|Reviews for The Sovereign Sword|
| Chiisutofupuru chapter 6 . 4/7/2013
So, she was a vessel. Here I thought she was messing with Pell the whole time. I guess not.
Well, at least Beor tried. His death didn't surprise me at all really. What I thought at first was that he was going to trade his life for Pell's (Not a sword). Either way I knew it was going to happen.
The end confused me a bit. Did he pass out and slip into a dream? Is that why the Golden Haired Girl is there all of a sudden? Or did he jump off the cliff like it almost suggests... I guess I'll have to keep reading.
| Dorien Uzumaki chapter 1 . 4/4/2013
I like the story so far. Good Introduction.
| TS Conlon chapter 7 . 4/3/2013
-"You dishonor your father's honor!": How about just "You dishonor your father!" or "You bring shame to your family!" or something like that. Dishonoring honor doesn't really make sense.
Otherwise, this was a very good chapter. You've a way of ending chapters on a lead-in to the next one. So keep writing because I'd like to find out more.
| Osmium chapter 7 . 4/3/2013
The strengths of the story continue: nice world-building, and a wonderful twist when Freya is possessed by Dysis Fel'Eldos. I presume now that Pellegrin and Ardis will sail after the Val'Sigai soldiers, to recover Ausvendiir, kill Titus and recover Vaan. Or at least, Ardis will.
Personally, I'd prefer it if Ardis and Pellegrin went their separate ways. You could then have three plotlines: Borris Casterlyn and the people in the village trying to ward off the Val'Sigai, Ardis trying to recover Vaan, and Pellegrin doing something-or-other. That would give you the opportunity to explore your new world in many different ways, and add lots of different characters. It would also give you the potential for conflict: what if Ardis and Pellegrin get caught up in different causes to each other?
By the way, what's the difference between val'din, Val'Sigai and Arundels?
Titus has the potential to be an interesting character—cruel, but so devoted to his men that he takes their side whether or not they're in the wrong (you could, for instance, show his sorrow over the Val'Sigai soldier killed by Vaan) and very brave (hence slaying wyrms)—or a flat, one-dimensional villain; I think you can tell which I'd prefer, though of course it's your choice.
Still an interesting story, and regardless of whether you accept any of my suggestions, I'll be pleased to read on.
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 4/2/2013
Hey there! Returning your review.
You’re chapters are very long. If it’s a book, that’s not a problem, but on FP it makes reading a chapter in one sitting difficult. Obviously, you have your creative license, and I’ve met some writers who’re touchy about their chapter lengths. I just honestly think if you try to have your chapters under 5000 words, you’ll get more readers.
[In an instant the mess deck was silent] If people are drunk and fighting I don’t think they can become silent in an instant
[she nodded and scrambled around the room for a fresh sheet of parchment] Dude, if his wife is about to pop out a baby, shouldn’t Peleus at least be a gentleman get it for her? Given he’s always so protective and everything
I think you do world building really well. I love that you didn’t have to explain some of the foreign words, such as wyron, for me to get what it meant.
Speaking of whom, I have a lot to say about Peleus’ character, but since he’s dead now, I’ll cut it short. He’s obviously very flawed. I mean, threatening to kill everyone every other minute is probably not a smart idea to go about things. I think it shows how uncomfortable he is around smugglers, and while he may have brute strength, he’s not a particularly smart person (goes along well with the seagull scene). One nitpick problem I do have with his character is how much he cringes, flinches, winces. I mean, if he can kill 33 men, I don’t think he’d cringe “against the chaotic noise.”
I do like Beor. He’s wonderfully funny (though I’m wondering how the heck he could escape when the sailors just stabbed through his friend.
I also love the fact that they’re on a ship. I think the setting is a good metaphor for the rocky situation that Peleus was in. I also think it’s cool that Peleus talking about how he’s not afraid of death became a self fulfilling prophecy.
| TS Conlon chapter 6 . 4/2/2013
This was a great chapter! Though it covered a lot of ground, the pacing was well done and the surprises kept coming. I cannot wait for the next chapter.
Alas, there seldom can be only happy tidings. Here are some issues I found with the prose.
-...to find teh right key.: "Teh" should be "the."
-...before the wyrmslayer removed the fire-brand from his chest.: You use "chest" earlier in this paragraph and the sentence before contains the word "flesh" which offers the flow a weird rhyme scheme. I suggest removing the "...from his chest" at the end.
-...wooden plank and onto the harbor.: You use "the harbor" in the sentence before this one and throws off the flow. I suggest, "hurled him down onto the wooden planks."
-Asvoria seems to have her wits about her now. In the last chapter she was practically insane. Now she's a coherent, caring, functioning member of the village again. When did that happen?
-"Tell me: how...": This is one of those rear examples when a word after a colon should be capitalized. It is the start of an independent claim.
-They slipped through the pig sties and behind the cottages...: "Pigsties" is one word. Also, remove the "the." "They slipped through pigsties and behind cottages..."
-...and they peered around the edged and surveyed...: "The edge and surveyed."
-When you use words like "norenai" and "arundel" and "velhiir", I wonder if those should be capitalized. After all, you're speaking of a race or group of people which are proper nouns and should come capitalized.
-"You heretic!": A heretic is someone with different philosophical believes against religion. Consider the nihilist or the objectivist. Apostasy is the renouncement for a former religion. Therefore, " You traitor!", "You turncloak!", or "You apostate!" would work better here.
| ResurrectedLight chapter 3 . 3/28/2013
I'm not sure about the description of the men from the ships. It just seems a little weird, having all that black and red armor and then a bronze shield. Wouldn't that kinda clash? I don't know, it seems like it would to me. But I don't really know about that kind of thing.
I love the description of the girl, I think it's the first real one we've gotten.
Wow, a seven-foot tall man easily cowed by a young girl? I wonder what sort of power she holds over him.
This is a bit nit-picky, but 'they bring only plague and death and sorrow' sounds weird. I think, 'they bring only plague, death, and sorrow' would sound better. This also goes for the next bit, 'no plague," Titus replied as he withdrew his sword, "or death and sorrow' would sound better.
"Have you forgotten our sacred words?" Beor Casterlyn asked the farmer.' I think you mean Borris Casterlyn.
'Pellegrin could find neither Ardis nor Vaan, and so he decided to return to Beor and the forge.' I do believe 'neither' and 'nor' is a double negative, does that make it a positive? lol. Either way, I think the 'nor' should be 'or'.
Ok, Pellegrin didn't come off to me as the type of person who would make those kind of advances to a girl. He might be a bit troublesome but he seemed genuine, so the bit of Borris being in his face was a little weird. Though, I could see where it came from, after the way he acted with his friends, and perhaps the way he was staring at the girl… I'm a parent myself so I could see where he might have a few misplaced (maybe) feelings toward the boy. And then the bit with him pointing out that Pell was lowborn? Ouch. Not sure if I like Borris.
Why wasn't Beor at the harbor? Does he avoid crowds? Afraid he'll get recognized?
Did you give the bird a name? In the previous chapter I think you referred to it as Split-eye, (I think I called it Split-ear in my previous review) and now he's Halbrok?
Oh my! Did he eat that pork raw? Perhaps a word thrown it their about it being cooked, unless, uh, they eat raw meat. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe I missed something?
'He found a scared woman standing in the road, tears covering her cheeks as she back(ed) away from a val'din soldier.'
Again with all the names, especially for the soldiers. You refer to them as arundels, Val'Sigai soldiers and val'din soldiers. I think you're referring to the same people but it's confusing when you use so many different names to which I have no reference to the meaning. Mainly since this is a new world that you have created with many different countries, places, and people. I would stick with one name for one group of people, just to clear things up.
I love the description of the Citadel, it seems like such a beautiful peaceful place. I certainly hope nothing happens to it.
Another nit-picky comment, 'Beyond the altar stood a statue of the Dead Goddess Shaela.' at this point we know who the 'Dead Goddess' is and we know who 'Shaela' is so I think it is a bit redundant to use both in a sentence.
Aww, the feels. Pellegrin wants to simply know who he is, I think a quest everyone has been on at some point in their life. And Beor has to honor his oath and he loves the kid he's raised as his own while fearing he can't ever truly protect him.
Gryphon fish? You are going to have to explain this one to me because I am currently picturing some sort of mash-up between an eagle, lion, and fish. And I can assure you it does not look pleasant.
I can of have a bad feeling about this blond girl, there's something off about a girl who can command a brute so easily. I'd much rather see Pell with Ardis.
Another, cliffhanger? Yay! Ha, that seemed like a pun.
I enjoyed this so far, and will probably continue reading, though I might not review each chapter. (I usually review the whole thing.) Anyways, wonderful job so far, keep it up!
| ResurrectedLight chapter 2 . 3/28/2013
Well, you certainly have a talent for this sort of thing. Your writing style is amazing, you use of detail is truly wonderful (The town has a small homey feel to it), though I still find myself wanting more.
Especially with the characters. They are all easily individualized by their actions, I simply would like a bit of description on what they look like in order to set them apart a bit more. You haven't even told us what our protagonist looks like, and I can't help but randomly put different people in his place as he does certain things to bring them to mind. I enjoyed that battle of wits between him Beor. Knives instead of nails? Hmm, maybe knives will be more useful? In any case he seems intelligent and kind, even if he can be troublesome to his uh, uncle? I would like to know what happened to Pell's finger and how he managed to lose just the middle one.
Ha, I love Split-ear. It was a wonderful way to throw in some humor. I'm interested in Ardis and what part she will play in the future. Perhaps a love-interest, even though you mention one of Pellegrin's friends having a possible liking to her. I like Vaan, even though he was kinda brought in as a bully, we quickly see that's not really the case. He's simply really good with a sword, almost where we see it could be a curse to him if a battle was to ever happen. (Obviously everyone will look to him.)
That dream, certainly hints at a bit of foreshadowing. And I love the addition of some pretty fearsome sounding creatures.
Ah, a cliffhanger. You are the bane of my existence. lol, I'm only joking. I love them, they leave you wanting more.
A few notes,
Can a sword be forged in a day? And on that note, has Pellegrin forged a sword before, would he know how to? Is that the joke behind the runes? Anyway, I think there should be a explanation of sorts on why Pell chooses to make the sword for Vaan, and why Beor decides to help him. I also like the name Pellegrin tells Vaan, "Oathkeeper", it reminds me of the keyblade in Kingdom Hearts.
-"Says who?" With a quick flick of his wrist he sent the line off and into the deep.' I believe you need a comma after wrist as you are starting off your sentence with a prepositional phrase.
-'The blond-haired youth struggled to stay afoot before turning to face Vaan again.' I think you might mean 'brown-haired youth' as you just described Ranolf as 'a rather short boy with brown hair and freckles' and I think that's who you are referring to.
-'Ranolf grumbled as he grabbed the dark-haired boy's hand.' This is a bit confusing as I don't believe you've described Vaan yet. Only Ranolf, who you have described as being brown-haired, which in my opinion is dark and can be a unclear when referring to them as both dark-haired.
-'He flattened and hammered the iron one section at a time, and he(his) arm soon tired of the repetitive motions.'
-'Pellegrin and Vaan shared a look of fear before (s)printing towards the far harbor.'
I'm looking forward to reading more!
| ResurrectedLight chapter 1 . 3/28/2013
Well that certainly was an interesting beginning to what I thing will be a very intriguing story.
I must say that has to be the longest prologue I have ever read, but it was very good. I liked the amount of detail, the characters you have created, (Though it seems most have died by the end.) and the atmosphere.
I don't have much in the way of critique, besides the use of names. It was a bit off-putting to me. There were so many names that could be a little hard to pronounce at times and had to be re-read, and places that were simply mentioned with out really giving much of an explanation. I found myself wishing for a map, or perhaps a pronunciation guide. It's probably me though, simply wanting to see more of the world you've created. I'm sure I'll get more of it as the story progresses.
Also, I was a little unsure of the dialog between Peleus and Beor in the first part. At first, you made it seem that it was Peleus that was annoyed by the drunken men, then it seemed Beor was annoyed and Peleus was amused, and then once again Peleus was irritated and left, while Beor found it amusing and stayed. I simply wondered if it was meant to come off like that? It would seem to make more sense if Peleus was annoyed the entire time.
Anyways, I only noticed one thing grammar-wise,
-'He picked up a scrap of parchment at near his foot and observed the elaborately detailed ship that was drawn on it.' You don't need both 'at' and 'near'.
| unconscious willpower chapter 3 . 3/28/2013
This first part, which I expected to be a lot bloodier from the last chapter, reminds me of a landing in early America. I imagine that the Natives of any island nation would treat outsiders like this if they had been massacred in the past. Still, at very point in this confrontation I am waiting on the edge of my seat for a massacre.
You draw a nice detailed image of the Lady in red. Showing how she is both beautiful and respected by the invaders.
Titus, the brute, is interesting. I wonder if he was one of the Kings men that Pellegrin's father stole his love away from? Or were they brothers in arms? You describe him as a monster of a man and give him a fitting personality. I doubt anyone has ever forced him to do anything that he didn't want to do.
I noticed that the number of demons on the thrones has changed from seven to six, showing that one died. The question is was it Selena's mother? Or Pellegrin's father? And are these people hunting for Pell, or is there a deeper reasoning for coming into these Pagan lands?
Pellegrin gets scorned right off the start by the Thane of the city. Really? there is a little girl controlling a psychopath like Titus and you think that Pellegrin will want to court her? Maybe he knows something else. What dark secrets has Beor whispered in a drunken fit?
I kind of think that he is hinting that his daughter likes Pellegrin.
Beor seems to be the one who lies. Hiding Pellegrins past yet again. The Liarbird yells Dishonor? Is Beor dishonoring Pelligren's father?
This is a nice section between Ardis and Pellegrin. They show how comfortable they are around each other. They show how comfortable they are around each other. Almost like a family bond. It is rather humorous as well when Pellegrin refuses to learn to read, a clever draw on the fact that he might be a King of some other land.
I was wondering if the soldiers would try anything with the towns people, I assume that they have been restless on the ships for a long while and were hoping to slaughter the first few villages that they came across. The blonde haired girl may have saved the whole village by accepting the terms of the Thanes agreements.
I liked the bird, and the start of spring. Maybe the gods do walk among men eh?
Once again Beor refuses to tell Pellegrin of his heritage and birthright. And you use this to build a huge cliff. We almost fall off with the eagerness that the story stops with. Who is this blonde haired mystery and why is she right here, right when Pellegrin is vulnerable and confused.
Overall the chapter moves nicely and shows even more of the characters personalities and traits. It leaves so many questions waiting to be answered.
Everything that I have written is my own opinion and I hope that it helps you in any way. Please use what you find useful and ignore the rest.
| unconscious willpower chapter 1 . 3/28/2013
I thought I'd go back and do the prelude as well.
You describe the energy in the room very well. In your battle, your description's of the sailors remind me of foot soldiers and commanders. The ebony armor adds a dark mysterious feel to the two characters. You start your foreshadowing a third of the way down with the woman being sick and Peleus showing fear. Again, we see a storm brewing, possible foreshadowing. The talk with the Captain shows some religious beliefs and Peleus's ignorance to this part of the world. He's running from something, but what? He shrugged off the part about gambling. Lying to his woman, might be more dangerous than it's worth. Rumors fly as someone realizes what Peleus is. Well, He should have dressed down a bit. When hiding one must take all things into consideration. It seems the crew will start some trouble.
Wow, that escalated quickly. The crew has gone sea crazy, baby, what can a fella do?
Peleus showed a nice trick by angering and bluffing to get more free alcohol. Smooth. You give us an insight to his honor, not afraid of the sailors and bragging about his feats in battle. Luck is good and bad. You take time to hint at a possible gambling problem and his fear of boats. So? it's his fault that they fled? I wonder if he is a warlord from another area who fell in love with a taken or promised woman. Still, it is obvious that they are together because of love and not for any gain of material wealth. And he is a kingslayer. A cursed race of people for sure.
Selena is a princess? And her lover killed her father and stole her across the ocean to start a new life. Their child could be heir to a throne in Ostell.
Beor, a longtime family friend to Peleus. An avid drinker with an apparent past of crime. Somehow, Peleus's father saved him from a life of street crime and raised him to be a better man.
Rorik, the captain, Is a kind old man. Hard built by the sea and willing to die in it. Believes in an older or foreign religion where his spirit will return to the sea one day.
This is all taking place on a ship. I have to assume it's rather large for a fight in a hallway, and if it's making a trip of many weeks on the ocean than it would be. The background of the story is what is really detailed, and you draw a nice air throughout the room.
It has a nice ending. Sad and violent, but nice. It closes well.
Overall it is a very interesting start to a story. Many religions and people are hinted at, we get a nice look into the gritty world that you created here and the hopes of light that you leave scattered throughout.
This is quickly becoming one of my favorite stories.
Everything that I write is my own opinion and I write it only to help you creative process. Please use what you will and ignore the rest.
| ZeroPhoenix94 chapter 6 . 3/27/2013
I love it. You, sir, have gained a follower. Also, is that Miraak in the cover? Or am I going delusional?
| FujikoIzu chapter 5 . 3/27/2013
Oh gosh, this is getting really dark :( I wonder what will happen next? I find myself being unable to predict this story...killing off/seriously wounding characters this early on is an interesting move and I actually quite like it.
I can't wait for the update! I'll be sitting here ready!
Can I make one request? Make sure Ardis gets a decent amount of screen time. If you're going to make her the love interest at any point (or even a recurring character), please make her scary awesome at something...THAT IS NOT BEING A HEALER. Think Arya Stark from a Game of Thrones. Now she is badass. Please don't fall into the trap of making your female characters support at best - you have to have at least one Bodaceia, even in a society like this. Women may not be physically strong but I think that we have a different kind of strength - we are very sneaky...and many of us are really good at manipulating others. Bear that in mind.
I WILL BE WAITING FOR THE UPDATE BRO!
| FujikoIzu chapter 4 . 3/27/2013
ELRIC. EDWARD ELRIC. Oh dear, I have watched way too much anime.
Well, you are certainly doing a good job of making it realistic. As painful as the rape references are, I think it's realistic in a society like this that it would have happened. A lot of people in this book really are very brutal - which is probably correct, considering that this is a medieval setting that reminds me of a slightly more dodgy Skyrim crossed with a Game of Thrones. Please don't put as many characters in here as a Game of Thrones has though. It's...kijflkajfkajlfjlakjfa not good.
I like the fact that your main character gets completely owned in the fight. It's realistic, given that he hasn't had training yet.
Also can I just say that your songs are AWESOME? Seriously, I LOVE THEM. Keep on with the random songs. It breaks up the text nicely.
You need to edit a little but this really is becoming one of my favourites. In fact, it gets a place on my favourites. FAVOURITED. BIATCH.
| Complex Variable chapter 2 . 3/26/2013
The third line of this chapter should not be separate from the second line.
[half of an hour scouring through the shack for the missing boy.] - - - "through" is redundant.
[He stepped into the shack once more, and his heart nearly jumped into his throat when a loud crash echoed through the room. ] - - - I would do "He stepped into the shack once more. His heart nearly jumped into his throat when a loud crash echoed through the room."
[a wooden broom ] - - - you can just say "wood broom", or even better, just "broom".
[he asked the girl as he sat beside her] - - - try "he asked, as he sat down beside her".
I like the humor in this chapter. It's very natural, and it helps establish a good, relaxed tone for the beginning of the story. You're not forcing anything onto the reader, and I appreciate that.
When you have Pell go out for a walk, you could add a bit more of a description of the setting; it's the perfect time to do so, don't you think? Don't just say that he went down the winding path, SHOW it. ;)
[The liarbird's ebony eyes were upon the apple in the boy's hand.] - - - this is phrased oddly. I would recommend using a different phrase than "eyes were upon".
["I finished forging the nail hours ago."] - - - I would do "I finished forging this nail hours ago."
[, and Pellegrin knew that something was the matter.] - - - You don't need this. The fact that he asks "What's wrong" communicates to the reader everything that this phrase says, and more.
Are you going to explain Shaela's significance later on? You should. It's an important detail for the reader to appreciate Pell's cultural background.
[The fishing pole began to shake rapidly,] - - - I would set this off as the start of a new paragraph. Also, you might want to consider describing their "fight" with the catch in a bit more detail.
[An hour passed and he had not caught a single thing, and he was forced to give] - - - maybe "An hour passed, without so much as a bite. He was forced to give" ?
[He left the fishing pole behind and returned to the forge.] - - - Meh, I'm not the biggest fan of just switching scenes like this, without so much as a description of the walk back—but, that's just me. ;)
I get that you're trying to add some foreshadowing and suspense through Beor's tale of the dog and the direspider, but, it feels forced, the way that you do it. It doesn't feel like a natural part of a conversation. Having it come up as one among several stories being told at a dinner or a party or something—maybe at that Fyre Festival!—that would feel more natural, I think.
[hell, he wished he'd at least been told what their names were. He longed to see their faces, but he knew that wish would never come true.] - - - Be careful! Do these people believe in a hell? If not, they can't say "hell"! Xo
[creatures were rising from the rock and holding his feet in place with searing claws] - - - I think this should be "creatures rose from the rock and held his feet in place with their searing claws"
Nice dream sequence.
I would add a bit more detail to the scene immediately after the dream sequence, but, that's just me.
["By the goddess," Ranolf said as he helped Pellegrin to his feet. "He's unstoppable. Give him a boat filled with twigs and point him towards Aria. Two days and the war's over; guaranteed. " The three boys laughed.] - - - I really like this. xD
["I'm just getting started!"] - - - I would add a dialogue tag.
[my skivvies!] - - - his what? xD
["The blademaster of Aria] - - - "blademasters"
I think the "I jest" line doesn't pack as much of a punch as it should. It feels to formal and olde-tyme-y. xD
I would probably try to include more of your characters' thought processes here—there feelings, their worriers, their hopes, etc.—especially Pell's. I quite like the idea of him making a sword for Vaan; I feel that it would be even better—and, a little less random—if you had Pell reflecting upon how he wants Vaan to become a blademaster—to achieve greatness—and, then, to have Pell ask Beor to help him make the sword for his friend. Doing it like that, I think, will show more of Pell's character and add an extra layer of depth and meaning to the wonderful gesture of giving Vaan "Oathkeeper".
As for the plot, this is, so far, very nice. Very naturalistic, very pastoral—yet, of course, with the hint of menace just over the horizon (i.e., the last scene). Good work.