|Reviews for Clan Havoc (NANO 2013)|
| OwlofArtemis chapter 1 . 12/12/2014
Very nice first chapter- loving it all so far!
| Ninja Goldfish chapter 25 . 11/16/2014
Fabulous. Absolutely fabulous. I'm so sad that it's over. I read it all in under 24 hours. There were a few little grammar mistakes that just got missed in editing, but I have no other complaints. I felt that your characters were very realistic and had believable thoughts and actions. The one thing I'm still a bit confused on is why Ciwaldyr opened the gate in the first place? I'm crossing my fingers for a sequel or a prequel maybe!
| doomboom chapter 26 . 2/23/2014
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED? Aha, just kidding. Although imo, the ending was a bit rushed, but maybe that's just me wanting to see more of Steve...will there be a sequel or maybe a spin-off set in this world? Might I suggest a Kit spin-off?
| doomboom chapter 22 . 2/6/2014
OHMYGOODNESS please tell me you'll be updating this soon! If not, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to wait a thousand years for another chapter, it's just that good. The plot is fantastic. I love the parallels/contrasts between Steve and Sedryn; that's some alter ego, eh? I've always enjoyed reading your stories, please keep them coming!
| JenniferManning chapter 16 . 12/14/2013
Please tell me that is not the end...
| Jack Argyle chapter 4 . 5/4/2013
Great pacing in this chapter; everything was tight-knit and the action clear. I like Morgan almost as much as I like Bryce, I think, and again, your little snippets of past history - Booger Joe's in this case - work very simply yet very effectively to turn your characters into more than just names on the page...screen.
I thought there'd be more of an outcry when Alexi was shot, as that seemed to pass without much shock slash horror being displayed by the other characters. I was waiting for Steve's thoughts on seeing the blood and what not and realising that they were up against people taking things to lethal extremes. Same thing with the elf towards the end - "He was a real Elf with very convincing, and potentially very deadly magical powers." If I was Steve, I'd be saying something like "HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT" as soon as I saw the lightning ball, even if I was bleeding profusely.
A small thing:
"And as for you, "King" of Arcadia" - I think when you decide between " or ' to initiate lines of speech, then the opposite should be used for all other instances where quotation marks are required.
And 'Fuck the cops!' - if only 'cops' had been 'police', then Bryce would have been quoting N.W.A. Just the thought of that kid throwing out lines of gangsta rap has me smirking, and then imagining him doing it while in a fantasy land...I can't think of a greater mental image than an awkward ginger spitting out verses of Tupac and Coolio while surrounded by elves.
I'm really looking forward to seeing how the 'true' Arcadia shapes up. Your band of noble heroes have assembled, time to embark them on a quest!
| Jack Argyle chapter 3 . 5/1/2013
It was great getting to know the other characters - you've given them a lot of depth and believability with their histories. Your writing style continues to impress me in that it's fairly unadorned but very effective in getting the action across. Also, the general premise is coming together very nicely, not too rushed either so that by the time they headed into the woods I had already forged an attachment with your noble band of heroes, and even Bill.
"My pocket faerie told me." - again, I like your little fantasy twists on normal things.
Let's see what mystic dimensional portals they encounter in the forest.
| Jack Argyle chapter 2 . 4/30/2013
Tourettes MacThoi is an amazing name. Also, 'a nail salon run by a Vietnamese woman who'd once walked the earth with the dinosaurs' - very nice. Including that poor ginger, you have some creative ways of getting appearance across.
Yet another thing that jumped out:
'A stack of newspaper employment adds were sitting on the kitchen counter. They were untouched, sitting in the exact place where Steve had left them when he'd gone into work ten hours ago. The milk was also sitting on the counter' - there just seems to be a noticeable amount of sitting going on here. Not a big issue, but repetition in the same paragraph does catch the eye and halts the flow a bit.
You've set up Steve's little world very thoroughly, and I can't wait for more of his squire, and definitely more of Dave, though especially Bryce. I hope his obeying of road rules carries onto his behaviour on the battlefield and life in general. If not, then no biggie - a ginger in a fantasy world is still something I haven't seen before and a definite drawcard. I also liked the mother, though I thought you could have dealt with her a wee bit more subtly in parts.
But as for forging a protag that you can get behind: mission accomplished.
| Jack Argyle chapter 1 . 4/30/2013
Loved the way you introduced the protag of this prologue, loved the way they engaged in over the top ye olde speech, loved the casual narrative voice, and I especially loved the mental image of an army sounding like Bruce Lee.
Admittedly I was a little overwhelmed by the number of characters I met, and some of the paragraphs didn't seem to flow as well as others, but these minor quibbles aside I don't think I had any problems digesting things. Someone less familiar with the concept of LARPing might have been a bit more lost than myself, though, but no doubt you'll give the activity more depth as the story continues. After all, prologues are meant to be a bit confusing; it's like an unwritten law.
Another thing that did jump out:
"If we won, I'll have all the time I need to make more. If we lost… I'll be really pissed" - just a little tense confusion here, me thinks.
And I think we all await the the second coming of Cary Elwes. Soon he'll be in the spotlight again, and won't it just be glorious. This was a great start, and I can already see myself enjoying the interactions between the main characters and those in the fantasy world yet to come. And I'm behind Steve all the way, and I haven't even met the guy yet. I guess it's just his name.
| Jaymzy chapter 7 . 4/28/2013
It actually bothers me that not a lot of people have found this yet.
It deserves fame.
You are awesome!
don't give up.
I love how everybody thinks that Steve is this badass, when he has no idea what he's doing.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
| Philip Ury chapter 6 . 4/24/2013
I really, really love this story of yours, Emerald Viper. You put a lot of time and effort into making Steve and his friends feel real. Besides making me care about them quite a bit, it actually made it a bit surprising when they were transported into a fantasy world. I know you told us they were going to enter a mystic realm in the description, but your vivid descriptions of their LARPing almost made me think you were being figurative. You've done some great build-up work here, and I can't wait for future chapters. Could I share this on a Tumblr blog I just set up?
| Jaymzy chapter 6 . 4/15/2013
(Sorry, I'm at school)
Awesome chapters yet again!
I would love to actually have this book in my hands.
This is fantastic, keep up the good work!
| Jaymzy chapter 2 . 4/13/2013
Amazing! I love Steve so much! I want to be his friend. lol
I would love to be a part of such an epic LARP... It's pretty bad when my fantasy is to have a fantasy.
The world you've created is incredible, and you're character's are so believable, they are all so perfect.
I wish I could read on...
I can't wait for the next chapter!
| Jaymzy chapter 1 . 4/6/2013
I love this!
I, personally, am not a LARPer. I would love to, but my girlfriend is embarrassed enough. lol
I love how you have it told as if everything was real, but adding in the "Oh yah, this is pretend" moments.
I love this story and am going to follow it for sure!