|Reviews for Demon|
| Charlotte Miller chapter 1 . 3/24/2013
A good alternate hsitory story in the tradition of Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Graham is a very well defined character and you expressed his feelings of torure he endured throughout the process of turning. Just a few errors.
"I refuse to allow myself flinch." Need to add another "to" before flinch.
"Well, I'm Maltilda Blackwell, and here, we are constructing a virus." Seems the commas interupt the flow of the sentence even if used corectly. Suggest you reword.
"Well for starters she told me..." Unecessary as Grahm asked a question and she is obviously answering him, even if we know he is telling this story. Just say "she said."
"...my blood carrying the poisonous liquid through me, burning my bones, my muscles, my internal organs...etc. Overuse of the word "my" as its used in the next sentences a few times as well. Again, we know its his.
A couple of descriptive pararaphs ended with some dialogue. Suggest you space the dialogue away from the paragraph to make it easier to read.
"bump...bump..bump...bump...my heart hammered away..." Drop a couple "bumps" we get that he is anxious.
You use the term "psycho-bitch." Is that a word someone in the 18th century would use? I don't know. Seems a little out of historical step to me.
You mentioned he met his family at a train station. Were trains even around then and used during the mid 1700"s? I thought they traveled mainly by horse and coach back in those days.
Since Graham basically was hiding out in his cottage "living as a recluse", why would he so easily answer the door to strangers, especially during a severe storm? Also, after describing the downpour, you mentioned the strangers were soaked to the bone from the rain. Obviously. And how did Renke know where to find Graham in the first place since he was supposedly in hiding?
Otherwise, a very detailed and well constructed story.