|Reviews for The Sovereign Sword|
| EdenbyNite chapter 2 . 4/14/2013
Sorry. That was a terrible copy and paste job. Here's the link: /for-writers/dialogue-tags-vs-descriptive-beats/
| EdenbyNite chapter 1 . 4/14/2013
Hi! So, I finally got over here to read your first chapter. I have to say, your story has a lot of potential. The beginning is filled with good dialogue, excitement, love, new life and death! Whew! You've already gotten a lot accomplished. By the end of the section, I felt the loss of the new parents, Peleus and Selena. If your reader gets the desired emotion from your story, then you have done a good job as a writer.
That being said, I do have a critique that you will hopefully find helpful. Go back and take a look at your dialogue tags. There are a lot of them, especially at the beginning. Quite a few are unnecessary or misused. But that is just one woman's opinion. Take a look as this link about dialogue tags (it was helpful to me when someone gave me a similiar critique) and see what you think.
Other than that, good start!
| Duelist Gal 12 chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
You're story is awesome so far. I can't wait to keep reading and see what happens next!
By the way, thanks for the awesome review. I'm trying really hard on the story.
| TS Conlon chapter 9 . 4/12/2013
This chapter was great! It was gripping, creepy, emotional, and surprising. Really nice job with this one, my friend.
I'm still wondering about Vaan, though. He's missing his right arm, which I assume is his sword arm. Will he become a strong warrior, or perhaps a lord or a tactician? Or will he somehow meet his end? Only time will tell, I suppose. I do have a question about his missing arm, though. Because it was hacked off so unceremoniously, does he have phantom limb syndrome? Does he miss his arm, want it back? Amputees often think they can still feel the limb, or feel great pain (usually psychosomatic) where the limb used to be.
Also, here are a couple errors I found, nothing too major. Mostly they are typographical and grammatical errors, but the first two are physeological errors.
-A single torch sat on an iron hook from the ceiling...: This is impossible because of what torches are. Also it's unwise to have an open torch to be hanging precariously from the ceiling on a ship of wood. Perhaps you meant lantern?
-The farm boy shrieked in agony as the air was knocked from his lungs.: A lack of air in the lungs makes it impossible to talk or scream.
-...certainly end hereunless...: There should be a space between "here" and "unless."
-...; his lungs inflating with pools of cold water.: Remember, all semi-colons can become periods, but not all periods can become semi-colons. That said, "inflating" denotes a shift into present tense, so it should be changed to "inflated."
-Gorgis nodded again."Aye.: There should be a space between "again." and "Aye."
-What a well,...: I have never heard this term before. Is it exclusive in Eos?
-"Thank ye, yer grace,"...: "Yer Grace" should be capitalized because it's being used as a proper noun, like a name. You make this mistake several times when the soldier is informing Freya of the incoming ship without sigils.
| Deathgodsato chapter 1 . 4/12/2013
this story has an interesting plot, characters that draw me in and make me want to keep reading and an atmosphere that keeps me wondering what will happen next.
| Corenttios chapter 1 . 4/11/2013
Awesome, I like where this is going and was it just me or did u put a Monty Python reference in there? :P
Can't wait to read the rest!
| Jave Harron chapter 3 . 4/11/2013
Okay, this chapter is reminding me of invasion literature to a point, genres focusing on a foreign army occupying your country. The scene with Boer and the soldier reminded me a bit of the Tomorrow series, if you've ever read that. The enemy commander is fairly interesting, but I'd like to see more of the protagonists. Still, Pellegrin seems rather impatient and rash, although he is a teenager.
| AshDragon chapter 2 . 4/11/2013
This is really good, I enjoy how the bird seems to tell the truth about everything.
| Jave Harron chapter 2 . 4/11/2013
Okay, a few points here. I noticed some grammar errors, but nothing significant. A lot of the names remind me of Skyrim a bit too much, and a character here has the same name as the protagonist of Final Fantasy XII (sadly reminding me of that travesty of a game). Also, why would Pellegin take Ausvendiir out to hunt with? Special hunting swords were utilized in the middle ages through the Renaissance, more giant utility knives or short sabers, intended to put wounded prey out of their misery. Ausvendiir seems more of a heavier, anti-personnel combat blade than a hunting implement. Although depending on what threshers are, such a weapon may be warranted.
| Jave Harron chapter 1 . 4/11/2013
Okay, you open up with an interesting premise. The characters seem to have fairly distinctive voices (a good thing when there is a lot of dialogue). I enjoyed the birth scene/fight the most this chapter. However, I have a few comments. There's not many metaphors or much descriptive writing, so some of the characters' physical features are not described too much. Likewise, there are some questions I had regarding Peleus' common sense (or lack therefore of). It was uncommon for historic soldiers to walk around in heavy armor, especially on a ship (where one quick slip means death by drowning). If they were expecting a boarding action or below decks shipboard engagement, shorter weapons and lighter armor were often preferred. Larger weapons were more likely to be used above decks (for instance, naval axes were used to chop down masts, boarding pikes were used to attack enemies with shorter weapons on an open deck, etc.). Likewise, walking around with a headband or something indicating his prior relationship or political status is a surefire way to draw unwanted attention. Even on smuggler and pirate ships, there would typically be an "unofficial" medical officer in the form of the ship's carpenter. The carpenter's tools could be pressed into service as surgical implements, given the barbaric state of medical knowledge at the time. While some vessels maintained separate individuals for each, many crews were not so fortunate.
| Jennythe3 chapter 2 . 4/10/2013
I personally loved the scene with the annoying bird in it. And the part where Pellegrin points out to the merchant that Irel has no king, and no horses.
This whole story is pretty amazing; the scenes flow together nicely as well. Keep up the good work
| Opheliac Wyrmwood chapter 1 . 4/10/2013
It certainly is an interesting story. With a lot of words. I almost forgot I was reading something here on Fiction Press and not an actual published novel. It's very professionally written. I liked it a lot. Can't wait to read more.
| Jennythe3 chapter 1 . 4/10/2013
Wow... This is a great start! I can't wait until I get through the rest of the chapters!
| TS Conlon chapter 8 . 4/10/2013
It was interesting getting into Sindri's mindset. In the other chapters we've seen him as a troublemaking, obnoxious, prococious boy but here we get a glimpse into his mind, his dreams, and his desires. It was really good, really interesting stuff.
Here is a list of things I found though that you might want to take a second look at.
-...soldiers in the tales his father loved to tell him about.: Remove the "about" because it makes it seem as though his father told him about the tales instead of the tales the tales themselves.
-Vines and weed had...: Should be "weeds", plural.
-The boy nibbled and chewed the lemon tarts.: Forgive me if this is nitpicky, but I'd like to know how they taste. Are they sour, tart, sweet? Perhaps with a flaky crust, or is it moist from the lemon juice and oil for baking?
-Sindri growled and snarled at the greyhounds they came close at the smell of his lemon tarts.: "...at the greyhounds WHEN they came close..."
-He kicked them away with small feet...: "...with HIS small feet..." While "with small feet" may not be grammatically in correct, not technically at least, the lack of the pronoun "his" makes the makes a skip in the pacing.
-"Forgive him father," Ardis said...: It should be, "Forgive him, Father." There should be a comma and "Father" should be capitalized because she's using it like a name.
-"And the whores in the brothels of Illthain scream my name as they orgasm.": Once again I don't mean to be nitpicky, but "orgasm" sounds too clean, too scientific, and it's clearly meant to be brash. Choose climax, cum, or come. Also, is the implication here meant to be that the whores scream his name when they beds other men or just with him? It sounds like it could be either way, both there's no strong hint toward the former.
-His father had lit no torches to illuminate the hallway, and the milky moonlight slipped in through the windowsills.: That description is great, but I wonder if "but" would work better than "and."
-The scene between Sindri and his mother is both touching and disheartening. Powerful stuff, man.
-He filled it with salted meat, water, eggs, and bread.: Try "skins of water" or "a skin of water." Otherwise it sounds like he's just pouring water, uncontained, into the bag of food.
| Chiisutofupuru chapter 6 . 4/7/2013
So, she was a vessel. Here I thought she was messing with Pell the whole time. I guess not.
Well, at least Beor tried. His death didn't surprise me at all really. What I thought at first was that he was going to trade his life for Pell's (Not a sword). Either way I knew it was going to happen.
The end confused me a bit. Did he pass out and slip into a dream? Is that why the Golden Haired Girl is there all of a sudden? Or did he jump off the cliff like it almost suggests... I guess I'll have to keep reading.