|Reviews for Number 7|
| Kommissar chapter 1 . 6/4/2013
["You're late." He stated,]
Should be "You're late," he stated.
Even then, 'stated' is not the same as 'said'. Dialogue tags weaken the narrative. It's better to use 'said' in most cases.
Also be sure to start a new paragraph when you start a new topic or when someone else starts talking.
["I do not care for your excuses. I was to be home and in my room by now, so you have interrupted my schedule and it will have to be remedied."]
This sounds a bit forced and awkwardly phrased.
I'm sorry to say, but Lias sounds a bit pretentious, like every stock emo character ever. Not sure if he'll change or come to realize how he sounds like and how he's trying too hard to sound edgy and unique. Aside from that, the story does a lot of telling too, explaining things for the reader as opposed to showing them in the text.