Reviews for Our Sky's Broken Stars
Y. S. Wong chapter 3 . 9/16/2013
I just finished scolding Jax about this the other day, but semicolons:

" Their fear; swells up like a storm, not knowing where their future lies. " Semicolons are meant to separate two complete thoughts (sentences), so using them to separate fragments like this aren't technically grammatically correct. This wasn't the only example in this chapter, but here, you can either just eliminate the semicolon or to get the effect I think you were going for...

"Their fear-it swells up like a storm, not knowing where their future lies." or else "Their fear... it swells up like a storm, not knowing where their future lies."

" The guards escort me into the throne room and stopping on either side of me, they kneel respectively to the King, "We have brought her as you requested your majesty." they report simultaneously. "

Period and comma should be switched, so that it's "...they kneel respectively to the king. 'We have brought her as you requested, Your Majesty,' they report simultaneously." By the way, Your Majesty or His Majesty are capitalized.

Oho, King Draven is a scary old man. A lot of delicious irony here too, as The Boomer might say. The Lilith, the murderous beast, looking down upon the King of Capricorn for his savagery after having just killed a man without batting an eye. Makes you wonder who is the real savage here. Great ironic contrast. Your writing's always just full of this sort of thing, Asa.

Oh snap. That threat he made about Malcolm. Draven is a slimeball indeed.

This is turning into something like a Disney plot, though. The evil Thing turning into a princess? Yep. Although you've got some darker undertones to this story which I like. Also really enjoyed the back and forth between Lilith and Lyle about what makes a lady.
Jax Creation chapter 1 . 9/13/2013
I've said it once and I'll say it again, I love your writing :3 Your present-tense is beautiful, thoughts and exposition worked seamlessly through the plot.

I don't know why, but I disliked Liam from the moment he was introduced w I don't know if it's because he's a prince and he's so pragmatic towards Lilith, or if it's because he just comes off as an arrogant noble.

" The fifth chair is empty as a grave, just like every year."
—How ominous... O.o

Aaah, so she is the King's unofficial executioner. A tool to control the others with fear. Lilith's existence is too sad QAQ Whyyyyy, Asa-hime?!

And that cliff-hanger ending. w

– Typos and corrections –

*A couple of small sparrows [swoop] up and down lazily

*"Lilith, y[-]your morning meal[,]" [a] voice says shakily.

*But other times, [it is] like the thick rope the King uses for execution.

*If I calculated correct[ly], today's the Royals Festival.

*I open my eyes to see the first prince of Capricorn, Prince Liam[,] standing in the doorway
—You can also use the term [crown prince] if he's the heir to the throne :3

*because rumor has it that only [persons] with royal Capricorn blood can conquer me in a battle.

*" I step aside so all he [catches] in his arms [is] air. "

*Tense: I hate [these] moments the most. More than the whippings I get, the beatings, the insults, and the emptiness. It [is] a deed that [cannot] not be undone. But I of all people should know freedom does not come easy.

*Tense: As three more prisoners [lie] cold on the ground with the first one, the crowd [stares] in disbelief. I [have] not moved from my position at the center of the circle since we began.

*Tense: I [cannot] not see his face or any distinct characteristic due to the hood and mask he is wearing, similar to mine. The guards [are] just about to shout out at him before he disappears, right before my eyes.
kingofe3 chapter 3 . 8/10/2013
King Draven is a cunning bastard. Haven't seen many villain written like him. That's awesome that you did that.

Nice little foreshadowing to show his son is much like in a way.

Not much of a surprise Lilith has to dress up. Can't wait till next chapter. :)
BabyChan12 chapter 3 . 7/28/2013
I said I'd read the day before yesterday (I think Dx) but I never did. Waah, I'm so lazy sometimes.
Anyway, another nice chapter. Lilith reads books? I did not expect a library or anything like that to be there in her jail... Or is it that she's allowed to go to the library or something?
King Draven is well, an asshole as always. You did an awesome job on making him such a (insert bad word) villain! I hate him to death.
Just one typo here: "You won't go as the Lilth -" He says as if he read my thoughts. - Lilith ;)
Expecting your new chapter soon
I want Prince Lyle to fall in love with Lilith- /shot
Katsurou Shimizu chapter 3 . 7/24/2013
Ah, no problem, Asaria. I expect your next chapter to be up in 24 hours time ;)

Alright, since I've read this a while ago, I decided to reread all 3 chapters once more, and...

*engages fanboy mode*

I just loooove how you seamlessly integrate those bits of sensory details into your poetry-like narration; the shadowy presence of the castle, the repugnant breath of the King etc., that really make for an easy and immersive reading experience (Which is pretty much what I've said for your other story but I figured I'll just reiterate it here for the purposes of padding the review).

And of course, the character herself, Lilith. I really have a soft spot for the reluctant killer archetype, and having her thoughts interspersed with the action does help a lot in getting the reader to empathise with her plight. Her moments of cruel mischievousness (e.g. stepping on someone's fingers) and sarcasm really adds that special spice and makes her character all the more interesting.

One thing I did notice in this chapter though is how you have considerably cut down on the monologues, which I feel is a good move, since the action and the banter itself helps in relating Lilith's sentiments about the situation and the people she interact with. And of course, it improves the flow of the read even more. But as Wong has mentioned, don't cut it out completely, since it's an unique hallmark of your writing.

And quotes from this chapter:

[And they wonder why King Draven has so many enemies.]
[I think of my training sessions; fighting seven or eight fully armored men and walking away without a scratch. Perfect harmony, indeed.]

- Perfect examples of how you utilise irony as sarcasm and a humor device. Nice touch ;)

I really want to see how Prince Lyle is going to utilise his taming tactics and of course, the transformation that Lillith has to undergo for the assassination attempt. It could help generate some useful research material ;)

In other words, update soon!

["a princess."]
- 'A'

[he cannot possibly know that his father is setting me up to commit murder]
- missing full-stop.

[My eyes flash up to the king's and I fury envelopes me.]
- 'I' is redundant.

["Women are meant to be beautiful, and beauty gives people strength"]
- Missing exclamation mark.
BabyChan12 chapter 2 . 7/9/2013
The captain is such a nice person. It's really a good thing that Lilith has someone like that near her. And she's escorted to the games by the Prince, but not back, huh. O.o

I still want to know who King Rolen is T.T I didn't get it yet.

And this is what I thought was wrong, I might be wrong myself though Dx
1. "...and now the other eleven Kingdoms will be even wearier of us" - I think the word should have been 'warier'
2. "They believe all of King Draven's soldiers could fight like I." - going with your previous sentence, shouldn't the tense be simple future? Like, 'they will all believe' or something?
3. "It is a rather unforgivable insult for a King to have his eyes on another country's queen." - I'm not too sure, but the insult should be to the other country's king right? Not to the one who has set sights on another country's queen.
4. "A tiny knot in a strand of thread can ruin the most stunning of masterpieces." - going with the previous sentence, I think it should be 'could ruin'
BabyChan12 chapter 1 . 7/9/2013
Waah, your writing IS awesome, like I say. xD
The story itself has a nice premise, and I guess any reader would feel sorry for Lilith... Now I can't kill her off T.T /shot

And, King Draven and King Rolan... I think I lost myself. They are two people right...? Which one is the King of Capricorn? Or is he some totally irrelevant king... *hits herself* I suck, I know.

And there two typos in the last paragraph, just gonna point them out
"I realize his breathe isn't even quickening" - breath
"before making an ach with my back" - arch

I think there were problems with the tense, but I couldn't exactly pinpoint where, sorry. Dx
cud-b-better chapter 2 . 5/19/2013
I feel pretty sympathetic for her. I truly am hoping she will escape soon. I get the feeling that masked man will probably play a bigger part in the story.
Y. S. Wong chapter 2 . 5/12/2013
Here comes the review train!

A few more proofreading errors than usual in this chapter. Also tense consistency issues. For example:

"The astonishment in the prisoner's eyes slowly transforms into slight amusement, upon discovering the face of the faceless phantom to be one of a young girl. I tug the mask back up again hastily before the crowd could see, unable to breathe for just a moment. I punch the face in front of me trying to make him forget, and in response the body goes completely limp. Blood stained his mask, and the whole arena is silent. The crowd began to cheer."

Should be "before the crowd CAN see." Also should be "stains" and "begins." These are errors to be wary of when writing in present tense. Eventually you get used to it. (I'd also recommend changing "I punch the face" into a stronger description, but that's another issue.)

Lmao at how the Phoenix War started. Tsk, tsk.

DAT NOSTALGIA AGAIN. Your greatest strength is easily in setting that nostalgic mood that draws readers in with a feeling that I don't really have words to describe. It makes your writing relatable and draws upon feelings and emotions that the reader might have. It's a talent not every author has, so well done. Perhaps you might want to experiment with setting different moods to mix things up a bit as well.

I do think you have a tendency to get stuck in stream of consciousness mode a little bit though, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something to think about. It can get a little bit telly having these big blocks of text instead of action. It's part of what makes your style great and unique though, so I wouldn't say get rid of it entirely.

Anyway, that was an optimistic way to end the chapter. I like it, especially since I've been up to my ears in works with much darker themes lately. That last sentence especially was very well done. Speculation: Our numero uno homegirl is a princess. PRINCESS!

Phew. Anyway, hopefully this review helps! I tried to sneak in some thoughts on how you could improve. I probably could have been a lot more detailed, but I preferred to give you some more big picture things to think about instead. Ciao, and happy writing! (Especially since it's been a while since you last updated. ;))
kingofe3 chapter 2 . 4/14/2013
Such a dark, but refreshing theme to it. I like it. Keep it up.
Purpletastic chapter 2 . 4/14/2013
Yes, hope "hope is the only thing stronger than fear"-President Snow (hg!) will be waiting for next chapter :)
kingofe3 chapter 1 . 4/11/2013
Wow, this is quite interesting! The actions are well detailed and precise. I'm liking the scenery of the story so far and the main character's past is very interesting. Keep up the good work.
Marcus K chapter 1 . 4/8/2013
love the story
Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 4/8/2013
This is so different from Girl in the Mirror, and yet so similar in a way as well. The setting may be different, but your style and the themes you touch upon still manage to shine through. That's the mark of a versatile writer.

What I like is that you use the stream of consciousness to focus on the thoughts and feelings of Lilith, as opposed to orienting the focus of your story on the actual action itself. Not everyone would prefer that, but it's refreshingly different from what I usually read and I think it's become something like your signature style. When I read this, I know that I'm reading a Princess Asaria piece.

As for the contents of the story, I like the contrast between Lilith and the prisoners she fights. On the one hand, there're the prisoners who are fighting for their freedom; on the other, there's Lilith, who's fighting just so she can live another day in captivity. Interesting contrast.

And a cliffhanger ending! I am proud, woman.
Purpletastic chapter 1 . 4/7/2013
I love this story! Very action-y, this is awesome-tastic :D
30 | « Prev Page 1 2