|Reviews for Chromia -A little caged life-|
| Lolitroy chapter 13 . 9/13/2013
Updaaaaate! *throws party*
Oh, finally, someone's going to talk to Ame... maybe...?
| Y. S. Wong chapter 1 . 7/5/2013
You've got a good theme going on here about the good and bad faces of people. It's a good theme to build upon and one that I don't see as often. That's definitely something that I'd be interested in seeing you developing further.
I don't really see how the monster thing comes into play. Why would the other kids call the narrator a monster? Unless there's something that we don't know about? I think you could have made that clearer.
About your narration. I like it generally; your style has a slight nostalgic and introspective feel that reminds me a bit of another author I've read on this site. But I think it gets a bit tell-y. It sounds like I'm being told what happened instead of experiencing the action firsthand. It's like the difference between watching a scene develop from the middle of the action vs. watching it through a glass window from afar.
Anyway, I'll be reading more later! And if I don't come back, you can feel free to bug me about it until I do. ;) Happy writing!
| Gumicchi chapter 1 . 5/31/2013
Hi hi I'm gonna correct your mistakes as I go through the chapters okay?
naturally when one kid starts pretty much everyone will follow the "flow". (x)
naturally when one kid starts pretty much everyone will follow the "flow." (o)
-The punctuation should be inside the bunny ears (" ") and I call them bunny ears cause I have a Chinese background and I do not know what are their correct names. Who cares anyway xD
I fell and he started again to bully the girl. (x/o) - This means it's not right or wrong okay.
I fell and he started to bully the girl again. (o)
-I am a bloody grammar nazi xD but oh well, I just feel that this looks right. Okay. Again, I am Chinese, so I usually go by "oh, this looks right" and that's how I passed my exams xD okay, back to the main topic.
I stood up. When I did it, (x/o)
I stood up. And when I did, (o)
-Fyi it's the sixth paragraph. Okay ouo hehe.
Okay I'm done, and no, that isn't everything. I also saw some, but I thought that you would've discovered it by now. And besides, I can't simply tell you everything, now can I? Good luck on Chromia. And I never got to know the MC's gender.
I'm guessing a guy though. Haha :p
| BabyChan12 chapter 1 . 5/24/2013
While reading the first part, it seemed really similar to another story I was reading before this, don't worry, just the orphanage part. Anyway one question: Didn't she get along with the kids at the catholic orphanage or other kids? 'Cause I think it would seem awkward for such kids to be so mean to her, being with the nuns and all. Also, she seems a little mature for a kid... She is a kid right? Like, being able to fake expressions and all... but then again being called monster might be the reason... Still, the nuns should have been kind to her... Haha, anyway it's a nice story :)
I saw some mistakes, I'll point them out to you, no offense intended:
1. "where everyone deceive everyone" - Everyone is not a plural noun, therefore "everyone DECEIVES"
2. "Afterword I was taken" - This should be 'afterwards'
3. "that I still don't known" - Tense is wrong, it should be 'don't KNOW'
4. "think it's "good" to tell others kids..." - I think it's better if used a pronoun before the 'think', that is 'THEY think'. And also typo here, it should be 'other'
5. "he trowed it at me" - 'tHrowed'
6. "didn't you just saw it?" - There can't be two past tense verbs, the latter must be present here. 'just SEE'
7. "all the people in the park was staring " - plural noun, plural verb '...park WERE'
8. "now we go to hospital" - the tense here sounds off, but I'm not too sure.
9. "or way would" - typo, 'wHy'
And that's it, I'll read the next chap when I have time :)
| DerexOffline chapter 6 . 5/6/2013
Too lazy to log in cuz my buddy is over so I gotta make it quick.
Great chappy, can't wait to see that bitch Yui get what's coming to her. :D
| Lolitroy chapter 5 . 5/4/2013
My only complain is that I don't know who's speaking when there's dialogue.
Amanda Todd! The first thing that came to my mind. Wow, she's having it rough. Ack. It's nice to see how she acts all rough but is insecure within :3
| Lolitroy chapter 4 . 5/4/2013
:3 Nice description.
In regard to the ctory, wasn't Ame bullied at the start? I mean, she begins acting brave all of a sudden. Hm, maybe you'll explain later :3
You tend to confuse tenses. Or is it also patr of the story? I don't know .
I've also noticed you describe her in the old-fashioned way, if you get me. With prose intead of with actions. Just noticin'.
I'm looking forward to see Ame get surrounded by friends.
| DereX chapter 5 . 5/4/2013
The whole boob shot thing reminds me of Amanda Todd but this girl had it done involuntarily and she's handling the bullying way better. I've decided I like her better as a her. Altho I STILL am confused as hell but I've decided to just go with it.
Keep up the good work. It's getting interesting. :)
| DereX chapter 4 . 5/4/2013
Um, I don't know what just happened but Ame seems to have transformed into a fighting girl. I'm confused but cool. :D
| Lolitroy chapter 3 . 4/23/2013
I got lost, because pretty much everything was dialogue. I sthat how the story is? No that it's bad, it's original, but gets a bit confusing sometimes.
So well, when I reread it, I understood perfectly, haha. I can't wait to see more of Ame. So far, it had been very interesting.
And about the two people reading, don't worry! Stories almost never start with three hundred views on the first chapter. It comes with time :3
| DereX chapter 3 . 4/21/2013
Well that was a dick move wasn't it? I'm curious of what exactly made his eye turn amber tho. Makes me really wonder. A simple accident can't do that.
Looks like this chapter of Ame's life is finally over. :O Poor kid. I'm curious to see what kind of person he grows into.
Alrighty I'm looking for this despair stuff! :D :D :D I love angst and tragedy.
Keep updating. I can't wait for more. :)
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 4/15/2013
I really liked your introduction. Took me straight to the theme. Awesome :D
As for the body... try to separate it a bit more, especially the big chunk in the middle. Sure, the whole chapter is captivating enough, but huge paragraphs tend to disencourage readers, so, well, y'know. As an adive of mine, chop it a bit smaller.
| DereX chapter 2 . 4/14/2013
This chapter is the real issue I think. It's 98% dialogue. 90% of the time I had zero clue what was going on. As huge manga fan I was able to use my imagination to think of what was going on but not everyone else has the ability or will to do that. In this format your plot, story, and pretty much everything becomes nearly eligible. That being said I myself probably made stupid mistakes in my reviews because I've been up for almost 24 hours now and have a killer headache and fever. So maybe the reason it makes so little sense is the fact that I'm tired to the point where I do a lot of singing, dancing, and hugging people. Which is weird because normally I'm pretty mellow.
Another thing is the POV switches. In manga this kind of thing is completely natural I suppose, but because there are no images here you have to really tell people when the switches occur. Also because you seem to have completely even describing people I have to guess at the gender by looking at the honorifics you give them. Which can be incorrect because a girly guy could be called chan or a trap kun.
A pointer for this kind of thing (I write loads of Naruto fanfiction so I'm used to having to explain different Japanese terms even though I don't speak a lick of it myself) is imagine you're reading this to an average American. They have no clue what manga is past its rep of 'cartoon p 0 rn'. These poor little Bambies will have no clue what even kun, chan, sama, san, sempai, kohai, nee-san, oni-sama, and so on even mean. Like 'Baka' they wouldn't understand. Make sure to imagine you're writing this to them so you can dumb it down a bit. Or at least add a glossary at the end of ever chapter. Even people who read manga or watch anime aren't going to know all the terms. They, like I said, could just be poor little Bambies.
Also another danger of using Japanese terms when you yourself are not Japanese nor do you speak the language, is offending actual Japanese people. I've seen way too many times people getting pounced on for using those terms even though they clearly aren't Japanese. Why they get chewed out? I have no clue. I'm not Japanese so I'm guessing maybe in their culture they view it as offensive. I don't know. I guess it's sort of like walking down to the ghetto even though you're white as hell and start talking and acting like you're black. You'll get your ass handed to you. Some Japanese people don't seem to care but some get really uptight and vicious about it.
The plot from what I managed to gather seems interesting so far. I'll stick with you but I really really can't stress how important it is that you drop pure dialogue immediately. Few people will stick around, if any. Really it's the only flaw I can see so far.
Anyways your story seems like a fun ride and I'd love to come along. Just please drop pure dialogue. You need to cater to the people here, and they write proper sentences, paragraphs, and descriptions. Also when people talk you should have it like this or something close:
I stared at the screen thoughtfully and then typed a few more words.
"That 'ought to do it," Satisfied, I posted the review, "I really hope they'll continue."
Finished with that I returned to my other tab. Time to get immersed in the world of DayZ and Frankie again. A beep alerted me to my sister's message on Skype, pausing my actions. Was she seriously still talking about hackers?! Sighing I once again explained to her the dynamics involved. This was going to be a long night. Some people can't just take 'hackers are bad' as an answer.
| DereX chapter 1 . 4/14/2013
Okay I just finished reading both chapters so I'll adress everything in chapter one in this review.
Firstly you have a really unique way of writing. It's not something which can turn some people away but it intrigued me.
One issue is you never really address how anything looks. Now this is in the manga section so that's understandable but you're leaving a lot to the reader's imagination. You should probably include more descriptions of things so people will be more willing to read it. If you intend to actually become a mangaka I'm guessing you're posting for input on how your plot is. To get that input your story needs to be able to catch an audience. Which I'm sure it can already but you're probably missing out on 70% of potential readers because of the way you operate.
I like the way your character seems to have a developed background, personality, and great potential. I'm willing to bet he's depressed though with social anxiety. Even though you may not have him that way he definitely shows most of the warning symptoms. Also it could be an interesting twist if he does. Most popular mangas never really touch on mental illnesses which is a real shame because they add so much more depth to a person. A normal person with depression and schizophrenia can experience the same terrors a warrior who has traveled to Hell. Honestly someone living in his conditions can't not develop depression of some sort. Making it out unscarred isn't realistic. But that's a whole avenue you need to research so unless you know what you're talking about I don't think you should do it.
What I don't get is why everyone calls him monster. But kids are cruel so hey.
Interesting so far though. :)