ald134 chapter 1 . 5/7/2013
You kinda also put lol too much in your story. it kind as drags the story down.
ald134 chapter 1 . 5/7/2013
You have a great story, but you need to work on grammar. Your story also switches from first to third person a lot. This is constructive criticism so please fix your errors, you do have a pretty decent story though!
ZeeZe101 chapter 1 . 4/7/2013
I definitely see the effort in your writing.
However, it's severely lacking in refinement.

Your need to develop them through dialogue and actions, not just TELLING the reader about them.
Chet's nice? Don't tell me, show me. ("Chet stopped walking to help Anna pick up the papers she dropped.")

The story itself seems shallow; it moves way too quickly to be realistic.

Don't talk to the reader; you'll be able to express what you're thinking through the characters' actions and words.

Also, the spelling and grammar definitely needs a lot of work.
The formatting (ie. the spaces on both sides of commas) makes it difficult to read the story, of what I can understand.
Please, please, please do not use any informal speak (ie. LOL) in formal writing.

I recommend getting a beta reader to edit your stories, to check all the mechanics, and you can focus on content.