|Reviews for The Sovereign Sword|
| Badlands chapter 3 . 4/16/2013
Once again I'm impressed by your descriptive, visceral writing. Every sentence is just enough to paint the scene for me without being excessive. I like the names you come up with for your characters, too.
I'm very fond of Pellegrin. Which is a plus. I find it hard to enjoy stories if I don't like the main characters!
I also still like that troublesome bird.
Hmm! I sense discord among the people. Very intriguing.
Lowborn affections?! Yikes! So a very class-based society, eh?
Ardis is right; history does have its contradictions. Listen to her, Pellegrin! I like that mess, but sometimes I want to smack him. BOYS. Ugh. (Hee hee.)
And aah! Now I want to read more about the golden-haired girl. Darn it, Gorilla0132, I have homework to do. Stop writing such interesting stories! (Just kidding of course. Please don't stop.)
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 1 . 4/16/2013
I like how the setting for this is really detailed. It really gives the world and therefore the story a lot of extra depth. Details like the unique names and descriptions contribute to this. I especially like the names Peleus and Pellegrin.
There is lots to take in here, although you do give away some nice clues about backstory within the dialogue. Using the drawings to do this is particularly effective. I
the rancid stench of meat and rum was thick on his form. [The description is really evocative- I could picture the character! However, I think the word 'form' sounds odd and a bit jarring here. 'Body' or even 'breath' might be better.]
The waves continued to smash against the hull. Fish with scales like glistening crystals leapt from the water in small packs and fell back down into the depths. [Good description. Short but poetic.]
Anyway, a dramatic ending- it has made me curious to read on.
| EdenbyNite chapter 2 . 4/14/2013
Sorry. That was a terrible copy and paste job. Here's the link: /for-writers/dialogue-tags-vs-descriptive-beats/
| EdenbyNite chapter 1 . 4/14/2013
Hi! So, I finally got over here to read your first chapter. I have to say, your story has a lot of potential. The beginning is filled with good dialogue, excitement, love, new life and death! Whew! You've already gotten a lot accomplished. By the end of the section, I felt the loss of the new parents, Peleus and Selena. If your reader gets the desired emotion from your story, then you have done a good job as a writer.
That being said, I do have a critique that you will hopefully find helpful. Go back and take a look at your dialogue tags. There are a lot of them, especially at the beginning. Quite a few are unnecessary or misused. But that is just one woman's opinion. Take a look as this link about dialogue tags (it was helpful to me when someone gave me a similiar critique) and see what you think.
Other than that, good start!
| Duelist Gal 12 chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
You're story is awesome so far. I can't wait to keep reading and see what happens next!
By the way, thanks for the awesome review. I'm trying really hard on the story.
| TS Conlon chapter 9 . 4/12/2013
This chapter was great! It was gripping, creepy, emotional, and surprising. Really nice job with this one, my friend.
I'm still wondering about Vaan, though. He's missing his right arm, which I assume is his sword arm. Will he become a strong warrior, or perhaps a lord or a tactician? Or will he somehow meet his end? Only time will tell, I suppose. I do have a question about his missing arm, though. Because it was hacked off so unceremoniously, does he have phantom limb syndrome? Does he miss his arm, want it back? Amputees often think they can still feel the limb, or feel great pain (usually psychosomatic) where the limb used to be.
Also, here are a couple errors I found, nothing too major. Mostly they are typographical and grammatical errors, but the first two are physeological errors.
-A single torch sat on an iron hook from the ceiling...: This is impossible because of what torches are. Also it's unwise to have an open torch to be hanging precariously from the ceiling on a ship of wood. Perhaps you meant lantern?
-The farm boy shrieked in agony as the air was knocked from his lungs.: A lack of air in the lungs makes it impossible to talk or scream.
-...certainly end hereunless...: There should be a space between "here" and "unless."
-...; his lungs inflating with pools of cold water.: Remember, all semi-colons can become periods, but not all periods can become semi-colons. That said, "inflating" denotes a shift into present tense, so it should be changed to "inflated."
-Gorgis nodded again."Aye.: There should be a space between "again." and "Aye."
-What a well,...: I have never heard this term before. Is it exclusive in Eos?
-"Thank ye, yer grace,"...: "Yer Grace" should be capitalized because it's being used as a proper noun, like a name. You make this mistake several times when the soldier is informing Freya of the incoming ship without sigils.
| Deathgodsato chapter 1 . 4/12/2013
this story has an interesting plot, characters that draw me in and make me want to keep reading and an atmosphere that keeps me wondering what will happen next.
| Corenttios chapter 1 . 4/11/2013
Awesome, I like where this is going and was it just me or did u put a Monty Python reference in there? :P
Can't wait to read the rest!
| Jave Harron chapter 3 . 4/11/2013
Okay, this chapter is reminding me of invasion literature to a point, genres focusing on a foreign army occupying your country. The scene with Boer and the soldier reminded me a bit of the Tomorrow series, if you've ever read that. The enemy commander is fairly interesting, but I'd like to see more of the protagonists. Still, Pellegrin seems rather impatient and rash, although he is a teenager.
| Alexandria Woolf chapter 2 . 4/11/2013
This is really good, I enjoy how the bird seems to tell the truth about everything.
| Jave Harron chapter 2 . 4/11/2013
Okay, a few points here. I noticed some grammar errors, but nothing significant. A lot of the names remind me of Skyrim a bit too much, and a character here has the same name as the protagonist of Final Fantasy XII (sadly reminding me of that travesty of a game). Also, why would Pellegin take Ausvendiir out to hunt with? Special hunting swords were utilized in the middle ages through the Renaissance, more giant utility knives or short sabers, intended to put wounded prey out of their misery. Ausvendiir seems more of a heavier, anti-personnel combat blade than a hunting implement. Although depending on what threshers are, such a weapon may be warranted.
| Jave Harron chapter 1 . 4/11/2013
Okay, you open up with an interesting premise. The characters seem to have fairly distinctive voices (a good thing when there is a lot of dialogue). I enjoyed the birth scene/fight the most this chapter. However, I have a few comments. There's not many metaphors or much descriptive writing, so some of the characters' physical features are not described too much. Likewise, there are some questions I had regarding Peleus' common sense (or lack therefore of). It was uncommon for historic soldiers to walk around in heavy armor, especially on a ship (where one quick slip means death by drowning). If they were expecting a boarding action or below decks shipboard engagement, shorter weapons and lighter armor were often preferred. Larger weapons were more likely to be used above decks (for instance, naval axes were used to chop down masts, boarding pikes were used to attack enemies with shorter weapons on an open deck, etc.). Likewise, walking around with a headband or something indicating his prior relationship or political status is a surefire way to draw unwanted attention. Even on smuggler and pirate ships, there would typically be an "unofficial" medical officer in the form of the ship's carpenter. The carpenter's tools could be pressed into service as surgical implements, given the barbaric state of medical knowledge at the time. While some vessels maintained separate individuals for each, many crews were not so fortunate.
| Jennythe3 chapter 2 . 4/10/2013
I personally loved the scene with the annoying bird in it. And the part where Pellegrin points out to the merchant that Irel has no king, and no horses.
This whole story is pretty amazing; the scenes flow together nicely as well. Keep up the good work
| Opheliac Wyrmwood chapter 1 . 4/10/2013
It certainly is an interesting story. With a lot of words. I almost forgot I was reading something here on Fiction Press and not an actual published novel. It's very professionally written. I liked it a lot. Can't wait to read more.
| Jennythe3 chapter 1 . 4/10/2013
Wow... This is a great start! I can't wait until I get through the rest of the chapters!