Reviews for San Francisco Stranger
Lynn K. Hollander chapter 7 . 10/4/2013
I walked in the front door with a determined smile on my face I proceeded to the front desk, "hey there Debby, I would like to draw up some adoption papers please." -Try: I walked in the front door with a determined smile on my face I proceeded to the front desk, "(CAPITAL LETTER TO START THE SENTENCE) Hey there(COMMA, after interjections), Debby, I would like to draw up some adoption papers(COMMA, after interjections), please."

"Welcome to Kelly's," she says not realizing me yet, "oh, back so soon? And who is this?" Why the sudden shift into present tense?

Again, this seems not to have been edited at all.
Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 9/20/2013
I awoke with a start, to a sound that I have yet to name and I lay awake and wonder what I was doing up at three in the morning. It was raining outside, I could hear the patter on the window in my little tiny flat in the middle of San Francisco. I snuggle closer to Leah, my dog, and hope to fall back asleep after being awaken for reasons unknown. -Very erratic verb tenses. The shift from present to past seems senseless.
I finished my tea and went back into my apartment to get ready for the day, "well Leah I'll get you some breakfast and I'll take my shower then we will be off." -Dialogue tags have a standard form: The verb 'say', who said it, and what was said. Here, there's no 'say' or any synonym of 'say', and this: 'I finished my tea and went back into my apartment to get ready for the day' is simply a bit of narrative. It should have a period. This is dialogue: "well Leah I'll get you some breakfast and I'll take my shower then we will be off." - but it needs editing: "(CAPITAL LETTER TO BEGIN A SENTENCE)Well(COMMA, FOR INTERJECTION), Leah (ANOTHER COMMA TO CLOSE INTERJECTION OF DIRECT ADDRESS), I'll get you some breakfast and I'll take my shower then we will be off."

This doesn't seem to have been edited at all.
Guest chapter 5 . 4/12/2013
This is amazing