And so things come to an end.

Stuff that was awesome:
- the world, the way demons/departments/charms were presented
- Analysis
- The progression of discoveries during Jason's investigations
- the memorable one liners and descriptions throughout the manuscript.

Stuff that could have been more awesome:
- the pacing - it ended pretty abruptly, but I suppose that's nano.
- the focus on the main plot. At times the story did meander a bit as you dedicated whole chunks to explaining things in the world. I'm wondering if you could have incorporated those bits into the natural flow of the story more?

This is going in my favourites. Will you be working on this story further?

Augie

-Is it any wonder that most of as are now insane?- us?

Damn. I was wrong about Mallory. But interesting that I had thought that, and then this chapter cleared it up.

Also, I was confused about the whole Herald thing, but I went back and read it again. Right. Jason is the hero that is suppose to save them from the dragon. The herald is the dragon's buddy.

But of an easy defeat after such a build up.
Analysis is still the best thing ever to happen to this world.

Augie

Just when i thought that the situation was crazy-balls enough, you introduce outsider OCD. :D

I'd have to read through it all again to comment on the prophecy thing. Was the reader suppose to pick up clues about Jason being the herald? I'm the kind of person who needs things spelled out.

Also, reasons with the air? Talking to himself? What's that about?

...I just had a thought. Mallory. She's not real, is she?

Augie

-He she been in contact with them all along? -
had? I don't usually pick up on typos. :)

Love the little touches in this chapter like Gable's suit.

I'm wondering if it might have been better to introduce the Swanson's earlier and let that stew for a while before they escaped.

Things keep going wrong for Jason in the story. He finds something new, then he gets rolled.

Augie

I don't know if any school teacher would actually write down unflattering opinions of parents. They tend to be very careful about these sorts of things. They'll hint at it in conversations though.

I was pretty tense during part of this chapter - you managed to build up quite a bit of classic horror film tension in Abigale's house. Good job.

Wow, I thought, why is someone trying to kill Jason? And then the thing saves him, and I wonder how he's connected to the prophecy. The 'you are becoming' line is super ominous.

Augie

I bloody love Analysis and everyone in it. Just such a cool division - weighing up chances of predictions coming true as though they're looking at the weather.

The pace of this chapter is slower again. I like how each chapter reveals something more about the whole situation. Sometimes it feels as if it's a bit of a spiral; they revisit the same things again and again, and come away with a bit of new information.

If there is the potential of an outbreak, wouldn't there be more investigators on the job? I don't have a reference for how effective other investigators might be, so I don't know where Jason and Mallory sits in terms of skills/ranking etc. I suppose if they were important enough to sit in the meeting with Conrad, they are probably pretty good - but there's no reference for their skill compared to others.

Mallory seems to be a bit of a sounding board for Jason - She is a typical sidekick.

Augie

Looks like things are coming to a head. Great world building here. Though there were mentions of it through the story, I feel as though CH9 an 10 is where the contrast is really made between the city and the hill-billy country. Gaulichu again highlights the unique way in which demonic possession is presented in this world.

I wonder if Mercury could sound any more like a crazy person? :)

I have no doubt that shit is about to go down. What will be Jason and Mallory's part in it all? I'm very interested in what's going to happen. I've kinda got the end of CH 5 still in the back of my mind - that hasn't been mentioned or resolved yet. I wonder if Jason's more connected to this than just an investigator.

Augie

I like the mix of charms and guns. It made the Parish fight seen so much more brutal. And among all the death, someone flailing like a gold fish... that is a unique touch. :)

Is it just me, or does the while Analysis department just get crazier and crazier? I like how the match thing ties in so well now. I'm interested in seeing how the other items of the package will be useful. I love how the department overall goes about its business. It's off tempo to the other departments, but oddly efficient.

Augie

Esochronography - yet another awesome concept. I think what makes it is the names you come up with for these areas.

There's so much risk associated with this work. I wonder what Jason and Mallory's motivations are to do it. Jason's character is well established now, I feel. Mallory is getting there. Plot is coming along nicely.

Granted, I haven't read a lot of urban fantasy, but I have to say that this story's approach to magic is unlike anything that I've read before.

Augie

I like how much Jason goes into impromptu undercover mode. That's become his thing.
I re-read the dragon-knob line. Then I laughed and read it out loud to my friend who also laughed.

Jason's characterization is really becoming quite strong. I'm getting a better sense of who he is, and feeling more concern for his well being/attachment to the story. Whereas before my interest was more plot and world driven, now I'm finding myself more aligned to the character's cause.

Oh! cliffhanger! I have a love-hate relationship with cliffhangers. Hate when I have to wait to find out what happens. Love when I can just go to the next chapter cause it's already posted. :D

Augie

-actual cream from a legitimate cow- as opposed to a illegitimate cow. ;)

Julius and Connor make a comic pair.

The tone in this chapter is a lot lighter. To me, the Abigail scene had been gritty and dark, like any scene from silence of the lambs, but the lizard man scene had a more action-comedy feel.

Augie

I don't want to keep repeating the same sort of comments, but I really like your descriptions of things.
-lifted them like cobblestones, inspecting the damp earth underneath- great imagery. Every other line is like this. It's great. That spider line about Umberto too... can't find it again, but awesome.

-"Missed me, have you?" a voice whispered by my ear, and I blacked out.- Arg! wtf is happening! When he's unconcious, is he just slumped on the floor, or is he prowling the streets and doing things but just can't remember?

I get a lot more of a sense of Jason's character here. Umberto's a gem. I wonder what his interest in Jason is.

Augie

Parapsych is an awesome concept. Twenty clients a day? That's a shit ton.

Ectoseismography is also an awesome concept. Showing off, much? ;) Love the foreshadowing. Something like this is bound to be plot relevant. :)

I love the 'day off' and the whole 'we are civilians' pretense. Just a thought - you could have a bit more fun with it by making it less obvious at the end of CH3 - i.e. Jamal tells them to take the day off, but the secretary hands them the folder on the way out.

There's really a lot of golden eggs in this story. The world is so rich. How was it built? Did you do it on the fly? Or did you spend time creating it first before you writ the story?

Gotta pace myself. Will be back again soon for more.

Augie

Ok. Analysis. Sorry I got that wrong in the previous review. Re-read the chapter.

I think the exorcism was the best part of the story so far. The descriptions were so visceral. Beats the hell out of drinking tea in the morning.

If I were to give any cc, it would be that I'm not getting a feel for Jason's character yet - he seems like a bit of a prop used to move the story forward. Same with Mallory. I don't know much about either of them. The interpersonal stuff is forming slowly but nicely - they obviously care about each other. Have they partnered for long?

Plot thickens with a second entity at Abigail's house. :)

Augie

Ah, you gotta love a classic chair swivel character reveal. ;) I like how you introduced the Analyst as a bit crazy - I suppose people who see visions would be.

And then shit gets real! If there wasn't another 14 chapters already posted, I'd be worried. ;)
I'm guessing there's no hope for Abigail at this point. Poor girl.

I will sleep now and return again to read more.

Augie