|Reviews for Observations of lunar activity|
| bleached by ink chapter 1 . 3/13/2013
"All young / son" Should that be 'sun', 'suns', or 'sons'? I think "all withering" could start a new line because it's a new item. There's a lot of commas in the poem and I think the end of "tongue" should have a period. "A world forgotten" could end with a dash as well. It gives a break in the poem like a comma, but a different type. It also highlights the next line. "the shutters rattle / in the morning wind storms" I'm not sure if that means if the shutters rattle in the morning's wind storms or the shutters rattle and in the morning the wind storms. Also, that line could end with a period, as the next stanza is very different. "we pulled each other closer once," could also end with a period and "the extra curricular lunar activity had nothing to do with it," can be split in half after 'activity'. I think it's a bit long as it is. I guess you don't like periods stylistically but I think it would really aide your poem if you used them. :)
It might help if you add a bit of description in the second stanza. It's fine the way it is, but a little more description might help make the theme clearer. It also switches perspectives from second person to first - there's nothing wrong with it, although I think it would be better if it was all in first person to clear up the issue of who's speaking.
I love how short yet strong this poem is. You've done an excellent job at painting the image of the sky and of breakup. The first stanza is unlike anything I've ever read before and uses very original metaphors. The poem barely hints at a love story, but it's reflective tone reminds me of a person looking back at a relationship that's ended. I love the second stanza and the line "hungry for the loss of you" - it seems to me that the breakup was not one of choice but the two partners didn't trust each other enough to make it last. That line implies a bit of masochism. However, my favourite stanza is the last one. It's so beautiful - short, sweet, perfect.
Overall, I think the poem concisely and beautifully portrays a breakup. The only steps for improvement I suggest is to use periods as well as commas, and to avoid overusing commas. It was an excellent poem overall. :)