Reviews for All That Glitters
Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 4/14/2013
Sorry this took so long. Real life is crazy right now.

[I remember thinking quietly] Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like one’s thoughts can’t really be loud for quiet

[the words come out one by one; life-is-funny] Another personal thing. But seeing the words connected with hypens makes me feel that the words are coming out as one instead of one by one, if that makes sense.

I really like this. I admit, when the blind man was seeing the broken puppet strings and what not, I was really confused. But with the second narrator, things become much clearer, and now I see as a whole how clever it is. I also like how in the second part, you really focus on the surroundings that the first narrator isn’t seeing.

I thought it was sweet how the second narrator doesn’t tell the blind one that he’s got it wrong. Like she’s doing this act of kindness for him even though, as she notes, they’re strangers.

I like abstract stuff and what you’re doing to heighten emotion, but I feel like the tone of the writing gets stretched in different places and I’m not really sure what I feel, or if I’m supposed to feel anything. The “do your best” that ends the first section, for example— put in there, it jumped out at me because I wasn’t sure where it's coming from, or whether it's more hopeful or hopeless.

Congrats on the win!
ResurrectedLight chapter 1 . 4/4/2013
Well, that's was... wow. You certainly have a natural talent for writing. A way with words if you will.

It was a bit disorienting at first, but I think that went toward helping with the over all feel of the story.

I like the abstract feel, the descriptiveness, the plot twist of the woman not being his wife, and then the stumbling upon the afterlife as a sort of civilization. It all makes for a wonderful one-shot.

Anyway, fantastic job! (as usual) Can't wait to read more from you!
okunoin chapter 1 . 4/3/2013
Thank you for voting everybody, I'm really chuffed :)
Scriptertwist chapter 1 . 3/31/2013
First, let me congratulate you on winning the contest! You definitely deserved it :)

Now, onto your story!

Your use of language is really skillful. You manage to captivate readers by using descriptive words. When I read your story, I was swept into it. I felt like I was drowning. It was very good.

With that being said, I did feel as though it could've flowed better. Though I understand the story was intended in a way to be emotionally jarring, it was disoriented in a way I feel was not intended. While reading the story I was often confused about what was occurring and where-why-how. It's fine to leave questions unresolved, but with the way the story was written- lots of loose strings, very emotional and vivid- a few sentences describing surroundings or circumstances would've been greatly illuminating and helpful.

The limit of 3,000 words undoubtedly made writing the story much more difficult, but with your story I feel like the limit worked in your favor. The rushed, disconnected style could draw first time readers in- however, be aware that consistently writing in the manner could deter potential readers.

I would also note the dialogue in the story. There was admittedly little, so I couldn't really get a grip on your style of dialogue. So a friendly note- make sure to make interaction not only personal (as you have done well) but also fluid and realistic.

With that being said, it was a very strong story and I would enjoy a continuation of it. Though it was confusing at times, it was also very intriguing and vivid. You really do have a terrific gift for capturing moments and making them feel real.
JustJazzyD chapter 1 . 3/22/2013
Thank you. Yes, that's what I want to say in my review. Thank you for sharing. This piece is beautiful, epic even. Expertly crafted, gently molded, creatively abstract. It was beautiful. So, thank you. Good luck in the contest!
MissIrralee chapter 1 . 3/21/2013
Wow; just wow. I really felt the pain of the characters, you did an absolutely brilliant job of bringing the story to life.
AlysonSerenaStone chapter 1 . 3/21/2013
Wow! Great job here! I also used present tense for this prompt, but I feel like you did a much better job than me. Great twist at the end! Good luck to you!
Sahara5 chapter 1 . 3/21/2013
That was intense! You certainly have a way with words. I love how this was written. I've never tried something so abstract myself. You really did an amazing job! Good luck with the contest.
kimberlykarlone chapter 1 . 3/21/2013
So well written that you can feel the pain and anxiety the characters felt, as well as the mental confusion of not knowing what exactly was happening. It would make total sense that if there is an afterlife, that any soul jarred away from life so abruptly (as would in a terrible accident as this) would be confused and not necessarilly able to accept what was happening.

Also the fact that the second character was not the first character's wife was a great twist, which contributed to this confusion. Most stories depict heaven and even hell as somewhat organised with guides ready and able to help you along at the exact moment of death but maybe that is not necessarily so. It did seem to take awhile before the Angels arrived but in the afterlife all time would be eternal so time would have no meaning. The idea that Angels would arrive in a boat at the beach is very intriguing as these supernatural beings would have to use settings and objects familiar to the recently deceased as to pychologically ease their shock into understanding and eventual acceptance.
An excellent story overall. I enjoyed it very much!
BelaLorelei chapter 1 . 3/20/2013
Such an amazing, fascinating piece. The way that you describe the characters and their plight is chilling, and very well crafted. The way their stories intertwine kept me interesting the entire time, no matter how short. The final paragraph is by far my favorite part of the story, though the revelation that the man did not find his wife was also written with such a beautiful style. Excellent, excellent work!
My.Writing.Is.My.Amulet chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
Beautiful piece! I am speechless!