Reviews for The White Death's Chorus
WolfGoesBaa chapter 1 . 5/25/2018
Before I get back to where I was with Soul Anomaly, I thought I'd do something... evil (puts pinkie in the corner of his mouth) Muhwhawhawha! I'm going to review a story that's either the first posted or has not been updated in a long time. Apparently, this is the last story on your profile list so... here we go!

To be honest, whenever I see 'religion' in a story, I cringe and I avoid but I committed myself to this. It actually was not too bad. I enjoyed it and am partly sad that it was a one-shot, however it was a good one-shot. It did not feel as if it was missing anything. Orphan is a weird name and a good character. A priest in faithless times hunting demons? Cool! I'm glad I read this
lirianstar chapter 1 . 10/15/2017
Interesting take on the science-religion debate. I like this. Very constatine-vibes!
TotoDaDog chapter 1 . 4/3/2016
This sounded really interesting to me by the summery. It kinda sounded like an end-of-the-world kinda thing, you know?

I really like it! You really should write more about it :) First of all, i really like starting poem thing. Cool way to start! It sets te tome nicely, i think. My first thought as I started reading was, is the doctor a kind of king? Because the girl bows to him. XD Just thought it was kinda funny.

I like how in the end, it's the priest that saves the boy. I love the theme: no one likes him, they all think he's a bad person, but he still saves the day in the end. Good job! It's kinda like the underdog winning, you know?

Anyway, loved it! Write more!

-Toto
Monty Mason chapter 1 . 8/3/2015
Hello,

Now just to throw this out here, some things may sound harsh in my review but they’re not written with the intent to discourage you. The content in the review is only written to help you improve.

Seeing as how this story is completed, I won’t look into the technical side as I would more into the story telling and characterization. The only time I may mention something on the technical side is if the issue breaks the flow and or immersion of the story.

This story has a good mixture of action and dramatic elements. One major weakness I feel this story is weighed down by however is Rita’s weak helpless character during the fight sequences. Obviously it shouldn’t be expected of her to be as strong or agile as Orphan but she should have the fight or flight response in her, which would cause her to run as far as possible without having to completely abandon her brother.

Character development while lacking was easily overshadowed by the good plot. The plot development was very well handled. The story sounds very interesting as if it is expanded upon, you can easily explore ideas on comparing medical science vs. supernatural beliefs. Although I do feel that as a one shot it is better as it maintains its interesting points all the way to the end without compromising anything in favor of bland plot points (as we may sometimes see in longer stories).

What you can improve on:

1 – World building. I wasn’t sure if this story is set in the present times (an alternate world), past times or the future. Seeing as how Orphan talks about the witch trials as though it didn’t happen too long ago, I’m guided to believe that this story takes place in the past. Establishing facts such as these can help improve the overall state of your stories.

2 – Character Development: While this is a one shot, I’m sure there could’ve been something your characters could’ve advanced on. Rita is sort of an exception here as by the end she begins to see Orphan who is from the church as a hero, but then again it sounded like she had a neutral outlook on this issue from the beginning. There could’ve been development on Orphan’s part potentially showing ruthless behavior towards the Devil. But quickly switches to his compassionate self when about to kill the Devil as he come to a certain realization, but due to the harm they’ve caused to humans he still has to kill them.

What you did well on:

1 – Story: The story is really good. Heck if you were to roll this as a first chapter to a bigger story, I would say it is better than “Love Thy Vampiress” chapter 1. There is just a lot more to get out of this story, so many things one can think about while reading this story.

2 – Pacing: This is very well handled as I never felt the story was rushed or too slow.

3 – Character Dialogue: Now this point for the most part is great, there were some dialogues that felt like they might’ve been in there either for the cool factor or just to potentially fill an awkward silence. Some of the dialogue didn’t feel needed as I felt their characters would’ve have changed much without them anyways.

Overall: This is a really good one shot! Honestly much better than “Love Thy Vampiress” if I’m to compare chapter 1 to chapter 1. This is a good opening to a potentially longer story should you choose to expand upon it. The story itself feels as though its written for slightly mature audiences as well due to its content matter (not just supernatural action and simple or plain characters), which I loved by the way.

This story also shows your strengths as a writer as it feels thought-out and organized (little to no improvisation can be detected here).

Hopefully this review helps you in considering what you can improve on for future stories should you decide not to touch this one anymore.

Kind regards,

~ Monty Mason
My21Heartbeats chapter 1 . 10/27/2014
You tend to tell more than show at certain times, but it's okay all great writers make this mistake at times :) Use more active verbs when depicting a fight scene because it will give it more of an in real time feeling. I like the storyline and the characters so far and I'm interested in knowing more about this world that you've created. Plus, I have this article that explains how to write an excellent fight scene; I'm not saying that yours are bad or anything but I know fight scenes are hard for me so it might be able to help you if you need it. PM if you want the link to the article.
RTK chapter 1 . 6/4/2014
Very, very interesting story. What a concept, wow. This was a fun read especially because some parts of the internet that I frequent tend to be a little anti-theistic. In the end it's not religion or science that causes you to do good or evil, it comes down to human nature. I really wish this weren't a oneshot because I enjoyed every moment of it.
Rogue Melody Angel chapter 1 . 2/8/2014
This was quite a brilliant read a few mistakes such as "His faces" should be face's but I think it'll be better written as "His complexion was already returning." there are mostly only these kind of mistakes, but like me now only remembering the last one I found, I can say this - it doesn't hinder how one reads the story.

I like the fact you compared the priest with the doctor at the end one after money and the other truly wanting to help; both should want to help. But it is as said most only help when money is involved. You actually also made me be reminded of the mid-evil times of how the Roman Catholic Church was back then (according to my history research).
xxxyx chapter 1 . 10/24/2013
Hm. The poem at the beginning sounds eerie.

Orphan. That's a weird name...

Ah, this strongly reminds me of the theme of The Exorcist and the kind.

Dialogue is average, but that's my (probably inaccurate) opinion. Your narration is better though.

Nevertheless, a really interesting idea. I was at first doubtful that something of 2k words could hold this much intrigue.
Guest chapter 1 . 10/20/2013
This is really good. I love how you played on human dynamics like that!
Draphy chapter 1 . 10/20/2013
This is really good. I love how you played on human dynamics!
*I accidentally posted a review without noticing I wasn't logged on, I'm not sure if the other review was posted, so this was what I said.
Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 4/8/2013
First of all, great idea. This is a very interesting premise and I would love to see more. The irony of the spiritual being right while medicine being wrong is very intriguing in the way it completely flips everything over.

I also can't help but make comparisons to the Black Death, and the way many Europeans turned to religious explanations as to why they were being struck down so indiscriminately. Even that chorus at the beginning is highly reminiscent of Ring a Ring o' Roses slash Ring Around the Rosie.

The fight was good. Kept me on the edge of my seat, the pacing was snappy, and the choreography was solid.

Hopeful to see more. The prose was a bit rough around the edges at times, but I think a good beta reader should be able to help sort that out. Happy writing!
Luna's Child chapter 1 . 4/7/2013
This was a very interesting story. I liked the general idea, and you made the plot flow smoothly. You should definitely continue on with it. :)
Nightless chapter 1 . 4/7/2013
I actually decided to read this randomly and MAN! It was better then I thought it would be. The story has interesting background to it. I really wish this wasn't one part. Please do tell me if you continue. This idea has such great potential! The only downside was there were some minor grammar issues. With a little thought thinking, you could get a whole story out of this. GOOD JOB!