|Reviews for Fallen Angel|
| BLOOD RED GEISHA chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
I saw two grammar mistakes you put " sent them to the tower" it should be "send them to the tower " the other one was some where further up , I forgot where. Very mysterious atmosphere and I loved the insight we get into the main characters thoughts , her emotions and so on. I wonder what else will happen.
| JWT chapter 1 . 6/28/2013
I really like the way you twisted the prompt so that they were not both survivors of the event. I'd love to see you develop this into a longer story so we can find out more about why the daemon has chosen her, what the accident was and what happened to Maria.
You have done a good job of using the present tense. I did spot some slip-ups, but given the length of the story there really aren't many. Here they are:
"I sit down hard and buried my face"
"For all I knew"
"as that thought entered my mind"
"We poison them or sent them to the Tower."
"this guy made me question"
"I narrowed my unseeing eyes."
"I chew my lip as I thought about it."
"and spat in what I hope is his face"
Other than the tense slips, I noticed a few typos and grammar issues:
"After that, darkness is all that there left." - Missing an "is".
"The longer I sit here that more the memories" - "the more".
"I snap back not adding that" - I think there should be a comma after "back".
"The voice falls silent. "Look, it's been a really rough day."
"You and me both," I mutter." - As he hasn't used "I", her responding with "you and me" doesn't quite fit. If he said "I've had a rough day" it would make more sense.
"It amazes me how easily someone's personality could change so easier." - I guess you've shifted the "easy" around in this sentance and forgotten to take the original one out (easily done - I do that sort of thing all the time).
"Could Maria be the kill who he killed?" - I assume you meant "girl".
One other comment is that you could emphasise her blindness more. She seems to be very sure of her movements, which doesn's seem realistic if you think about how slow and wary sighted people become in the dark or with a blindfold on.
Overall, as I said, I really like the concept of this story and I think it would be really great as a slightly longer piece with a bit more development. Good job and happy writing!
| NizumiBreathes chapter 1 . 3/28/2013
Nice work. :D I also like that you made her rely on her other senses, like hearing and feeling. It's a genius idea, actually.
Good luck with the contest.
| JustJazzyD chapter 1 . 3/22/2013
First thought that came to mind after reading this was "Hmm, interesting." I kept waiting for the mystery man to be a vampire but he wasn't! I also kind of wanted him to be a bit darker sooner. I love a good bad boy. He seemed a bit too easy going before he told the girl he was going to get her. To me the narrator seemed a bit young and slightly annoying. I didn't quite buy the fact that she was suddenly blind and walking perfectly down the beach without stumbling. However, with some more details, I think you could flesh this out to a short story. I want to know what happens next.
Good luck with the contest!
| Sahara5 chapter 1 . 3/21/2013
What a read! The twist at the end was a lot of fun. Also, the tense you wrote it in worked really well for the blind girl. I'm noticing that I am one of the few entrants that wrote the story from the PoV of the non-blind person. Good luck with the writing contest!
| okunoin chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
'Without mystery, there really isn't a reason to live.' - What a wonderful line this is :)
I enjoyed reading this, the narrative voice is really strong, good job!