstrings on a lute. Mostly they were made from catgut. Also, they would have to be of certain thickness for the different tunings. Lastly, the use of "bitch in heat" used in the narrative (the knarr whined like a bitch in heat) is just out of place. It sounds like something the Sons of the Sea would say, not the narrator. Other than that, no spelling issues.
The chapter was good, but for the ending. They were interesting characters, loveably actually... Oh well, NOW what's going to happen to Pell? It seems like every time we leave him, he's being captured by someone else. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
| TS Conlon chapter 17 . 6/12/2013
-...and seemed to enjoy the swornsword's company; often...: That semicolon should be a comma.
-Percivus scratches at his beard and raised an eyebrow.: The word "scratches" sends the tense into the present. Please replace it with "scratched."
-Bjorn smiled as he neared Pellegrin. He could hear Pellegrin's stomach churn and growl as he came closer, yet Pellegrin did not turn to look at him.: This chapter is in Pellegrin's perspective, and this paragraph switches to Bjorn's.
-Swornsword are...: Please pluralize "swornswords."
"I only need to eat, sleep, shit, and obey," Pellegrin replied.: But his new master asked something of him and he refused to speak, and isn't that disobeying?
-trembled; blood falling from open bruises and calluses that adorned his palm.: Semicolons act as new sentences, and therefore "falling" is not the proper word. Instead it should be "blood fell..." Also, I think you mean "open blisters" rather than "bruises."
-The Black Wyvern sounds badass.
I really like Oric's character. He's the kind of guy who puts his two cents in even when it isn't warrented. He and Orrick ser Pallaton are nothing alike, which is good. The characters are solid and I'm curious to see where this is going. The one thing I feel the need to mention is Pellegrin's arm. It was broken when last we saw him ... are we to believe that it has healed enough for him to be bound without pain, or even an attempt to fight off six men? It does get mentioned later, when he attempts to hold something with his "good arm." But overall and up to this point, I wonder what the point of it being broken is? It doesn't seem like he's met with any obstacle that he's truly hindered by.
| TS Conlon chapter 16 . 6/11/2013
Well, there you go. The end. Nah, just kidding. Vahn's definitely stealing the show here, what with this fate of the world and the realm and The Truth. This chapter is pretty solid and introduces a new element to the story, one that branches (punny, eh) out and helps the tale grow (also punny) into something more than your typical fantasy story.
There were a couple typoes here and there. For the first few instances the word "jailer" is spelled with a capital "J" (Jailer) even though it isn't a proper noun, then it's back to lower case. Also you mentioned that Titus stuck his knife into the table and that it was "perfectly horizontal." Did you mean "vertical?"
| JaveHarron chapter 17 . 6/9/2013
Okay, some gripping chapters so far (with Vahn stealing the show as normal). Still, the creature/figure in this chapter could warrant a bit more description, especially dealing with its size. I know it was not a good lock, but some good descriptive language can remedy that.
| Stormynormal119 chapter 13 . 5/28/2013
O wow. You really got me hooked into this story! I seriously can't get enough of reading this!
| Beccyluo chapter 6 . 5/27/2013
Okay, sorry, but I skipped a huge chunk of this immediately after the mention of a fire brand. Hopefully there was nothing useful in the bits I missed. I feel sick. Hate Titus :(
Hate Freya! Nooooo Beor ;_; Why why why? I mean, it was a very clichéd death, but I felt sad all the same. Nuuuuu ):
| Beccyluo chapter 5 . 5/27/2013
Oh yayy! So Vahn didn't just die on the spot? He's going to be executed? I was actually happy at first when I heard that, forgive me for my mis-understanding. But then I read the end, and that he was bullied and neglected and tortured. Not so great. Makes me feel uncomfortable and really, really sad. How could they do that to him?! It meant a lot for him to be able to wield a sword. I'm so so sad ): Why can't everyone have happy endings?
Okay, don't listen to me, I know I'm just being a selfish reader. Not everyone can be happy in a realistic story. Anyways, great job! I'm beginning to like this story more and more.
| Beccyluo chapter 4 . 5/27/2013
Okay. Scrap what I said last chapter, this chapter was very easy for me to follow. I don't even know why, so I can't even give you helpful pointers. But maybe cause the dialogue between Pellegrin and Freya are something ordinary, something commonly seen between a male and female having their first proper conversation. As a reader, I can relate to the feelings of them, unlike formal court scenes and the like. So yeah. Great. I changed my mind about your dialogue being hard to follow, at least for this chapter.
And yayy festivals! A very cliché happening of the fantasy genre, but something you can't go without. I like how you incorporate song lyrics, it breaks up the monotonous format of fictionpress stories and gives me a small break of fun :D I just chant the songs to myself, over and over again, cause they're so amusing.
Okay, the fight between Vahn and Gertrud at the end of this chapter was very well done. but ASDLKUAYD it was SO unfair! Why would it be futile? Why didn't Pellegrin at least do something? How could he just STAND there? Even if he knew it was futile ): Eck. And also, I think you already knew, but I hate gore. So this was a hard chapter to read, even though I felt myself unable to stop. I read this the way other people watch horror movies, distancing myself from the screen, one hand on mouse and one hand over face. Stupid and retarded, I know. But yeah. You're awesome for being able to make me have a reaction like that. Gertrud's HEAD fell off! Ackkkkkkk Thinking about it makes me put my hands protectively over my own neck. I also felt sad and horrified at the soldiers raping Vahn's mum. ):
Yah. I think you get now that I'm probably not the best person to read and review your story. Ah wells, it's definitely good, so. Onwards march!
| Beccyluo chapter 3 . 5/27/2013
Nyahh your chapters are very long, which makes me feel the need to skip over long bits of dialogue. Just remember, every single word you put into your story has to have a purpose, and if it doesn't do anything to help the story along you should just cut it. Although in this instance a lot of it does character building, so it's forgiven
This chapter didn't entertain me as much as your previous two chapters did, but maybe because I'm not one to like this genre because of its formalities, descriptions, gory action, and often materialistic love. Especially the formalities; the way they talk and the unfamiliar world. My brain is just too slow to process what's happening or what they're saying. Not just your story, don't worry. For everything in this genre. Just like the way you don't like romance. I don't think I'm the best person suited to review your story, but I guess I still will. Just be prepared for mis-understanding of characters and of what's happening.
Now, this review started off harshly, so I guess I'll give you some positive feedback.
It's nice how you ended this chapter with a semi-cliffhanger. That's always great and keeps people hooked.
The re-occurring image of the beautiful golden-haired girl is good, consistency is great in a story.
[The moon's light shimmered upon the water's surface, creating an iridescent mirror that formed thousand of small stars within the waves.] I ADORE this sentence. Imagery and descriptions are your strong point I guess. I'm not one to like the formal descriptions in fantasy, but I like your style of writing. It makes the setting very clear.
I love unique animals incorporated into story worlds! Like the snow heron. Just taking a guess though, does the snow heron have anything to do with the golden-haired girl? Somehow the white and gold and the green eyes are similar. Although I guess I'll have to keep reading to find out
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 7 . 5/25/2013
“She didn't believe him. Every day at dawn she would run through the village and towards the harbor. She imagined that she would find Pellegrin wading forth from the foamy water, a smile on his face as he waved at her. Her hope shattered when she saw only the seagulls and the fish.” Such dedication, such loyalty, and it was all right in front of Pell’s face, yet he pushed it away like a piece of trash. He’s just too young to understand what he had. He will and then he’ll regret it. It’s already happening in my mind, so even if you don’t take it down that path, it’s a done deal.
“Ardis knew that she was waiting for Vahn to return to her.” What eff-ing hell? Okay, she can be loyal to Vahn…as a friend. That’s it. End of story.
"If he's not dead by now then the goddess herself must be watching over him." Not really, he’s probably being tortured within an inch of his life. You can keep a person alive for days if you know how to torture them correctly…so I’ve heard.
“Morgana gave her a frown. "I'm afraid she has just fallen asleep. Your mother needs her rest if she is to beat this illness, my child." It’s kinda weird she has to ask a housemaid for permission to speak with her mother. Do they have money? Or is that just how it was done back then?
“He said I was a bad influence on the bird." Ha! That birds the bad influence, but it still fab all the same. I like that even though Pell’s disappeared and Beor is dead you didn’t just stop writing about the bird. I kind of figured it would’ve just been forgotten, but bringing it back into the story makes it seem more well rounded. How long have you been writing this by the way? Not this chapter, but the whole story.
I like Ragnos so far, but I’m still slightly rarely. The ‘pretty boy’ comment from the Liarbird was well placed too.
“Four innocent people are dead because of your ignorance." It’s a harsh accusation, especially when he was trying to be hospitable to those murdering rapists, but Ragnos is not wrong, unfortunately.
"Stop it!" Ardis screamed as she stamped her foot, "both of you!" I get the feeling that women aren’t really allowed to intervene or eavesdrop in situations like this, so I’m curious as to how they’ll handle that interruption…
"I see that your daughter has inherited your ill-temper," Ragnos finally said as he smiled.” Ill temper? Ha! She’s the voice of reason. I like Ragnos (so far), but he’ll have to know that Ardis is off limits to him…and Vahn (the poor bastard).
You know how people say to forgive is next to godliness or whatever, well I have to agree with the Thane on this one. If this woman was responsible for his Uncle’s death I wouldn’t forgive her either. With that said, I officially hate the Uncle and the shieldmaiden did the world a favor. He probably died too easily. If it had been up to me I would’ve cut his dick off, blended it together with some ice, and then I would’ve made him drink it while he slowly bled to death. This should be a world wide punishment for molesters.
I find it strange that he feels a single woman could’ve taken down a group of bandits when he himself probably couldn’t have made anymore of a difference than her. It doesn’t sound like it was really her fault. Had it been, then I wouldn’t have forgiven her, but it sounds like the Thane is being a stubborn old coot.
“Her father sneered at her. "Forgive her and her ignorant questions. She does not know when to keep her mouth shut." I feel like the Thane thinks less of women, specifically Ardis with her ignorant questions, yet he felt this maid should’ve been able to take out some bandits? What a contradiction. I don’t think I like the Thane very much.
“… will never turn itself over to Stratus Baalthor and his damned Greycloaks! Tell him I would go to war before I allowed him to replace me with a lesser thane!"” Pride cometh before the fall, and stuff.
“"I know how you must feel about all of this," Morgana began.
"No you don't!" Ardis snapped at her. "You never will!"”This scene surprised me. It seemed really out of character for Ardis, but I feel it was a necessary choice on your part to make her seem real and not so perfect.
“Ardis tried her hardest to reach her friend's hand and pull him towards her. She missed the warmth of his body when he embraced her, and she missed the fire that would grow in her heart whenever he smiled at her.” *sighs heavily* oh hell to the no! This better be a purely platonic growth in her heart.
“Shaela had picked a champion to retrieve Vahn from the wrath of the gods. The goddess had chosen her.” Okay, now I’m officially starting to warm up to the idea of Vahn and Ardis being together. I love this turn of events and I think it’s so cool that the girl is going to be the savior of Vahn, or you know, hopefully. Looking forward to reading the next chapter!
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 6 . 5/23/2013
This review is just because you forced your way through another chapter of Best I Ever Had, and because I do enjoy the story!
Vahn glared at him. "Pell…that girl…she's not what she seems. She isn't who you think she is." I’m dancing with joy. I hope Pell starts to really hate her after what she’s done.
"Maybe I can talk to her," Pellegrin told him, "maybe I can find out the truth. I trust her." Are you fucking kidding me? Now, I’ve been working on my swearing, but honestly I couldn’t hold it in anymore. What the fuckity fuck? This fuckin’ turd…He doesn’t blame Freya? Yet he told her what he had planned and they ended up coming after him, even beating him because he had planned it. How, just you know, how?
"That we're nothing more than ashes dancing in an eternal flame." Ooh, poetic.
"No!" Pellegrin shot back. "I did not!" Even his goddess knows that’s a lie.
"He would not say," Beor said. "Take comfort in the fact that Vahn will not be executed on Irel." Oh no, there are worse things than death. Now I’m worried. It would’ve been better had they just killed Vahn and put him out of his misery. If Pell still trusts Freya after this then he is a fool.
Took one bitch and replaced her with another? If that ain’t bat-shit crazy…
I like Rolf.
"No," Freya commanded. "I am not without mercy. Let them live." This bitch needs to die, but surprisingly enough I don’t dislike her as much as I did the real Freya. At least this goddess is a monster to peoples faces.
“He snarled at her and shoved her away.” I’m sorry that he lost Beor, but that wasn’t very nice. It was his own
foolish fault for trusting that Freya.
"All things must die," Pellegrin heard himself say. How can he treat this bitch that way but shove Ardis like that. This is the person that had a hand in killing Beor. I don’t care if she was possessed. Lord, men really do think with their…I’ll let you fill in the blank.
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 5 . 5/23/2013
“Pellegrin Son of None.” The whole ‘son of None’ thing has me wanting to watch The Lord of the Rings. Damn it! It’s so long…*pouts*
"Attacking the Arundels will bode ill for Irel," said Beor as he eyed the boy.” Oh come on. They should all be highly offended that after letting these Arundel’s into their home they repay that generosity by treating one of their own like a dog.
Borris is a douche bag.
"The brute is not the one who's killing Vahn. You are." You tell them Pell!
"The goddess has betrayed us, Ardis. Her blessing promised us peace and prosperity, and instead we were given strife and death-" This is my problem with people who are religious. Something good happens it’s all over flowing with worship, something bad happens and they turn their back. Does Pell think at all that Vahn’s actions had nothing to do with what happened? As much as I like to talk all big and say the guy that raped his mother deserved to die, the reality is Vahn acted irrationally. He should’ve let them leave and then gone to the Thane to have the situation hopefully taken care of. It’s most certainly not the goddess fault Vahn acted on his own. Revenge is always that…revenge. Nobody gains anything from it, it doesn’t honor someone, it most definitely doesn’t stop what had already been done. So why can’t he see that the goddess had nothing to do with it? You know people are like this in real life? I honestly think that’s why Pell’s response got such a reaction out of me. Even though you’ve taken out the modern world and made your own you’ve still made the characters relatable and have put them in situations that are similar to ones today. Very nice job!
Yay Ardis, though I don’t think he deserved to be smacked for it. All the same. Asvoria is a good mother. I see it in her response to him being taken, after what happened to her for her to only focus on him being taken just shows her love and her grief. That’s good characterization for a minor charcter.
I’m curious about what Pell wants to do. He wants to save Vahn, but he won’t let Ranolf do it? They should pool their resources together. “Pellegrin practiced swinging the axe through the air. "How are you going to fight through dozens of Val'din soldiers? You can barely wield a wooden stick."” That’s why they should find a woman. There’s a reason you don’t see a little of female serial killers…it’s because they haven’t gotten caught. It takes longer for a female to get caught than a man. Besides a female could flirt her way in, it’d be less noticeable than a group of teenagers (they are teenagers right?) barging in.
Pellegrin shook his head. An idea began to form in his mind. "The girl…" See girls hypnotize and make guys act irrational…and you’ve got to be kidding me. He’s still going on about Freya?
The idea began to grow and expand, and Pellegrin knew that they had hope. "Freya can help us." That heifer was in on it.
"Friends," Freya repeated as she continued to balance perfectly on one foot. "I haven't had a friend in years." Gee, I wonder why.
"I won't be here for much longer, Pellegrin. Once I do what I came here to do, I'll be gone forever and you'll never see me again," she said plainly as she grabbed another seashell. Halleluiah!
“Because I care about you. You're beautiful and kind and full of life and I find myself thinking about you more than I should." …this bitch. Don’t fall for it Pell!
"Then I have no choice," he told her. "I have to storm the ships and free Vahn myself. I'll kill anyone who gets in my way." He’s got diarrhea of the mouth when he’s around blondie. Lord!
"I must be get back to the ships," Freya said as she gazed into Pellegrin's eyes.” Should be “I must be getting back…”
“This was brought on Vahn and Asvoria because men like you were too cowardly to rise and fight." Amen brotha!
"I'm sorry," she said as she backed away from him, "Pellegrin I'm so sorry." I KNEW IT! I knew there was a reason I didn’t like this hooker.
Aw, poor Vahn. Here’s to them getting away! This was a good chapter. It would’ve been a great chapter if Freya hadn’t done what she did, but I suspect that was planned. I can’t stand her. I knew it was for a reason. Let Ardis come to the rescue of all these manly men that couldn’t be bothered with saving Vahn and Pell who didn’t bother to look at her as something more! Nice job. Thanks for taking the time to write and share it!
| GossamerSilverglow chapter 4 . 5/23/2013
“Pellegrin could do nothing but stare at her in awe.” Aw, come on Pell. Wake up! It isn’t her you want, it’s Ardis.
"I always look at the stars and the moon when I have a lot on my mind. They help me relax," the girl told him.” Oh, she’s gonna be one of those is she?
“The golden-haired girl giggled, and Pellegrin could feel an odd warmth start to fill his soul.” Ugh, I’m vomiting in my mouth. I’m sorry, this blonde isn’t doing it for me. I really, really hope he’s going through a phase and just hasn’t realized what he could have with Ardis. Now if your intention is to pair him with this blonde girl, well, I’ve said it before. Get crackin’ on making this girl the most wonderful character in the world. Anyhow, I do know the ‘romance’ is only a side, but I get invested in this stuff.
"Freya," Pellegrin repeated the name. "You have a beautiful name." *Shakes head*
“Freya quickly looked away from him and did not answer.” Ha! I knew it. Ulterior motive. The hussy!
Pellegrin lowered his eyes from her. "The other villages do, and I'd be lying if I said I disagreed with them. But you're different, I can already tell. You seem more…human, than the others." Can’t someone save him from the thralls of this woman who knows exactly what she’s doing? Where’s Ardis when you need her?
“Freya touched his chin with a soft hand and tilted his head back to her. "I think if we all take the time to get to know each other, we'll find out just how similar we really are." She is definitely playing him, or ‘working’ him seems to be more apt a phrase.
“Freya frowned at him. "The gods live off of our prayers and loyalty, Pellegrin; without it, they're powerless. These people are nothing but slaves to your goddess; they are the babes suckling at her teats.” Now this comment isn’t actually directed at Freya, it more towards the general idea of what she’s saying. If the people in real life could understand the saying ‘leave my beliefs alone and I’ll leave yours alone’ I think we’d be better off.
“Pellegrin faced her again, hoping to change the subject. "So tell me about your homeland. Tell me about Aria." Really? After she insults him that’s what he wants? He is enthralled.
“Freya stared at him for a long while before frowning. "Goodbye, Pellegrin. I'll see you again in my dreams." I’m rubbing my temples right now. …Completely outrageous.
“"No," Pellegrin said. He forced his feet to carry him away from the two boys. "No."” I think having Vahn go ready to save the day instead of Pell was a good touch. Usually it’s the main character ready to go into such situations.
Wow, I really hope that’s not where it’s going. She was meant to be his goddess? Wow, she doesn’t have a large ego or anything. "I miss the days when we were young enough to participate in the pig joust," Sounds fabulous…
“Ardis and Vahn were laughing and smiling as they sat below the alder tree, and the sight made Pellegrin strangely uneasy.” Halle-freakin-luiah!
“"What?" Pellegrin's eyes widened in surprise. "The Fyre Festival is a Velhiir tradition; how dare they try to be a part of it!"” Wait, didn’t he ask Freya to this thing? It’s okay for her, but not them? I really dislike this chick and Pell, unfortunately, at the moment.
And in the end we all must die? That’s freaky as hell. Of course he woke up screaming.
"You," Vahn said as he glared at the soldier. "I will kill only you.” You go Vahn, you go!
It’s official, Vahn is the shit. That was so freakin’ cool I had to step away for moment, otherwise I would’ve started hollering at my monitor. Boy would that have started a scene. Boer needs to get in on this and rescue Vahn and restore the dignity of his mother by castrating every one of them...in front of the village.
| JaveHarron chapter 15 . 5/22/2013
Okay, a nice chapter here. Plenty of action with the wild beasts and Wolfchildren. My main criticism is that the political stuff seemed to info-dumpy, even coming from a drunken soldier. Also, the Grey Republic sounds like more of a monarchy than a republic.
| JaveHarron chapter 14 . 5/22/2013
Okay, Ardis definitely needs a bit more screen time. She's fairly fun, and I'm liking her plot arc a bit more. I'd say my favorite order of characters is Vahn, Ardis, and lastly Pellegrin.